My partner and I tried scheduling sex, here’s how it went

Is it outrageous to timetable your intimacy?

We make time for almost everything. From exercise, to work, to dinner and drinks with friends – most of us have some kind of calendar. And personally, I’ve become highly reliant on mine. I never make plans without checking my calendar first, and I deliberately set aside time for activities that are important to me.

In saying this, it’s never occurred to me to set time aside for something like sex. And perhaps it’s because we tend to associate ‘good sex’ with spontaneity and spur-of-the-moment passion. From films to books, we’re often taught a healthy and exciting sex life means doing it constantly and being frequently overcome with a sudden need to tear each other’s clothes off. 

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We assume if our relationships are good, we’ll naturally make time for sex. And if they’re struggling, we need to take drastic measures or do something outrageous – like schedule it in.

But if we’re happy to have to make time for other parts of our lives, why is it so hard to imagine timetabling intimacy as well? Contrary to popular belief, Aleks Trkulja, a certified sex therapist, clinical counsellor and founder of The Pleasure Centre, says couples who prioritise sex (i.e. schedule it in) frequently experience higher sexual satisfaction. 

And the benefits of doing it seem endless. For one, Aleks tells me not only does scheduling sex benefit people who might be time-poor but “it acts as an agreement to prioritise time for connection and intimacy”.

“[Scheduling sex] can also be really nice to create a container or uninterrupted time for your relationship,” she adds. Plus, what’s considered ‘sex’ can vary – it doesn’t always need to include penetration and orgasms. Aleks explains it can be any intimate activity or a variety of sexual behaviours.

So, in the name of journalistic research, I enlisted my partner to see what it’s really like to schedule sex. Would it make us feel closer, or would the passion be lost?

How to start scheduling sex

Put it in the calendar

The first step in scheduling sex is finding a time that works for both of you. Between jobs, social lives and hobbies, Aleks explains you need to “choose a time and day that is less likely to be interrupted by other events or responsibilities”. Ideally, you need to balance working within your schedule and prioritising time to be intimate and sticking to it.

You also need to come to a consensus about how much sex you want to be having. For me, it was easy to fall into the trap of scheduling it every second day. But it’s important to be realistic about what’s possible and to let your intuition and desire guide you.

Be flexible and shift your mindset

As Aleks mentioned, what counts as ‘sex’ is open to interpretation. Whether it’s kissing, touching or oral, it’s good to be on the same page so you don’t have conflicting expectations. Check in and see if an orgasm is the end goal, or if it’s just about being intimate.

It’s also important to rewire your thinking and let go of the idea that scheduling sex means your sex life is bad. There’s nothing inherently wrong with prioritising time to connect with your partner.

The results

Initially, sitting down and adding ‘sex’ to my calendar felt quite businesses-like. Yet seeing it there, among deadlines, classes and other day-to-day commitments felt exciting. I’d go to work that day, knowing I was going to be having sex later – how could that ever be a bad thing? If anything, my partner and I both agreed the anticipation was a major drawcard.

However, we did come to a crossroads in terms of frequency and I felt compelled to schedule it in more than either of us probably wanted. Perhaps it was out of excitement for this uncharted territory, or perhaps because not having it ‘enough’ made me feel insecure. A week in, we were both pretty exhausted and decided to make some adjustments.

Scheduling sex also meant we tended to be more adventurous than usual. It felt a little lacklustre to always book a late-night session in, so we decided to broaden our horizons. Whether it was finding time in the morning, switching up locations from bed to shower, or simply knowing it didn’t always have to end in an orgasm, it was a nice way to mix up the repertoire. 

Would I try it again?

The answer is 100 per cent yes. Having tried it out, there aren’t really any negatives to prioritising time to be intimate with your partner. And rather than forcing every sexual encounter to be scheduled, allocating some time once every week or two weeks can be incredibly fun. 

Plus, it’s common for sex to take the backseat when other commitments come up. Carving out time to connect went a long way in ensuring that we were prioritising connection, pleasure and each other. So lean into the anticipation, send a calendar invite through and enjoy.

For more on the benefits of scheduling time for sex and self-pleasure, head here.