What does a dry spell really mean in your relationship? I asked a sex coach

“There’s no ‘right’ way to have a sex life.”

When it comes to long-term relationships, many of us subscribe to the notion that there’s a ‘healthy’ amount of sex you should be having at each of its developmental stages. At the beginning, there are those exhilarating first few months where just can’t pry your hands off each other.

Then the honeymoon bubble bursts, life gets busier, and as a result, maybe sex gets put on the back burner. Rolling over and falling asleep as soon as your head hit the pillow starts to sound just as romantic as doing the dirty. It’s the dreaded dry spell we’re all worried about, isn’t it?

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Thankfully, after picking the brains of certified sex coach and Normal’s in-house sexpert, Georgia Grace, I learnt there’s no ‘right’ way to have a sex life. In our chat, Georgia unpacked everything there is to know about dry spells and the practices to help you get through them.

Hi Georgia! Ok, let’s start with the basics. What is a relationship dry spell?

A relationship dry spell, as the name would suggest, is anytime you are not having as much sex as you would like, or as much as you feel allows for a fulfilling relationship. Clients will always bring up the amount of sex they’re having… we’ve developed this mythical number.

And for some people, it might be useful to have a number to refer back to… but in most cases, living up to that number is really stressful. A dry spell can look different for different people. If we take a step back even further, it’s perhaps the sense or feeling that your relationship is lacking a sensual or sexual connection.

​​Right. So a dry spell doesn’t necessarily mean no sex?

Totally, yeah. Some people will say, ‘we’re having a dry spell, we’re only having sex twice a week.’ And then for other people, they’ll say ‘we’re having a dry spell, we’re only having sex once a year’ or ‘we haven’t had sex in 15 years.’

The thing I find more interesting is the way a person feels when they’re in a dry spell. Often they’ll say ‘I see [my partner] as my best friend,’ ‘I feel really disconnected from them at the moment,’ or ‘I’m so stressed out and sex is the last thing on my mind’.

What brings on these dry spells?

There are a few common things. Stress is one of the biggest mood killers when it comes to desire: a busy life, a global pandemic and financial, social or cultural issues. Other factors can be arguments, body confidence, mental health issue and general health concerns.

The list is endless, these are some common themes I see with my clients. When looking at the potential reasons behind a dry spell, we want to look at all of those factors.

Could dry spells point to problems within a relationship?

It can be the result of an issue in the relationship but that’s not always the case. A lot of people will ask, ‘does a dry spell mean we have a bad relationship?’ [The answer is] no, not necessarily.

People sometimes say ‘I love them and it’s the happiest I’ve ever been… but we’re going through this dry spell.’ You can’t turn to sex solely to ascertain whether you’ve got a healthy and loving relationship or not. You define that.

It’s so common to seek professional support – do that if you need it. But before you do, maybe just reflect on it. What’s changed? What’s stayed the same? Why are you not wanting to have sex? What are you not receiving enough of? What can you do [to change this] together?

When we’re [talking about] desire, the person with lower desire will often think they’re ‘broken’ or ‘not enough’. But it’s not necessarily an individual issue; it’s something you have to work on together. See it as a relational area of concern where both or all people will have different responsibilities.

It sounds like they’re more common than people think. Is that true?

Yeah, totally. People often don’t share when they’re having a dry spell because they feel embarrassed or think there’s something wrong with them. They don’t want to admit they’re not having the greatest, most mind-blowing sex of their lives.

I think it’s rare to have a consistent and ongoing sex life from the beginning to the end of a relationship. So yes, it’s very common to – throughout the many ups and downs of a relationship – have dry spells.

What can couples do together to work through a relationship dry spell? Are there any strategies they can implement?

The first thing would be to talk about it in a way that’s kind, empathetic and free from judgment. It can be awkward and challenging, [we need to remember] people might feel embarrassed or not have the language [to describe how they’re feeling].

Get a sense of how your partner feels. Are they happy? Some people don’t want to work on their sex life. You’ll need to reflect on that and ask yourself, ‘Am I happy in our relationship?’. On the other hand, some people will identify [the issue] and say ‘This is really important to me, what can we do?’. Start with that conversation, get a sense of what they’ve been noticing and [then understand] what a fulfilling sex life looks like for you.

Regardless of the number of times you’re having sex in a week, it’s about really getting a sense of how you both or all define a fulfilling sex life. I think it’s always really important to start with smaller steps of sexual intimacy, rather than jumping straight back into it. That can feel overwhelming.

When I work with clients [I’ll say something like] ‘This week, just start by having a 30-second long kiss before you leave for work, or jumping in the shower with them in the morning and washing each other’s bodies for two minutes, or telling them they look fucking sexy’. These small moments can start to bring it more front of mind.

Some people will also find value in scheduling. Dry spells often come as a result of not prioritising sex or intimacy… so schedule a time. Some people get turned on by saying, ‘Tuesday at five is when we have sex’. Other people will just schedule it in as something sensual to do together, or something sexual they can explore.

For more on working through a dry spell, head here.