Hear me out: Australian men have a nonchalance problem

“If I’m dating someone, I want it to be romantic. I don’t want it to be like we’re mates. I already have mates.”

I moved to London after a long-term relationship ended, and my first tentative steps back into the dating pool revealed something unexpected. I realised how excruciatingly nonchalant Australian men can be, and how uncommon that is when you step beyond the continent.

In the 10 months I’ve been in London, I’ve been shamelessly flirted with, asked out in person and eye-fucked on the Tube more than in my entire adult life in Australia. And it’s been kind of nice.

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In this international metropolis, being interested in someone doesn’t elicit the same source of embarrassment that it does back home. Acting upon attraction is the norm.

A recent TikTok by Australian comedian Louis Hanson captures the distinction perfectly. An American man gushes about your beauty, with unwavering eye contact and an open smile. Meanwhile, an Australian man glares at you and then spits on the ground. It’s hyperbolic, but there’s truth to it.

@louis.hansonthe DIFFERENCE♬ A Thousand Miles – Vanessa Carlton

Content creator Alessandra’s videos on dating in Melbourne versus Italy have also gone viral. “Australia men need to learn a lesson or two,” she says to a chorus of agreement in the comments. “[Imagine] my culture shock when I moved to Melbourne and no man approached me and if he did he wasn’t Australian,” one user said.

@makeupbyalessandra_ Closing the gap between dating standards in Italy to Australia one post at a time #melbournedating #australianmen #melbournemen #datinginitaly #italianmen ♬ original sound – Makeupbyalessandra

So what is it about Australian dating culture? Is our obsession with being low-key holding us back from leading a life of delicious flirtation?

A friend of mine, Evie*, seems to think so. “I feel very strongly about being anti-nonchalant,” she says. “If I’m dating someone, I want it to be romantic. I don’t want it to be like we’re mates. I already have mates.”

On a trip to Ibiza last year, Evie and her friends boarded an Italian man’s boat. She sat across from Jacopo, a friend of the boat-owner. “He was looking at me, and I was looking at him. There was instant chemistry and then we were in love.” After a few whimsical days together, Evie returned to Paris, where she was living at the time.

Another friend, Amber*, was firmly put off the idea of dating men. “Before going away, I hadn’t really entertained the idea of dating men again,” she told me. “I hadn’t experienced many emotional connections with guys. I knew I liked to have sex with them but didn’t like dating them.”

On a hike in Marseille, she spotted two men sitting on a rock, smoking. “I walked over to say hi. We got talking about music and [Dani] invited me to this small festival he organises in Italy. I went by myself and the vibes were on, I basically never set up my tent.”

In contrast to the men she’d known in Australia, he was open, confident and happy to communicate what he wanted. “He’s a forward person, very Italian. He kept inviting me to places with his friends and I kept on saying yes, and we ended up travelling together for nearly two months.”

Obviously, everything feels romantic when you’re drinking wine and smoking Vogues by the mediterranean. Sexual tension in the dairy aisle at Woolies doesn’t quite hit the same as it does on an Italian man’s boat in Ibiza.

But expressing your earnest attraction for someone requires vulnerability. There’s a risk that the attraction won’t be reciprocated, a risk that you might feel dumb or rejected. For men in the Australian dating pool, this is rarely a risk they’re willing to take.

This anxiety intensifies in the chronically ‘cool’ circles of Melbourne and Sydney, where everyone is hyper-aware of their social standing, and no one is separated by more than a few degrees of separation.

As Evie highlights, Australian men feel a lot less likely to sit you down and tell you you’re beautiful or to confess that they can’t stop thinking about you. Instead, they hold back, wanting to appear cool and unbothered.

The balance is delicate. I’ve been made to feel uncomfortable or unsafe by men’s unwanted attention more times than I count. And there’s also an unfair gendered  expectation in believing only men should be the ones to initiate anything romantic. But there is a world where flirtation can be both respectful and delightful, regardless of gender.

If you keep making eye contact with a hot stranger across the room at a house party, walk on over and flirt a little. If they reciprocate, tell them that you think they’re hot. Try laying it on the table – who knows what could happen? Maybe you’ll also spend two hot and streamy months travelling the world with them.

*Names have been changed for privacy.

For more on the realities of dating Australian men, head here.