Is the ‘the proposal’ dead? Why Australian couples are planning to get engaged together

From those who have.

Throughout history, the marriage proposals that we’ve seen on screen, stage and in real life have always followed a similar (and very heteronormative) recipe.

After dating for a certain period of time, one person (if it’s a heterosexual relationship, it’s almost always the man) goes to a jewellery store and picks out a ring, then plans out and pulls off an elaborate and romantic proposal, which comes completely out of the blue to their delighted partner.

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But as society and relationships evolve and change, is this traditional process still practical, or even desirable? Historically, women had very little agency or control over their relationships and life decisions, including major elements such as marriage and having children.

Today, we have (thankfully) come a long way, so when it comes to the milestone of getting engaged, it seems almost odd for the timing to be determined by the person doing the proposing, with the one on the receiving end only having the option to say yes or no.

I’m scarily at an age where just about every week I am hearing about friends, relatives or acquaintances getting engaged, and refreshingly, a new pattern seems to be emerging. Rather than the proposal coming out of the blue, couples are making a plan to get engaged together.

Carissa, who spent five years working in the jewellery industry, says that in her experience most couples seem to have conversations, agree to get engaged and often choose out a ring prior to an official ‘proposal moment’.

“There’s definitely a very small portion of couples where the conversation wouldn’t have happened, but I’d say in most circumstances the engagement isn’t a surprise,” she tells me.

“We also had a lot of women coming in and getting their ‘wish list’ before their partner would come in… I’d say about 80 per cent of my clients knew what their partner wanted regardless of whether she was at the appointment or not.

“[When I got engaged] we had discussed very openly that while we would want to get engaged and married, it wasn’t something we wanted a huge fuss about. I picked out my ring (through work), we paid for it with our joint account, the ring was made, and then I didn’t see it until he proposed while we went away for a weekend. It was very, very relaxed and I wouldn’t change it for the world.”

For 25-year-old Kate, deciding to get married and choosing a ring together represented an important facet of their relationship; working side-by-side when making significant decisions. The couple sought out a ring, which her partner then kept hidden away until he was ready to make the engagement official.

“I felt it was important for us to discuss it before the proposal so we each knew what was expected of the other. I guess we just wanted to take away the main stressors for the proposal like ‘Will she even say yes?’ and ‘Will she like the ring?’… obviously, after we’d decided and bought the ring, he could feel very confident in his proposal,” she tells me.

“In my opinion, it really doesn’t (take away the romance). The day, time and location of his proposal were still a surprise, and still very romantic! I feel as though engagements are a very personal thing and what (we) did may not suit everyone, but it certainly allowed us to be more comfortable and relaxed on the day.”

Anna Whiting, the General Manager of the Melbourne-based jewellery label Cushla Whiting, tells me that they have “definitely noticed a shift to couples wanting to both be involved in the bespoke process of designing their engagement ring”.

“I would say that more than 50 to 60 per cent of Cushla Whiting couples design their rings together now, with the proposal often coming at a later date once the ring is completed. This could be because most of our clients come to us because we offer personalised jewellery, unique to the individual, but it is definitely a clear trend,” she says.

In addition to making sense ideologically, for some couples, making the decision to get engaged is simply a matter of practicality based on timing, finances or other life factors. This was the case for Lily and her partner, who have recently started planning their wedding despite not yet being ‘officially’ engaged.

The couple had previously decided they would start trying to conceive a baby when Lily turns 32, which will be next year. She also wanted to be married prior to having children, and as she is currently 30, she brought up the topic with her partner due to the relatively short time frame.

“We had a big discussion and figured out we would need to start planning a wedding ASAP to lock in a venue if we want to get married by the end of next year. So from there on we have been looking at venues and planning a wedding without being engaged yet… I think there will still be a proposal moment. I’m not sure when but I guess when he is able to buy the ring,” she explains.

“It’s practical and it makes sense for us at this stage in our lives, so it doesn’t really matter for us. And I’m still super excited about it! At the end of the day, the most important thing to me is that we love each other and are happy in our life together. A perfect proposal and wedding doesn’t define our relationship.”

Engagements, like most things in life, are certainly not a one-size-fits-all situation. An out of the blue, extravagant proposal might be perfect for some people, and if this is your dream then by all means, you do you (although if you’re waiting for your partner to propose and you’ve never talked about it, chances are you might be waiting a while).

For many others, however, getting engaged is a huge step, and it makes a lot more sense to discuss and plan it out together on equal terms before embarking on this exciting new chapter. Personally, in a way, I think that’s even more romantic.

Considering whether you and your partner are marriage ready? Head here.