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Here’s what happened when I lived according to my horoscope for a week

Words by Hannah Cole

Illustration by Twylamae

“Could this be the key to living my best life?”

Have you been sucked into the wormhole of the zodiac yet? Recently, I fell hard and fast and clambered onto the wagon for one hell of a ride. For much of my life, I’ve been a sceptic and avoided the seeming ludicrosity of daily horoscopes. However, through research, I learnt that my temper, detective skills and desire for deeper relationships could be attributed to that little sign in the stars. I am the walking, talking definition of a Scorpio. Sue me.

All this searching also uncovered a glut of articles with claims of how to live by your sign. You should wear a certain colour, eat a specific food, or travel to a particular destination for your next holiday, all based on the Zodiac. I have frequently pondered, “Could this be the key to living my best life?” Recently I spent a week trying to indulge the Scorpio in me to find my best version.

Diet

PETA gave me some top tips on foods to satisfy the star sign. Apparently, fiery Scorpios should stock up on bananas, green salads, cauliflower, beans, lentils and almonds. We should avoid anything too oily, yeasty, salty or sweet. Last year I played a trick on my body and made it like salads, so daily lunches were an easy picture of health and goodness. For dinner, a Cauliflower Black Bean Bowl would do (care of Goop). Making cauliflower rice almost drove me mad, but the result was near-enough worth it.

It was also essential to appease my Scorpio traits with the perfect wine match. I used this excuse to drink a glass (or two) of Shiraz every evening. I have now shed my previous wine snobbery – typically selecting only the most *exotic* of them all (read: the most unpronounceable). Will you forgive me, humble Shiraz? I have learnt from the error of my ways.

Health

Because Scorpios can get so pent up about life, it was suggested that I try yoga. I prefer to sweat it out in the morning, so I integrated a few simples poses into my evening routine. Ashamedly, The Bachelor streamed in the background – how very un-zen. But it’s a habit to keep: nightly yoga soothes the mind and stretches sore limbs, ready to bounce back the next day.

Girlboss lists my ultimate self-care practice as “Making a cathartic playlist.” The lingering teenage angst in me tempted a depressing amount of Evanescence and Nickelback but, with age, I have also found dignity. I love emotional music; I love blasting it and singing terribly to the walls in front of me. My “Scorpio Emo” playlist is replete with Jose Gonzalez, Bon Iver and Sufjan Stevens – ready to play with each emotional twinge.

Dress

Apparently, Scorpios should wear black, and I disagree wholeheartedly. Take an overly-emotional being and make them wear the darkest of shades, and you’re asking for trouble. I would know; I’ve accidentally been doing it all winter.

But a test is a test, so I tried to stick to black – promising to increase my “mysterious essence.” It was the first week of spring; it sucked. I wanted to wear COLOUR or at least white. So, I punctuated looks with red boots, gold bling, and a lazy lipstick attempt (to highlight my ‘luscious lips’). Don’t try this one at home, kids.

Entertainment

Scorpios are dark souls, explaining my unnerving love of gripping books (a la Sharp Objects) and horror tales. You Must Remember This is the podcast I had been seeking but was slow to find. I went deep, starting with the Charles Manson 12-part series. I binged, winced, felt gruesome emotion – and left fully satisfied, both with my general historical knowledge and crime quota.

In the end, I wonder how much difference this all actually made? The zodiac provides the insight to your soul; to make you realise “It’s not just me who is like this.” But do I need to live my life according to the finger-in-the-wind writers at these online publications? Probably not. I mean, Capricorns are the ideal indulgers of espresso martinis, and there is no way I’m giving those bad boys up. Scorpio traits may reside deep within me, but I am so much more than the secretive, jealous, ambitious and passionate person I am described to be.

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