How to talk to your partner if you’re not satisfied with your sex life

Good sex comes to those who communicate. 

When thinking about what makes a ‘good relationship’, your mind may begin to wander, picturing scenes of hot, mindblowing sex, where orgasms occur frequently and with little effort. But in reality, sex is just like any other part of a relationship – more often than not, it requires hard work and patience.

But bringing up sexual satisfaction can be tricky. Your partner is (hopefully) driven by a desire to please you and see you enjoy yourself, so it can be jarring for them to hear that what they’re doing isn’t working. 

For more sex-related stories, head to our Life section.

So, in order to gain some insight and find the best ways of broaching the topic, I turned to Aleks Trkulja, a certified sex therapist, clinical counsellor and founder of The Pleasure Centre. 

“I think we’re sold this idea that sex should always be super satisfying and that you don’t need to work at it, [and] that it should just be automatically good,” Aleks tells me. 

And it’s true – while sometimes sex can be amazing and things just automatically click, more often than not, really good sex comes from tuning into your partner’s wants and desires and learning how to express your own in return. While it might be a hard conversation to have, the overall benefits (a more fulfilling sex life) will probably outweigh any awkwardness you might feel in bringing it up.

Communication is key

According to Aleks, good communication is important, if not key, to sexual satisfaction. “It’s not just a conversation at the beginning… I think it has to be ongoing, [and] updating [each other] like this works for me, this doesn’t.”

You might talk about what’s working for you and what you enjoy about sex together, as well as what’s not working or if there are any sexual activities you want to stop engaging in. 

“It’s a really important conversation to have,” Aleks explains. “Especially as the relationship goes through changes, like if you’re long distance or if you’ve had babies or if you’re under some kind of stress and [your] mental health is a little rocky. It’s so important to regularly have that kind of check-in with your partner.”

Create a safe space and choose your timing

Though it’s important to check in with your partner before, during and after sex as to whether they’re enjoying themselves (otherwise known as asking for consent), Aleks explains it’s better to initiate a conversation about your sex life before you’re actually doing it. 

“The best way to do it is to create space for the conversation to happen before sexual interactions,” she says. “You don’t want to be in the throes of lovemaking and suddenly turn around and be like, ‘Oh, by the way, like this isn’t working for me’.”

Instead, it’s important to create a space where both you and your partner feel comfortable being vulnerable, and where you feel you can express yourselves. “You want to set it up so that it’s a conversation that you can have together.”

Comparison is the thief of joy

Whether it’s fashion, lifestyle or our sex lives, it’s easy to make comparisons. And though parts of our culture have become far more sex-positive than they once were, we can place pressure on ourselves to have a high libido, and to have sex frequently. 

“I definitely think people have been conditioned to believe they should be having these amazing sex lives where sex happens like five times a week or whatever,” Aleks says. “But to be honest, [sex] is a component of a relationship.

“As soon as we make unhelpful comparisons outside of the relationship, [it’s] gonna lead to dissatisfaction… if you’re happy having sex once a month [and] you’re genuinely content with that, then you do that. There’s no need to have more sex if you don’t want to.”

Teaming up against bad sex

Rather than seeing it as a ‘you versus me’ issue, Aleks also advises it’s better to tackle sexual dissatisfaction with an ‘us versus the problem’ mentality. “Essentially, you want to see it as [though] you and your partner are a team, and you’re looking at issues around sex as the problem,” she says. Rather than framing it as a problem with your partner, view it as something you can work together to overcome.

Sexy bingo

If you’re wanting to spice things up a little bit and introduce some new activities, Aleks tells me she often gets couples to create a sexual repertoire table. “Imagine a bingo sheet, but instead of numbers, it’s sexual behaviours, and it can be anything from like, kissing, showering together, anal fisting… whatever,” she says. 

Once the sheet is filled in, and you and your partner have circled what each of you would like to try, Aleks explains you can then compare and see what you have in common. You might find that you both want to try role play, or massage, which then helps to frame the type of sexual interaction you have together.

Be curious

Although you might be the one initiating a conversation about sexual dissatisfaction with your partner, there’s just as much of a chance that, over time, you could find yourself at the other end of the conversation. In the instance that someone is coming to you and saying they’re unhappy with components of your sex life, Aleks advises it’s important to be gentle and practise compassion.

“I think it’s really important not to take it as a criticism, which is what I notice a lot of people tend to do,” she says. Instead, try being curious and asking questions about your partner’s feelings and experiences.

If someone is trying to talk to you, Aleks explains, “they’re making an effort to improve the quality of connection. So I think it’s important to show compassion and curiosity”.

See a sex therapist

If despite your best efforts, you find that problems keep persisting, it might be worth going to see a sex therapist like Aleks. Seeing a professional is a great way to gain advice specific to your situation, as well as unpack and work through issues in a safe space. 

To find out more about Aleks’ work, head here.