How to get an emotionally avoidant partner to start yapping, according to a psychologist

Deep and meaningful.

Throughout my nearly a decade of dating, I’ve been drawn to emotionally avoidant people like a Fitzroy fashion girlie to a pair of Tabis. Maybe I think I can fix them, maybe I’m addicted to the chase. Whatever it is, I can’t seem to escape the curse of the avoidant partner.

I’m not – and never have been – the kind of person who struggles to express emotions. If anything, I’ve struggled to control them. My boyfriend is the opposite. He naturally approaches emotion by simply not approaching them at all. Our relationship is the result of a commitment to learning how to communicate despite our differences.

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It hasn’t always been easy. In the past, heavy discussions could feel, from my point-of-view, like getting a brick wall to open up. From his perspective, it could feel like playing tug-of-war with a relentless dog. 

And according to a recent Instagram survey, a lot of you can relate. Over half of Fashion Journal readers we asked struggle, at least sometimes, to have deep conversations with their partners. 

So, what exactly is emotional avoidance, anyway? For the unfamiliar, Sydney-based clinical psychologist Dr Maria-Elena Lukeides explains that emotional avoidance is essentially a coping mechanism in which someone tries to sidestep or escape uncomfortable feelings. Nobody enjoys painful or uncomfortable emotions, but emotionally avoidant people can find these feelings too overwhelming to deal with – to the point of shutting down.

“There is an automatic switch that just goes ‘nope’ whenever emotions start to bubble up,” Dr Lukeides says.“Deep conversations often require vulnerability and exploring complex feelings, which is precisely what emotionally avoidant people are trying to avoid.” 

If you’ve ever noticed your partner changing the subject, giving surface-level responses or straight up removing themselves during deep conversations, emotional avoidance is probably why. “It’s as if they’re being asked to willingly walk into the very territory they’ve been carefully avoiding. This can lead to them feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or even shutting down completely during these interactions.”

Now, attachment theory isn’t exactly a new idea. You may have brought it up to your partner a few dates in, you may have had your attachment style listed on your dating profile when you met, you may even have thrown out an accusation of avoidance in a fight. But identifying an emotionally avoidant partner and learning to handle their avoidance are two completely separate skillsets.    

The first thing you should know is that when your partner dodges a deep and meaningful, it probably has nothing to do with you. “It’s not that they don’t want to connect; it’s more that they’ve developed this habit of protection that’s now standing in the way of meaningful engagement,” Dr Lukeides tells me. Fear of emotional intimacy isn’t inherent, it’s often learned from deep-rooted experiences like childhood, past relationships, or trauma.

Dr Lukeides suggests thinking of it like a suit of armour that’s been built over time. Each bad experience adds another piece, protecting your partner from any future pain. While you may see emotional avoidance as a rejection of your attempts at intimacy, they see it as a survival strategy.

To be clear, understanding this doesn’t mean you have to accept your partner’s behaviour lying down, but it can help shift your perspective from taking your partner’s avoidance personally to seeing vulnerability as a challenge you can work on together. It can also help you avoid growing resentful of your partner.

“The key to navigating emotional avoidance (whether it’s your partner’s or your own) is creating a safe and supportive environment for emotional expression. If you’re trying to meet your partner where they’re at, start by practising patience and empathy,” Dr Lukeides tells me. One thing to avoid, she cautions, is pushing. Instead, demonstrate that it’s okay to share feelings without fear, judgment or pressure. 

On the flip side, if you’re the one working on opening up more, Dr Lukeides says it’s okay to start small, to share a little bit about your emotions in low-stakes situations and notice how it feels. “For both sides, building an emotional connection is about baby steps, consistency and showing that vulnerability is met with care, not criticism.”

We can’t change who we are or the events that have shaped us, but we can change the way we approach deep conversations – asking questions a bit more gently, stepping outside our comfort zones and making more conscious efforts to connect. A healthy relationship requires a give and take, and as long as you and your partner are willing to try, you’ll get there.

For more on emotionally avoidant attachment styles, try this.