How do you know if you have a praise kink?

“A praise kink is like words of affirmation’s dirty twin.”

Often when we think about kink, the images that jump to mind involve black latex, ball gags and whips. But really, the world of kink is built up of so much more than that.

Generally speaking, a praise kink falls on the softer end of the spectrum. I mean, who doesn’t love a compliment? It makes sense that we feel excited at the prospect of someone we’re attracted to calling us a “beautiful, perfect angel”.

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But for some, kind, affirmative words don’t just make them feel happy and appreciated. They make them feel ready to rip their clothes off. To learn more about the ins and outs of praise kinks and how they’re developed and explored, I spoke with sex and relationship therapist, Selina Nguyen.

So we’re talking praise kinks. Can you start by giving us a rundown of what a praise kink actually is?

A praise kink is when you get sexual arousal or feel turned on from receiving compliments, positive affirmations or feedback. This can be during a sexual experience, at the peak of it or even outside of it. 

Most people like receiving compliments, but how do you know if you have a praise kink?

The main differentiator is how it lands with you as the receiver. If it feels like a form of foreplay for you, if it leaves you wanting more, if it gets you hot and bothered – they’re all pretty solid indicators that you have a praise kink. For many folks, a compliment feels warm and fuzzy and then you move on with your day, but for those with praise kinks, it can hit very differently because of what was said or how it was said.

How do praise kinks develop and what is the underlying psychology behind them?

The research is pretty limited, but I don’t think it’s a stretch of the imagination as to why they work so well. On a social level, in the Western world, we live in a really intense and negative culture that feeds us a lot of messages about ‘not being enough’… so receiving praise can feel really validating and like an escape from all of that. On an emotional level, it’s also really affirming and encouraging in a sexual experience to know you’re doing a good job.

There’s an element of positive reinforcement and confidence-building in there that I hear really often amongst my clients, especially those who identify as women and often feel like they’re just fumbling their way through sex or have received a lot of cultural messaging that sex is ‘dirty’ or ‘not for them’.

The positive reinforcement element can be really permission-giving and freeing in that way because it explicitly affirms that it’s okay to be sexual and it’s okay to let go and get lost in your pleasure. On a physiological level, it’s also just a straight-up dopamine hit when we receive compliments, so our brains keep seeking it out and we want to keep pleasing in order to get more of it.

What kind of people often have praise kinks?

There’s a cliche that it’s for eldest daughters, perfectionists and former ‘gifted kids’, and I’ve seen some truth to that. But the reality is there’s no specific kind of person who has a praise kink. It’s not gender-specific, sexuality-specific or anything like that. I don’t think we need to overthink it either, because we all have a basic human need for approval and acceptance.

Is a praise kink similar to the ‘words of affirmation’ love language? How are they different?

A praise kink is like words of affirmation’s dirty twin. With a praise kink, there can also be an element of power play, dominance and submission or degradation as well. The giver is being assertive and dominant, maybe calling you a “good little slut”, and the receiver relaxes into and savours the praise. That is often different from your run-of-the-mill words of affirmation in your relationship, which can be more centred around connection and intimacy. 

Are praise kinks quite common or more rare?

They’re so incredibly common. Especially with the rise of audio porn apps and trends on TikTok, a lot more people are talking about it and they’re recognising that it’s something they enjoy and can ask for. 

What are some ways you can incorporate a praise kink into your everyday life and your time in the bedroom?

Of course, consent is everything. You can’t just go straight into calling your partner a “good little slut” and hope it lands well, or ask your partner to call you that and expect them to immediately be great at it.

It’s a good idea to talk about what words or phrases you enjoy, and if there are any that you specifically want to steer away from. For example, I think “good girl” or “good boy” is genderless. In my mind, it’s more of a concept and a feeling but others may not feel the same when it comes to being misgendered.

Audio porn, smut and erotic novels are great ways of exploring a praise kink and also giving you some inspiration for different phrases to try in real life. Practice is important – have some fun with it. Giving good praise is in the delivery and the confidence as much as it is what it is being said. 

What are a few examples of things you could say to someone with a praise kink?

“You’re such a good girl/boy”, “You’re so good at doing this” or “You’re taking this so well” are the classics. Others, for example, are “I love the way you taste” or “No one turns me on like you”. You can also go to the further end towards a worship kink with phrases like, “I want to worship you” or “You’re the sexiest person I’ve ever seen”.

For more on praise kinks, head here.