Do you message first on dating apps? Nine Fashion Journal readers weigh in

WORDS BY DAISY HENRY

“Do I fear rejection? Perhaps.”

Dating apps can be tricky terrain. At best, they can offer personal growth, funny stories and if you’re lucky, you might actually meet someone you end up dating. At their worst, they can be so discouraging that you swear off using them forever.

If you’re deep in the world of dating apps, you likely have some strict criteria. It could be a hard rule about fishing photos, no pineapple on pizza prompts or no “you up?” messages (all completely justifiable, in my opinion).

Interested to hear how others navigate the world? Head to our Life section.

Or you might have some strong ideas about who messages first. Do you wait around, manifesting a text to appear? Or do you respond to every person’s prompt with the first thing that comes to your mind? Below, nine Fashion Journal readers weigh in on whether they message first on dating apps.

Kirra*, 23, she/her

Hardly ever. Even worse, I never send likes and only ever match with people who have liked me first. It only happens when I’m drunkenly swiping at 2am after a night out and have some liquid courage. It’s not a conscious decision that I’ve chosen to make, but I think it’s because I want to spend time with people who are confident enough to shoot their shot first.

That being said, as a woman, it’s something I have a complicated relationship with. Why shouldn’t I message first? I’m sure my unaddressed and crippling fear of rejection has something to do with it too.

Mia*, 21, she/her

All the time! I don’t want to miss out on conversing with someone I find incredibly attractive by sitting on my hands and acting like I’m too good to message first. Message something interesting! I’ve had my arguably more attractive friends match with the same person as I [did], but their ‘hey’ was less likely to get a response than when I sent something more pointed, direct or stupid.

Lucas*, 31, he/him

I met my current partner on a dating app and I messaged her first, so yes. I didn’t always message first. Sometimes, if I was unsure of a person, I would let it play out and see if they would message. But if it was someone who I was genuinely interested in and was intrigued to know more about, I would reach out.

She had a one-way ticket booked to Mexico and wasn’t investing a lot of time on dating apps at the time, but I’m glad I did message first because now we’re happily in love! Say how you feel when you feel it!

Simone*, 26, she/her

No (okay, sometimes but rarely). I’m not super shy, but I’ve never been a pursuer. Like, I’d never go up to a man at a bar and start flirting, so I don’t message first on dating apps either. Do I fear rejection? Perhaps. When someone reaches out to me first, I know they’re at least kind of interested. I also like to see what kind of rizz they’re working with in that first message – is it just a ‘hey’? Is it something perverted and creepy?

The first message is very telling. The one exception to my rule is heckling. If I see something on someone’s profile that I want to make a silly little joke about, I probably will. But I’ve never had much luck on the apps, so don’t listen to me.

Billie*, 26, she/her

I’m in a relationship, but I did! I actually met my boyfriend by sending the first message to him on Hinge. I don’t really understand the dating game and its rules very well. My philosophy with dating was always to put my most authentic self forward and to be upfront about what I wanted. That person can take it or leave it — if they thought my opening joke was terrible, we probably weren’t meant for each other. And that’s okay!

I think bravery in dating is the most important thing. I saw this little doodle on Instagram that said looking for love is like repeatedly jumping down a hole – you either fall forever or hit the bottom and try again.

Liz*, 23, she/her

No. I mostly date cis-men and messaging first feels like I’m dragging myself through the trenches trying to get their attention. If I open with something funny they usually don’t get it, and if I open with something ‘normal’, it’s too ‘basic’ for them. I also feel like I’m auditioning as someone that I’m not when I message first. And there’s also an aspect of not wanting to be rejected. Men on dating apps need to step up their texting game.

Rachel*, 21, she/her

Sometimes! If I really think they’re cool I’ll definitely message first to get the conversation going. It also depends on how seriously I’m in a ‘dating-app phase’ and if I seriously want to go on a date.

Jordan*, 24, he/him

Absolutely. I believe, deep down, everyone enjoys a little validation – a little hype to brighten their day. In a world filled with romcoms and TikToks, we often see these picture-perfect moments and crave a story that’s ‘good for the plot’. But instead of sitting back and waiting for the perfect match or hoping they will come to me, I see it as an opportunity to stand out and create something meaningful. You never know where things might lead!

I’ve met amazing people just by throwing in a funny comment or adding that extra ‘y’ to a ‘Heyy.’ Those simple ‘moves’ have taken me on crazy adventures – from boat rides and swimming with dolphins to last-minute interstate trips and sleeping on the beach – all because I decided to message first and go after what I wanted instead of waiting for it to come to me.

Zahara*, 22, she/her

Yes! I personally think dating apps are pointless if we’re just matching and never talking to one another. I guess I’m trying to gain a little bit more confidence when it comes to dating, so what better way to do it than behind the comfort of your screen? I think I can take virtual rejection a little bit better than IRL, so dating apps are definitely a good practising ground. It always helps to start the conversation when they have an interesting or fun prompt to go off!

*Names have been changed.

For more on dating and messaging etiquette, try this.