Do relationship breaks actually work?

“It’s about reestablishing your freedom, your sense of being and who you are without the other person.”

I’ve been the person to initiate a break before. I was with a former partner and had a creeping suspicion I was about to be dumped. I was jealous of their relationship with their work best friend so I used the suggestion of a break to test the waters. I was properly broken up with some months later and they slept with that co-worker the day after. 

While I’d like to say my communication is a little more direct nowadays, I can’t help but still associate a ‘break’ with a breakup. Now, no shade to any of my friends’ future/current partners, but I’m usually the first to hit my girls with a “Just dump them!”, as soon as they start pulling out pros and cons lists. Writing this out, it’s clear I’m probably projecting my past insecurities (and/or am selfishly excited at the prospect of having more of their time). 

Interested to hear how others navigate the world? Head to our Life section.

Regardless, it’s never easy to know when it’s time to part ways with someone, whether temporarily or not. So, is taking a break a one-foot-out-the-door kinda sitch, or is it far more normal and less dramatic than we (or I) like to assume? I spoke to Toya Ricci, a Melbourne-based sex and relationship therapist, to find out.

What signals indicate it’s time to take a break?

Toya tells me there are many ways to assess your situation. The first is approaching it from an individual perspective and reflecting on how you feel in the relationship. She says if you’re “feeling exhausted or like it takes a lot of energy to maintain the relationship, or that it’s draining” that’s a surefire sign that a break could be worthwhile.

If you and your partner have healthy, open communication, you might want to sit down and discuss the issues that are coming up time and time again. “For the couple in the relationship, it can be if they notice they start having the same conversations or arguments over and over again and nothing is resolved and neither person is budging. There’s also that element of growth and development. You know, we all move and grow at different paces,” says Toya. 

Toya tells me another sign it might be time to take a break is if you’re a “really ambitious person, and your partner just isn’t progressing or achieving in the ways they should… It can be for [many] reasons. They could be depressed or they could be going through a low point or maybe they’re just completely different to you…”.

What’s the difference between a rough patch and an issue that calls for a break?

“There are [many] reasons why we might hit rough patches. It might just be life. It’s not necessarily because you’re not getting along… or things aren’t fine, but you might just have so many overwhelming, stressful situations in your life that you just don’t have anything left to give to the relationship,” Toya explains. 

It’s important to consider how much energy you have to work on the relationship, as that can help you discern whether it’s just a rough patch or something more serious. Toya notes that “It’s not the fact that you fight or have rough patches that are the issue, it’s when you can’t resolve them or you’re resolving them in ways that are problematic and perpetuate the hurt”. 

What are the potential long-term benefits of taking a relationship break?

“I think when it’s something that can be agreed upon equally and negotiated, it’s a good way to take space because sometimes what happens [when] we have our own stuff going on and we project it onto our partner… and issues get conflated with that, we think we’re fighting with the partner but really we’re fighting with ourselves,” Toya explains. 

“A relationship break can give you the opportunity to diffuse those feelings and separate out what’s you, what’s your work, what’s your journey [and] what things you need to take responsibility for. And then, with that, you know what you realistically need from your partner. And sometimes the things that we expect or think we need from them… are not about them.” 

Toya put this into context for me by sharing an example. “Let’s say I had issues with safety or trust… well, then anything my partner does I’m going to take it harder and think it’s perpetuating this old hurt that I’ve always had.

“But really, there are some things I need to put in place to protect myself so that I know when they show behaviour that is problematic versus when it’s just triggering my own issues. So if you have a break, you can sort through all those feelings and everything.” 

Sometimes, the relationship you come back to post-break will be quite different. “It’s a completely new chapter, and you get to rebuild things and start over… You could communicate all the things you stored up in the past [and] that you were never able to communicate.

“You might discover new things or things of value in your partner that weren’t necessarily what you would have considered the point of value previously… And then that new commitment to being in the relationship is kind of energising.” 

Why do some people think a ‘break’ is code for breakup?

“I think there’s this thing in Australian society where people are quite passive-aggressive,” Toya tells me. “They think they’re saying ‘Let’s take a break’ when they really don’t have the balls to say ‘Let’s breakup’. Like it almost gives them an easier space to do that. 

“But I don’t think that necessarily means you have to breakup but it’s just all about the ways you can communicate and negotiate it. I mean, if both partners are hurt, it will be difficult to negotiate a break that is nurturing and restorative, and that is the best thing for the relationship, you know?”

Toya also emphasises the importance of clearly setting out the terms of your break. “You have to be [open] to negotiate, like, ‘Okay, the break will be this long, [and] when we come back we’re going to talk about this [and] during the break we are working out this and this and this’.” 

How should we initiate the idea of taking a break?

Initiating a break is never going to be easy; everyone’s situations differ and many factors come into play when figuring out if a break is right for you and your partner. According to Toya, “The easiest thing to do is recognise themes that you’ve been arguing about over and over and over again, and recognising that okay if there’s no budging in this, can we take some space?’.”

When you’re ready to bring the idea of a break up with your partner, Toya says to make sure you’re both feeling relaxed and comfortable. “Don’t do it in the middle of an argument. Do it when you’re both feeling good… don’t blindside the other person with it.

“Just say, ‘Hey, maybe let’s think about if we are going to take a break, what that might look like’. Also, don’t be threatening [and] don’t be hurtful in the process. It can be an opportunity to grow and develop.”

To find out more about Toya’s services, head here.