How do you feel about watching porn in a relationship? 17 FJ readers weigh in

“I don’t mind it, but I hope we have realistic expectations about what we watch and expect of one another.”

Even in our increasingly sex-positive society, the subject of porn can still feel taboo. It’s a topic that divides people and one that couples might struggle to broach. Does watching porn classify as cheating? What about paying for it? You might enjoy watching porn solo or prefer making it an experience with your partner.

Interested to hear how others navigate the world? Head to our Life section.

Maybe you have conflicting feelings. Sex work is important work, but porn (particularly the mainstream kind) can hold a lot of negative connotations. To find out how our readers feel about the topic, we asked 17 Fashion Journal readers: how do you feel about watching porn in a relationship?

Mali*, 22, she/they

Every relationship is different. Boundaries surrounding porn should be discussed. personally, I don’t watch porn while in a relationship and prefer my partner also does not. I try and disclose this early so we are on the same page.

Tilly*, 29, she/her

We love it! When we are both tired from work, it’s the perfect way to get us both in the mood quickly. We take turns picking videos so we both get to watch things we like/get turned on by. My partner is 11 years older than me and says most women his age never allowed him to watch it and would get mad at him. He says it must be a younger generation thing. He was shocked when I [initially] asked if he wanted to watch some porn together – like it was a trick question.

Lydia*, 26, she/her

[We’ve] spoken about it but personally, I don’t enjoy it. I also get concerned that my partner is comparing me to the girls in porn – which as we all know is unrealistic.

Renee*, 23, she/her

I have mixed feeling about it. I occasionally watch it and so does my partner. It is something we have talked about and both try to avoid. We both feel a little bad when we tell each other we watched porn, I think because we both value intimacy with each other over anything else. I think that overconsuming porn shouldn’t be normalised.

Anisa*, 34, she/her

Love it! We watch together or share what we like. I like to listen to audio porn or look back on media I’ve had with others. We are poly, so share a lot of our turn-ons, etc… it’s made us more open and expansive.

Mondays are my day off and usually, my partner knows I’ll be watching [porn], making some sort of content and sharing as little or as much as I’d like with him. Porn rules and I can’t recommend Dipsea enough. So good (I have an audio link though).

Tunde*, 24, she/her

If it’s just stimulation and there’s no emotional connection, I’m not fussed. People need help getting turned on and solo time is important too.

Isabelle*, 21, she/her

As long as there is open communication, and [it] doesn’t become an unhealthy addiction, I don’t necessarily see an issue with it (it’s circumstantial, of course).

Priya*, 23, she/her

I’ve been in a relationship for six years and my partner and I both engage in porn. We’re also subscribed to a few Only Fans accounts as a couple. Ultimately, I think it’s important that when you’re in a relationship, you also honour and foster a sexual relationship with yourself.

There are a lot of ethical and safety issues within the porn industry, but as long as you’re educated and it isn’t causing negative impacts on your relationship, I don’t see an issue. If that means paying for content, go ahead! Sex work is valid and important work! There also needs to be a safe and open space for discussions about porn within relationships.

Anna*, 38, she/her

I don’t mind it, but I hope we have realistic expectations about what we watch and expect of one another. I think our sex life is more adventurous because of porn, and my ability to orgasm has been improved because of ideas from watching porn.

There are times that I feel rejected when I know my partner has jerked off to porn instead of having sex, but I also appreciate that’s my own wounding and I’m 18 years into my relationship.. a little spice actually keeps the relationship alive.

Lucielle*, 23, she/her

My boyfriend has never watched porn and doesn’t have the urge to. Sometimes I wish he would, just so that he would be more interested in trying new things or even so we could have some interesting conversations about it.

Sam*, 27, she/they

I think [it’s okay] to use it occasionally as something to spice it up, or just to get to know your partner on another level… it can be hot! Also depends on the type of porn. Something crazy like 95 per cent [of porn] on PornHub is degrading to women – I wouldn’t find any of that enjoyable to watch with my partner.

Sally*, 20, she/her

Yes, my partner and I both watch porn, but I actually watch it more regularly than he does. We view it as a tool and source of inspiration, to help satisfy our own pleasure in our personal time since we don’t live together. We think of porn as something that can help us commit an act of self-care.

However, an important conversation we have openly spoken about is the unrealistic portrayals of sex that porn evokes. The way we tend to view the matter is that we are entitled to watch and do as we please within our personal time, as long as it is not negatively impacting our relationship.

Hariette*, 23, she/her

I don’t watch porn, does nothing for me – but I have always found the idea of policing your partner’s porn consumption pretty bizarre. I think it’s important to have a private sex life. Having a healthy sex life with yourself is what lays the foundations for having healthy sex with others!

Kelly*, 20, she/her

I don’t think that watching open is a bad thing in a relationship (unless it is harmful porn). A lot of people and partners have kinks and desires… it could just simply be that you are horny and your partner isn’t around, so you watch porn. It doesn’t mean that you want or desire someone else.

Bianca*, 19, she/her

I absolutely adore it, love chatting about it watching it and playing to it. We really connect over it as we have similar [preferences].

Rose*, 30, she/her

My partner watches it in moderation and I hate it. It’s definitely a point of contention between us. I grew up in a conservative Christian household (although am not religious) and he grew up with older brothers where he was exposed to porn from like 10 or 11 years old. He doesn’t watch it when I’m around and knows how I feel about it. I’m not sure if we will ever find an understanding about it, but I reckon it would be the thing that makes us break up.

Mafalda*, 25, she/her

I think as long as you’re maintaining a healthy sex life and both partners are feeling satisfied for the most part then it’s absolutely fine!

*Names have been changed.

For more on porn and relationships, head here.