What is detached dating and why do I struggle to separate love and ownership?

“Dating should be a fun way of exploring the world and all the newness on offer – it doesn’t necessarily need an end goal to be exciting.”

When a recent date asked me what I would be looking for in a relationship, I explained to him the concept of ‘detached dating’. Like most other men I’ve spoken to, he responded with some variation of ‘In theory, it sounds good but I’m not sure I could actually handle it’.

Without an official definition, the idea of detached dating essentially implies leaving attachment behind and non-exclusively dating multiple people at a time. As a goal-driven, chronic list-making person, having a non-outcome-driven goal is both wild and refreshing. I understand it sounds a tad idealistic – figuring out the ‘how’ is a personal effort.

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When I hear the term non-monogamy (usually prefaced with ‘ethical’), I think of open relationships, polyamory, solo poly and the many versions of each label.

What is detached dating?

Detached dating is less of a status or label and more of a mindset and lifestyle choice. While I don’t always know the relationship destination I’m looking for, the detached dating mindset helps me to navigate my feelings.

Dating as an act is as much (if not more) about self-exploration as it is about falling in love. I’m trying to figure out what I want, but my obsessive nature can make me compulsive and certain people irresistible. For a while now, the concept of ethical non-monogamy (ENM) and open relationships has tickled my fancy. But like many of us, I find myself a bit too attached to the familiarity of monogamy.

When I fall for someone new and fabulous, I’m in deep and it tends to move quickly. That person becomes all I can think about. I can’t get anything else done. I spend my time planning the next message, the next date and the holiday we’ll take three months from now (very ambitious of me).

Rationally, I know that monogamy probably isn’t for me, but I can only concentrate on one person in the heat of the crush. Thankfully, crushes don’t last. When a crush is brand-new, it can easily be all-consuming – but after three to six months, a sense of reality tends to set in. It’s when you realise you need more in life than just this one magical person.

Letting desire lead

In saying this, ENM doesn’t lack complications. In the context of our actual lives and relationships, not everyone has the same experience. My definition of ENM may not be the same as yours. At some point, most of us have come face to face with the issues of clinginess, codependency and ownership – all of which desperately fight for us to attach.

While detached dating is probably the easiest way to erase these issues, the goal isn’t to create something void of meaning. Exploring this concept over the last month, I’ve noticed it’s not as sterile as it sounds.

The slow burn approach to dating lets you focus more on yourself and really desire-hunt your way through. It aids in keeping obsession at bay, without having to go entirely sans-crush.

I recently got attached to someone I thought I could fall in love with. When it all fell apart, I couldn’t move on from the idea I had created in my head. I later realised I was wearing rose-coloured glasses through the whole fling… I was really just in love with their potential.

So how do I start detached dating?

To answer this question, it was a journey in trial and error mode. Instead of obsessively scrolling through their Insta feed pre-date, I started avoiding those excited ‘potential’ thoughts. As it turns out, the potential isn’t my friend. For the last month, I’ve gone on dates expecting nothing.

These dates left me feeling detached. Not in a bad way – in a calm way. The calmer and more detached I was, the most interested my date generally was in me. More importantly, I could see people clearly.

It seems that relaxing into detachment helps with desire mapping. Dating should be a fun way of exploring the world and all the newness on offer – it doesn’t necessarily need an end goal to be exciting.

Shifting your dating mindset

This difficult-but-delicious dating exploration has shifted my mindset completely. Feeling things in real-time and communicating effectively do wonders for a fantasising mind. While I’m still trying to suss my dating style, I can feel myself moving closer toward self-assurance and away from impulsive lusting.

From my research (quizzing all of my friends and every stranger I’ve met at a bar recently), I think detachment can get you closer to dating the right kind of person. It’s likely why everyone is always saying ‘When you stop looking, the perfect person will come along and sweep you off your feet!’. When you’re not so attached to finding ‘your person’, you’ll be enjoying your life so much that the right person will be drawn to you.

Learn more about detachment here.