How often do you initiate sex? 10 Fashion Journal readers weigh in

“He finds it hot when I get things going.”

Most romantic comedies would have us believe that in relationships, men are constantly desperate for sex and women are constantly fending off their attempts to initiate it. It’s an outdated narrative – and one deeply rooted in heteronormative ideas about sex and relationships. It completely ignores the shocking fact that women can, in fact, be horny.

It should be pretty clear by now that relationships come in many forms and open communication about desire is key. More often than not, a healthy and fulfilling sex life comes (mind the pun) when both people feel free to express their wants and needs.

Interested to hear how others navigate the world? Head to our Life section.

So, we’re curious. How often are you the one to initiate sex and how exactly do you do it? Are you one to schedule it, or does it depend on some foreplay to gauge each other’s mood? Or maybe all you need is that look to know.

21, she/her

I initiate sex about 70 per cent of the time. I’m the hornier one. I’m willing to take the risk but my boyfriend likes to be safe and doesn’t want anyone to hear or get caught which I completely respect. I don’t really want his family to hear me orgasm, but if we’re in the house and people are home there’s a high chance we’re not going to have sex.

When we do, I tend to kiss him and keep kissing him more intently and slowly pushing my body against him until he gets the hint. I try to pull him towards me and eventually, we get down to business. I don’t mind initiating it, I love it when he does but there’s no preference.

38, she/her

My partner typically initiates sex around once a fortnight by saying something cute or silly like “I’m ready for your services”. I think it’s important to be forward and fun. It doesn’t need to be romantic and you don’t need to “get in the mood” – just rip the bandaid off and get straight into it.

23, she/her

It’s an even split. I initiate it about twice a week and he is the same. It’s usually totally scenario-dependent. Our relationship is fresh, so it feels easier to flirt and initiate intimacy, especially as we spend a lot of time going on intentional dates where we typically plan whose house we’ll be staying at. This typically determines whether we can be intimate or not (I have a small house with two roommates and my bedroom has no door, whereas he has a big apartment on his own).

In the actual moment, I usually initiate intimacy by talking about how I feel physically or emotionally and saying things like, “You looked so cute today, I can’t keep my hands off of you” or “I’ve been thinking about doing XYZ to you all day”. My boyfriend is also fairly soft-spoken on his own, but if I say exactly what I want to do, he is always keen to join in and respond in kind.

40, she/her

We both do. We have sex typically three times a week and I initiate it at least half of the time.

21, she/they

My partner definitely initiates sex more! But that’s because I’m more ready to go when I’m out on the town or dressed up and he’s usually fast asleep by then. We usually have sex five days a week. It’s more exciting on the weekends but I often have to ask if he wants to have sex before I do my skincare (so unsexy), but having sex while I have $300 worth of moisturiser and eye cream on is not gonna happen.

26, she/her

My partner (she/her) almost always initiates sex because she knows I can get a bit shy, but once we start, we’re both satisfied. When I do it, I do it by complimenting her, small kisses behind the ear, and rubbing her waist.

27, she/ her

Both of us initiate sex – it has to be mutual. But don’t have sex very often, like three times a year. We joke that if we ever got pregnant it would be immaculate conception. When we do, it takes a couple of days of being best friends and caring for each other. It’s not even overtly sexual or sex-related.

Younger me who was in relationships where my only currency or value was sex and sex that was BDSM or kink related would look at this type of sex as boring. But it just happens so organically and with absolutely no pressure that it’s so much better. I’m so lucky I have found someone who values our friendship more than sex.

35, she/her

Honestly, it’s always been me who initiates sex – my partner had a super low sex drive. However, I think he just generally is an awkward person who doesn’t know how to be ‘sexy’. Normally I’d try to initiate it two times a week and we’d have sex maybe once a month. I’d probably start by massaging him or rubbing him through his pants and hope he’d pick up what I was putting down. On other days, I’d cheekily whisper in his ear if he’d like to “ have some fun?”.

Honestly, it’s hard work being the one to always do it. It made me question myself and my worth or that I’m not attractive. Finding someone who matches your libido can be a real struggle sometimes. Coincidentally, I’m no longer in this relationship. We broke up recently – not entirely because of our differences in fulfilling each other’s sexual needs but man, it makes such a difference.

33, she/her

I usually initiate sex and I do it pretty often, often by touching him sensually or making out. I’m definitely more sexual than my partner and initially, it bothered me that I was the only one initiating it. But through open communication and understanding me better, my partner has begun to reciprocate and initiate it on his own more often.

Now, a year into the relationship, I’m much more secure about being the more sexual one and it doesn’t bother me as much if I’m the one wanting it more. He finds it hot when I get things going.

25, she/her

We both do! It’s usually once a week, we usually just ask if the other is in the mood without any expectations or pressure. If not, then we’ll usually try and go to bed earlier, kiss and see what happens. Spontaneity works too!

For more tips on initiating sex, try this.