How IBS has impacted my dating life

“Telling your partner you have gut issues isn’t fun or sexy. But to move forward with the relationship and for your mental health, it’s essential.”

Going on a first date should fill your tummy with those feel-good, fluttery, nervous butterflies – not the crampy, gassy, bloated kind. If you suffer from irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), you’ll know just how daunting it can be to navigate your symptoms when first getting to know someone. If you’re anything like me, you’ll hide your symptoms for weeks, barely eat anything on dates and panic at the thought of staying the night.

IBS symptoms are unsettling at the best of times. Throw someone you’ve just met into the mix and you’ve got yourself a full-on anxiety-provoking shitstorm (pardon the pun). Dating when you have stomach issues is stressful, which just so happens to make symptoms worse.

Interested to hear how others navigate the world? Head to our Life section. 

Sharing what you’re going through is a delicate balance between being open and honest while potentially leaning into TMI territory. With this comes the humiliating and scary possibility you may even turn someone off.

The right person will be kind, caring and understanding of your gastrointestinal problems. Unfortunately, not everyone is as open to receiving this information, so many people with IBS hide their symptoms for weeks or months before telling their new partner. I’ve been met with both sides of this situation.

There have been those who’ve been compassionate and even helpful. And then there are those who are under the impression girls do not poop and believe discussing these topics is “unladylike”. Yes, I’ve been told this by a previous partner – which, looking back now, should’ve been a red flag.

The uncertainty of how my body would feel leading up to a date was always nerve-wracking. The nights when I was feeling good were such a relief, but they were few and far between. For the most part, I spent them lying in bed, clutching my stomach, waiting for whoever was beside me to fall asleep.

I’d sometimes sigh with relief when they didn’t stay the night. Gas and bloating can be extremely painful, especially when you hold it in. If you’re not comfortable with a person yet, laying next to them in bed like this can feel like torture.

When I first started seeing my current boyfriend, I was very self-conscious about using the restroom. I lived in a loft situation that gave me no privacy, while his tiny one-bedroom studio was also not ideal. I’d ask him to make me a coffee, hoping the distance and sound of the kettle would allow me to use the bathroom in peace. If my tummy wasn’t feeling good, I’d ask to shower and turn the water on as another cover.

Through my years riding the waves of IBS and relationships, I’ve learnt finding someone mature and supportive of my issues will be best for me in the long run. Explaining my discomfort and struggles to my current partner and seeing how concerned he was made me seek help.

Soon after dating, I started seeing a gastroenterologist. A few weeks later, I booked in for a colonoscopy. He offered to have me sleep over the night before, but sitting on his toilet for hours, expelling everything in my stomach from the prep, wasn’t something I was ready for yet.

Telling your partner you have gut issues isn’t fun or sexy. But to move forward with the relationship and for your mental health, it’s essential. You don’t have to tell them immediately, but there are ways to bring it up in conversation by saying things like, “This doesn’t agree with me”, “I can’t eat these particular foods” or “I have a sensitive stomach.” We are led to believe, particularly for women, these topics are forbidden. But let’s face it, flatulence is normal and going to the toilet is needed. For some, it’s just more complicated.

My current fitness trainer boyfriend got quite excited about trying to help me and my symptoms by cooking bone broths, feeding me sauerkraut and preparing Fodmap-friendly meals. He’s now on top of what I can and can’t eat and understands what I need when I’m not feeling my best. Sometimes I’ll be offered a glass of bubbles, and he’ll turn it down for me or he knows to order flat water for me at a restaurant. It’s nice to have a sidekick on my IBS journey.

Some tips and tricks I’ve learnt to help manage my IBS while dating include avoiding tight clothing. Wearing tight clothes can put more pressure and stress on your stomach and intestines. I always feel more relaxed wearing something comfortable that allows some room for bloating.

Carbonated drinks can be a trigger as you’re literally consuming gas bubbles. Avoiding bubbly drinks, like soda and Prosecco, will reduce your chances of bloating and gas. Activated charcoal is a handy item to carry in your bag for extra backup to help alleviate these symptoms.

Choosing a familiar restaurant is comforting, as you’ll know what’s on the menu. If this isn’t in your control, suggest specific cuisines you prefer to avoid triggering foods. Sticking to the simplest meal options and keeping a food diary will also help you navigate any menu surprises. If you’re nervous about eating on the first few dates, suggest an activity instead, like hiking or visiting the museum.

The more anxious you are, the more upset your stomach will be. Calming your nerves before a date with deep belly breaths can help reduce stress. I find a soothing cup of peppermint tea settles my stomach. Taking a digestive enzyme or probiotics may also help alleviate IBS symptoms.

Spooning someone can also be pretty uncomfortable when you’re bloated. I like to be the big spoon in these situations so I don’t have to worry about my swollen stomach. I also play some white noise through speakers when I sleep. It’s relaxing and can drown out sounds like a gurgling stomach, accidental gas or using the toilet at night.

If you’re not feeling well before a date, see if you can reschedule. You’ll be more present and confident when you’re not worrying about your tummy troubles. Allowing your IBS to control your life is not ideal, but sometimes riding out a flare-up alone in your surroundings is a more comfortable option.

Dating made me realise how much IBS controlled my life and how desperately I needed to get on top of my gut issues. The constant stress and uncomfortableness forced me to make a change. While IBS may not be life-threatening, it greatly affects sufferers’ quality of life and mental health, who often feel alone in their symptoms. Breaking the cycle requires letting others in on what’s happening – including your new romantic partners – so you can get the support you need.

For more on living with IBS, try this.