The FJ team puts ‘let them’ theory into practice

Mel Robbins’ ‘let them’ theory asks: When should we care about the actions of others, and when is it just not worth it?

If you’ve been on TikTok at all over the past few weeks, you would’ve seen at least a few videos about ‘let them’ theory. So why is everyone is talking about it?

Before ‘let them’ became a viral self-help mantra, it was a book written by American author and podcast host Mel Robbins in 2024, titled The “Let Them Theory”: A Life-Changing Mindset Hack That 15 Million People Can’t Stop Talking About.

In it, Mel describes ‘let them’ as a mindset tool to alleviate unnecessary stress. The theory argues that we can’t control other people’s thoughts and actions, so by accepting this and relinquishing control, we’ll feel more free in our own lives. 

Interested to hear how others navigate the world? Head to our Life section.

Essentially, ‘let them’ is the anti-Karen. And as someone with a very assertive, eco-warrior mum (who is literally called Karen), I’m more familiar with the practice of not letting them. I would cringe every time my mum spoke out about little injustices (such as the neighbour’s recycling crimes) and as a result, I’ve probably become too passive in my own life, letting things wash over me to avoid confrontation.

Critiques of ‘let them’ theory

In an article for The Cut, writer Katie Heaney asks ‘Who is the let them theory actually for?’ She makes the important point that it’s adopted easily by people who “want to do what they were already going to do while pretending their actions don’t really matter, because change is impossible and we’ve already lost.” 

If that sounds depressing considering the state of the world right now, that’s basically her point. When should we care about the actions of others, and when is it just not worth it? We’ve been debating this question in the FJ office lately, which has led us to try putting the theory into practice. Below, the team weighs in on five scenarios that have actually happened this week.

Scenario one: The barista puts the wrong milk in your coffee order

Lara: Let them. I drink all the milks. 

Molly: Do not let them this will literally give someone diarrhoea.

Daisy: Apologise profusely but do not let them. A takeaway coffee is one of my favourite parts of my day!

Giulia: I would not let them! I’d firmly but politely stand up for myself, without making a big deal of it. 

Scenario two: Boyfriend wears a stained T-shirt to date night

Daisy: Let them but judge them for it. I’m not his mother!

Lara: Don’t let them, they can change.

Molly: Don’t let them cause I will likely have a stain remover pen in my handbag.

Giulia: Let them if they want, once they’ve been alerted to the stain. People can dress however makes them feel good, as long as it’s not hurting anyone! 

Scenario three: Mother-in-law takes a dig at your outfit

Giulia: Let them, it’s probably coming from a good place. If not, you can laugh about it later with a trusted friend.

Daisy: I think you have to let them. Assume the best and consider whether you really care what they think of your style. 

Molly: Let them, if your MIL is nice they probably didn’t mean it, if they’re not nice then biting back will make it worse.

Lara: Let them. They probably wish they could pull it off that’s all.

Scenario four: A friend hooks up with someone you said you liked

Molly: I’m from the Gossip Girl era of do not let them.

Lara: Let them. But if the tables are ever turned, remind them.

Daisy: Do not let them! That’s shitty.

Giulia: Let them. The alternative is to lose a friendship for the sake of a crush! 

Scenario five: Man yells profanities at you on your bike home from work

Daisy: I would just let them. It’s got nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. 

Molly: What on earth?? Do not let them, safely give them the finger. 

Giulia: Let them, don’t let losers get you down.

Lara: Depends what time of the month it is…

For more on let them theory, try this.