Poolside: A satirical look at Australia’s swim culture

“The contrast between these swimming holes is in more than just location, it speaks to different sides of a national identity.”

Despite our differing political and social views, one theme remains consistent in Australian culture: we love to swim. In this satirical vignette of our nation’s swim culture, writer Daniel Mizzi explores the different sides of a national identity and how they can be distilled into, well, pools.

Amid the fever of an Australian summer lie the tanned and toned bodies of Melbourne’s Inner North. To beat the heat, they’ve flocked to the coolest spot in town: Fitzroy Swimming Pool. Yet, no one swims.

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Instead, they sit sizzling, slathered in tanning oil and wrapped in cling film, rather like rotisserie chickens, to protect their newest tattoos. Tramp stamps peek out from above their thongs, nipple rings replace bikini tops and chlorinated curls are swept from their eyes with a full set of acrylics.

Further south, a similar scene unfolds at Prahran Aquatic Centre. Bodies are slow-roasting along the pool’s edge, basting themselves with regular dips. Like at Fitzroy pool, there’s a thriving queer scene here. The difference is that in the Southside, everyone who looks gay is gay.

Massive, muscular men populate the pool – if they all decided to return to the grass, the water level would drop by half. To describe them as ‘big’ would be insincere, just as calling their swimwear ‘tiny’ would be generous.

One can catch a whiff of strawberry lemonade, mango swirl and passionfruit tart – not the scent of vapes, but Frozen Sunshine icy poles. Advertised to ‘lickers, suckers and biters’,  they quench thirsts and urges.

At Fitzroy pool, a sweet, sticky smell lingers in the air: fresh cherries, chop-shop tobacco and sweat, despite any real signs of exercise. It’s a scent one wishes they could stick their nose into;  a fragrance inspiring global pop sensation Troye Sivan to bottle and label his own, ‘Pool’.

Across town, another pool is being enjoyed, the Harold Holt Swim Centre, named after our former Prime Minister who disappeared while swimming in 1967. Here, perspiration is caused by desperation, as flustered mothers smear sunscreen over eager toddlers, while fathers wipe condensation away from their Eskies and the damp from their backsides.

Here, true-blue Aussies turn red in the afternoon sun. If the singer were to bottle this aroma,  it would aptly be titled ‘Suburbia’.

Unlike Melburnians, Sydneysiders prefer beaches over pools – and so do their tourists. Travellers come from beyond the seas, eager to catch sight of the advertised ‘Australian Beach Beauty’. They move in droves to Bondi Beach, eager to seek her out. Little do they know, those at Bondi are just fellow visitors. True Sydneysiders, savvy as ever, conceal themselves at tuckedaway spots like Gordons Bay, where the boys wear the bikinis. Sprawled out over the rocks, mermen, maids and theys soak in the rays.

The contrast between these swimming holes is in more than just location, it speaks to different sides of a national identity. Those who summer at Harold Holt’s pool and the tourists who frequent Bondi long for Australiana; swimming backstroke towards nostalgia for the past.

Meanwhile, the progressive in-crowd in Fitzroy paddle freestyle toward a new vision for Australia (or at least they would, if they dove in). Despite it all, Australians share a passion: we love the water.

If Holt were to emerge from the wet today, he’d be met with a country that’s united in other ways too. We’ve maintained a dry sense of humour. We laugh at the irony of a youth who would rather smell of ‘Pool’ than dive into one and naturally, we named a swim centre after a man who drowned. He’d also come to find our swim culture hasn’t changed: one need only observe the Fitzroyalty with their budgie smugglers and mullets to realise they, too, keep traditions alive, albeit ironically.

As the heat swells and cool water beckons, we strip down, shedding our usual armour and, along with it, our differences. Whichever lane you spent the day splashing about in, it’s clear the beauty of an Australian summer unites us. Dive in, as you are.

This article was originally published in Fashion Journal issue 196.

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