How to make friends at work, according to a psychologist

“In order to foster a friendship we have to share about ourselves and make ourselves vulnerable, so be mindful to not just talk about work.”

Back in school, making friends was easy. Surrounded by the same people every day for years on end, you were thrust into friendships and could usually establish a reliable circle. While many friendships don’t survive the coming-of-age experiences we have post-high school, there are those strong bonds that continue to thrive.

However, friendships aren’t as easy to make once you remove the blessing of convenience. And although a workplace is kind of a similar environment and you’re surrounded by the same people on a day-to-day basis, it doesn’t feel quite the same. 

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Personally, I’ve struggled to make lasting, close friendships with people in the workplace. In my first big-girl job, I felt like a fish out of water. All of my colleagues were beyond lovely and I could get by with small talk, but I never truly bonded with anybody on a deeper level. Today, I still struggle to create those connections that bring me closer to my coworkers and to a place where I feel as though I can open up – despite loving each and every one of them.

I spoke to Dr Amantha Imber, an organisational psychologist, author of Timewise and podcast host of How I Work, to get to the bottom of why it can be so hard to take those surface-level friendships to the next level, and how you can crack the ice. 

Work colleagues versus work friendships

It can be hard to wrap your head around who you view as a colleague, who you can have chats with and easily get along with, and who is a true friend you can open up to. A good way to distinguish the two is that while your conversations with colleagues will mostly revolve around work, you can delve into your personal life and other topics with work friends.

“I think the difference is about [having] people that you can really trust and rely on,” Dr Amantha says. “Because those things characterise a friendship and the people who you genuinely enjoy spending time with.”

While colleagues are those people who you can always go out with in a group setting and enjoy a post-work happy hour, something to ask yourself is ‘Would I go out of my way to hang out with these people outside of work?’. And I mean on the weekends in your own precious time, not simply out of convenience. Dr Amantha points out that this reflection will show how deep your connection is. “This is what distinguishes your work friendships versus just work colleagues that you’re amicable with.”

Making friends in a new workplace

Starting a brand new job is already daunting in itself – you’re being thrust into an unfamiliar environment, surrounding yourself with new people and learning skills you may not have used before. Adding the task of making new friends to this already long list can often leave people feeling lost and lacking confidence.

Dr Amantha tells me a great first step is to get a general sense of who the people on your team or in the organisation are. Who do you click with? “Often our gut feel can be very useful when deciding where we should invest more time in developing a friendship,” Dr Amantha points out.

Once you’ve distinguished who you mesh well with, she says the next step is to spend time with them during work hours. Whether that be getting a coffee, going for a walk during lunch or even scheduling in a virtual coffee if you work remotely.

“After you’ve had a few of those… you might suggest an after-work or after-hours catch-up, so progressing things that way,” Dr Amantha tells me. “In order to foster a friendship we have to share about ourselves and make ourselves vulnerable, so be mindful to not just talk about work, but talking about yourself and getting to know the other person, as humans outside of work are really important for establishing a friendship.”

Making new work friends when you’ve been in your job for an extended period of time

If you’re worried you’ve missed your chance to make work friends because you’ve been in your current position for a while already, relax your shoulders and stop overthinking because that isn’t the case. It’s never too late to start making friends.

Dr Amantha says the first thing to do is identify the people you’d like to invest your time in. “If you’ve been in the workplace for a while, you probably have a pretty good sense as to who you naturally click with.”

Start introducing more non-work chat into your conversations, getting to know them as a human rather than just a colleague. “Again, sharing personal things about yourself is certainly a way to build and strengthen a connection with someone,” she tells me.

Try branching out of those in-work catch-ups and taking the conversation after hours. Don’t be afraid to text or message them on social media and ask to hang out. After all, you know you get along with them well, so what’s the worst that could happen?

“Another thing to do can be looking for shared hobbies that you could potentially do outside of work, which makes for an easy friendship date.”

This article was originally published on March 27, 2023.

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