How to give a prostate massage, according to a male sexologist

The ins and outs of prostate play.

The thought of sticking a finger into someone’s butthole is enough send a shiver down the spine of even the most promiscuous of girls. Is it something prostate owners (typically people who identify as men) even want? And once you’re in there, how do you get the job done?

According to men’s sex coach and sexologist Cam Fraser, the answer to the first question, for a lot of people, is a resounding ‘yes’. “Prostate stimulation feels much more intense [and] much more full-bodied, and if you have a prostate orgasm there’s no ejaculation involved. You don’t have the refractory period so you can have multiple orgasms.”

For more sex advice, head on over to our Life section.

The second question – of how to actually stimulate the male G-spot – is a little more complicated to answer. Thankfully, Cam is just the right guy to ask. For those looking to understand all of the ins and outs of prostate play, he’s provided a detailed guide starting from the basics and working up to the pro tips.

Get prepared

Prostate stimulation, like any other new sexual act, is not the kind of thing anyone wants sprung on them in the bedroom. Cam says before you even get to having sex, it’s important to talk about it and make sure it’s something both parties are keen on. He suggests listening to Ruby Ryder’s podcast, Pegging Paradise, to gain a little more knowledge as well before diving into it.

Of course, cleanliness should be considered (always, but especially in situations like this). “It might be worth while having a shower or a bath beforehand. It doesn’t have to be so clinical. You could have a sexy shower with your partner beforehand and make sure you’re being hygienic.”

Next, assemble any supplies you may need. Lube, of course, is not optional. While water-based lubes are Cam’s all-around top choice, silicone-based lubes can be superior for anal play as they are more viscous and don’t need to be reapplied as often (just make sure you’re not using them with silicone toys or condoms). A prostate massage can be done using either a finger or a sex toy – there are pros and cons to both.

“With a finger, you can literally feel where the prostate is. You’re going to be able to be a lot more accurate. However, a lot of toys are ergonomically designed specifically to stimulate the prostate. Toys vibrate… [and] have other specific little things that can add more sensation,” says Cam.

“Whenever I talk about any type of anal play, for some reason guys, specifically, will always jump to fisting or huge things being inserted. And I’m like ‘Man, nowhere did I say that!’ So start small. You can start with a pinky finger as opposed to a ring finger, for example. You can always work your way up, but it’s very hard to go back down once you’ve hurt yourself.”

For those with long nails, Cam offers a pro tip. “[With] the fingers that you’re planning on using for the massage (in the glove that you’re going to be using), shove some cotton balls down there and then you can put your fingers in and the cotton ball will go around the nail so you don’t need to worry too much about doing any damage.”

The moment of truth

Rather than going straight for the kill, Cam recommends taking it slow and starting with some of the sexual acts you usually enjoy together. “[Start by] moving towards the perineum, moving towards the glutes and the butt cheeks… not even doing anything penetration-wise immediately.

“That’s all preparation work as well – getting the body ready, relaxed, aroused [and] in a state of pleasure. Because if you’re uncomfortable for whatever reason, mentally or physically, if you’re holding tension in and around your pelvis, it’s going to be painful.” Once you’re ready, hold at the entrance for a bit. Not only will this give your partner time to prepare themselves, but it’ll also tease them and have them waiting in anticipation.

“I always recommend just checking in one final time with your partner, like ‘Hey, are you ready? I’m coming in’. Whatever language you want to use for it. It doesn’t have to be that silly,” he says. For first timers, it can help to exhale when being penetrated, as the downward pressure on the diaphragm helps to relax the pelvis. Like anything new, it can feel a bit unusual at first, but it shouldn’t feel painful. 

Once you’re in there, you should be able to feel the ridges of the prostate – a “walnut sized and shaped gland” – as you curl your finger towards the belly button. “It’s anatomically, in the grand scheme of things, similar to the way you would stimulate the… [female] G-spot,” says Cam. “That same kind of ‘come hither’ motion that everyone talks about when they talk about digital sex and fingering [is] very similar to the type of motion you’ll be doing to stimulate the prostate.”

Try circling or stroking the prostate using different levels or pressure and gauge your partner’s reaction as you go. For more people, it’s unlikely that they’ll have a prostate orgasm on their first go, so Cam says it’s better just to focus on the pleasure and stay in the moment.

Not only will trying a prostate massage unlock new sensations and expand your sexual horizons, but it will also make you more sensitive towards your partner’s experience when you’re the one doing the penetrating. “The thing that I always say to straight guys is the more awareness that they can have about what it’s like to be penetrated, the better they’ll translate that into penetrating their partner,” says Cam. 

For more on the benefits of prostate massage, head here.