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My partner and I only have sex after drinking, should I be concerned?

words by Laura Miano

Sex therapist Laura Miano explores the link between alcohol and sex, and when it might be a cause for concern.

Laura Miano is a sex therapist, director of evidence-based therapy practice Miano Clinical Sexology, and co-founder of sexual wellness brand Posmo. Her mission is to empower individuals to embrace their unique sense of sexuality and achieve a more fulfilling sex life.

Good sex can come in many shapes, forms and contexts, and a healthy sex life often thrives on a variety. However, when one factor, alcohol, is consistently relied upon to get you and your partner having good sex, it may be a cause for concern. The good news? You’re not alone – I’ve seen this come up many times in my practice as a common scenario. Let’s dive deeper. 

Alcohol and sex, what’s the appeal? 

While I’m not here to promote tipsy or drunk sex, there are valid reasons why people might turn to alcohol to have better sex. It’s been found to lower inhibitions and slow down the brain’s ability to weigh up consequences. This means you could take more risks and tap into a more sexually adventurous side of yourself.

It also means that if you have shame about expressing parts of your sexuality, during tipsy or drunk sex you may become more willing to express these sides, as you don’t register ‘shame’ as a consequence. This means your kinky and freaky side might be coming through when it otherwise wouldn’t. Research has also found that people reported feeling sexier when drinking and tend to have more intense sex. 

While I’m talking here about the fun side, it’s also important to mention that there are plenty of disadvantages too, ranging from unfavourable to dangerous. These include issues with erections, arousal and orgasm, and an increase in non-consensual sex.

With that being said, if you’re relying on alcohol to have sex, it tells me you’re probably experiencing the more favourable outcomes that I mentioned earlier. When experienced safely and within limits, tipsy sex can be a fun option with your long-term partner. But the key word here is ‘option’, not the fix. 

Signs it’s becoming an issue 

Now that you understand how alcohol can influence and enhance sex, it’s easy to see why people turn to it to get in the mood. Tipsy sex can be a fun and exciting option alongside sober intimacy, adding variety to your sex life. However, if you find yourself relying on alcohol to feel connected or comfortable during sex, struggling to enjoy sober intimacy, or feeling distressed about the situation, it might be time to dig deeper and explore what’s really going on.

What relying on alcohol might mean in your relationship

If you have resonated with most of what I’ve mentioned so far, you might be wondering how you got here in the first place. The reasons why people rely on alcohol for sex will vary from relationship to relationship. It could signal a discomfort with vulnerability and intimacy, which alcohol can be a band-aid fix for.

It may be that your sober sexual experiences lack communication, pleasure and passion, or you may be getting in your head about things like how your body looks or your ’performance’. It could also be linked to stress and a busy lifestyle, which can make it challenging to feel sexual desire when you are sober. While these are common factors, there really are so many other reasons that might be underlying you and your partner’s reliance on alcohol for sex. 

How to enjoy a sex life without relying on alcohol 

Regardless of the underlying reasons, I would usually recommend that couples begin by talking about the issue. This can be a great opportunity to get on the same page about it. You could discuss how you both feel about your sex life, how alcohol changes the sex you have, how you feel about your sober experiences, what you would ideally like you sex life to look like and what you both think are the reasons you’re relying on alcohol. 

In most cases, improving your sober experiences will be key to overcoming the issue. This could involve giving more direction about what you do and don’t like, extending the outercourse so you have more time to play with each other’s bodies, giving more attention to the mental foreplay by having more date nights and chats in bed, or by adding more flirty moments to your day-to-day interactions. 

On a solo level, it could involve putting yourself outside of your comfort zone a little. For example, if you rely on alcohol for initiation, you could try building up the courage to express your desires when sober. You could do this by simply saying: “I’d love to have sex with you”, or you could work in some non-verbal cues like giving your partner a cheeky smile after you kiss them.  

Recognising when it’s time to seek help 

It can sometimes be hard to break free from the cycle on your own. You may have tried some of the above approaches with no avail or perhaps your circumstance is a little more complicated and you need a more specialised approach. This is where sex therapy can be a great option, as it gives you a more individualised roadmap to overcome the reliance on alcohol.

When I see clients for concerns like this, I’ll always start with an intake session to get a good snapshot of what might be the unique underlying causes. Then based on what I identify, I’ll create an individualised treatment plan to help them get their sex life to the place they want it to be. Overcoming this is possible on your own, but sex therapy can be a great option if it all feels a little overwhelming.

In the end, nobody’s relationship or sex life is perfect. At one point or another, people will experience challenges that can put their relationship to the test. If you’ve been reading this and it all feels a bit too familiar, identifying that there is an issue is the first step to overcoming it. And while alcohol-fuelled sex might be a fun in the moment, with practice, sober sex can be just as enjoyable, if not more. And the pro is, you remember it! 

If you or someone you know is struggling with their mental health, or addiction, you can contact the following:

Lifeline 13 11 14
Alcoholics Anonymous 1300 222 222
Narcotics Anonymous 1300 652 820

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