I asked a sex therapist what causes extreme kinks and how to navigate them

How to navigate extreme kinks in a respectful and sex-positive way.

Content warning: Sexual assault.

‘Babe, I feel a bit weird,’ the message notification from a friend got my attention. She’s single and mingling in the dating app scene with reckless abandon (get it, girl) but an admission from a recent match caught her off guard. ‘He said he likes wearing nappies. I’m just not sure how to respond.’

In a post-Fifty Shades era, it seems every kind of sexual exploration is at our fingertips. With online services like OnlyFans, Feeld and FetLife (to name a few) on the rise, it’s fair to say sex positivity having a moment – and rightfully so. Readily available information means healthier conversations, more normalising, less shame and better sex. It’s good news all around.

For more sex advice, head on over to our Life section.

Regardless of where you sit on the spectrum of sexual exploration, honesty and respect are always key. But as boundaries are explored and expanded, we may find ourselves in an uncharted territory we’re not quite sure how to navigate.

While my friend grappled with her response to the nappy-wearing message, I became curious. What makes a person aroused by wearing nappies? What causes extreme kinks in general, and how can we navigate them in a sex-positive way? To find out, I chatted to a certified sex therapist, PhD and founder of Sexual Alpha, Aliyah Moore.

What defines a kink?

“A kink is an umbrella term for any type of sexual activity or practice that isn’t considered normal by social conventions or goes against traditional sexual behaviours,” Aliyah explains. “It could be anything… that piques someone’s curiosity or interest.”

“What one person considers kinky might not be the same for another person and vice versa. That’s because many factors come into play to identify something as a kink. These include the time and place you live in, media exposure, your social circle, your sexual history, and that of your partner(s),” Aliyah tells me.

“For instance, you might consider anal sex a kink because it falls outside what’s deemed a normal part of sex (kissing, masturbation, oral sex and vaginal penetration) within your social sphere,” Aliyah says. “However, others might simply think of it as a preference.”

In other words, a sexual kink is something the people around you generally don’t consider widely conventional. The difference between a common kink and a more extreme or lesser-known kink is relative. Aliyah also notes the overlap between a kink and a fetish.

“Kink is a much broader term,” she explains.“Fetish is more specific. Simply put, it’s a kink if you like it but don’t need it to get off… it’s a fetish if you think it’s necessary for your sexual satisfaction.”

What’s the psychology behind common kinks?

For many of us, the term ‘kink’ conjures images of whips, chains, leather and dirty talk. According to a 2019 report in The Journal of Sex Research, between 40 and 70 per cent of people fantasize about bondage, discipline, dominance, submission and sadomasochism (BDSM) and 20 per cent report partaking in it.

Whether you’re in that 20 per cent or not, chances are you have some idea of what BDSM looks like in the bedroom. Moore says kinks like BDSM, role play and dirty talk can have intrinsic or extrinsic origins. Intrinsic in the sense they can be deeply rooted in our history – as an orientation, trait or identity. They can be extrinsic as a trauma response or something we’ve heard about or seen and wish to explore sexually.

“BDSM as a common kink encompasses sexual activities that revolve around power play or the erotic exchange of power between consenting partners,” Aliyah explains. “The psychological motivations for tops (or partners taking on the dominant role) [are often linked to] being in control.”

“On the other hand, bottoms (or partners taking a submissive role) [often] want to feel cherished and loved by their partners. Playing the submissive role enables them to keep their focus by allowing their doms to decide for them.”

What are some examples of more extreme kinks?

As we now know, kinks – common or otherwise – are layered in complexity and definitions change from person to person. When it comes to the more ‘extreme’ kinks, there are a few that stand out in Aliyah’s work.

According to Aliyah, age play is “a specific type of role play where one or two consenting adults take on roles or ages other than their own. The kink can range from subtle age play (like calling your partner “baby” while getting it on) to more extreme scenes like wearing a nappy and playing as an adult baby.”

Similarly to the common kinks mentioned above, some people are drawn to age-play relationships and dynamics as a tool to heal from past trauma or abuse. “For some ‘bigs’ (those playing the adult), it’s about building a world for the ‘littles’ (those taking on child-like roleplay) and taking care of them,” Aliyah explains. “Littles [often] engage in age play to relinquish control and have fun.”

Urophilia is “also known as piss play, golden showers, or watersports,” Aliyah tells me. “This unusual kink is for those sexually aroused by urination – either giving or receiving urine during the scene play. Often, motivations for this kink are closely associated with sadomasochism. Urine can be used as a fetishist object to humiliate or be humiliated.”

“People with a humiliation kink like to be put in their place by their partners,” Aliyah says. “Humiliation kinks express different types of power play. They can range from verbal humiliation (like being told you’re a bitch or your penis is too small) to more physical ones like being urinated on or bootlicking. People with this type of kink often are in high-powered roles by day and want to experience what it’s like in the opposite position.”

Objectum sexuality means to “have an attraction to or a sexual relationship with inanimate objects,” Aliyah explains. “This kink is the literal definition of a fetish. The most common fetishes include feet, lingerie, latex, nylon, leather, high heels and sex toys.”

“If you ever fantasise about your dildo, you have this kink,” Aliyah says. “And if you need a dildo to be sexually aroused, then welcome to the fetish world. Most fetishes stem from a person’s experience. For example, one may develop associations between sexual arousal and specific body parts or objects. There’s also an element of BDSM and taboo to these fetishes.”

Consensual nonconsent (or CNC) is an extreme kink that should be approached with open communication, set boundaries and a list of specific, prior-negotiated activities. “This kink entails the person being turned on when they’re taken by their partner, even if they say no,” Aliyah explains. “This can veer on the extreme side when conditions become more intense. Rape play, for instance… remember that the scene should be carefully thought out and negotiated by the involved partners.”

“Some people who have experienced sexual assault use rape play to process their trauma and heal. Playing out this kink gives them control over the scenario.”

Navigating kink play with your partner

Perhaps quite predictably, communication is key. In reality, navigating these conversations can sometimes be tricky and Aliyah recommends bringing it up in a non-sexual scenario.

“If you haven’t tried enacting any sexual kink or fantasy with your current sexual partner, I suggest you bring up the topic outside the bedroom or in sexual situations. Doing so gives you and your partner some time to think without being pressured to get things done right away,” she tells me.

“As much as possible, you should explain why you want to act out your kink or fantasy and share as many details of the scenario that you might be into… the outcome will likely be more pleasurable and intimate for you and your partner.”

If there’s a kink introduced that you or your partners(s) aren’t interested in partaking in, Aliyah suggests being honest, clear and gentle. Try to avoid shaming someone with disgust.

“What’s most important is setting clear boundaries on the aspects of the scenario that you or your partner feel comfortable with or not,” Aliyah tells me. “There’s nothing wrong with trying different ones until you find a few that work for you both, as long as they’re within your and your partner’s limits.”

If you’re not sure how you feel about it, there are ways to evolve the conversation without moving too quickly. “Conversations around sexual kinks and fantasies shouldn’t happen just once, and you’re done,” Aliyah says. “They must comprise a series of talks between consenting partners.”

Once you’ve opened the channel of communication, Aliyah suggests starting to educate yourself more. “Taking a kink test will give you beginner’s information; however, not all kinks are the same,” she explains.  “There are also online resources and books on kinks that you can download and buy… I [also] recommend hiring a sexuality expert, like a sex educator, sex worker, or sex therapist if you’re looking to explore more extreme types of kinks.”

If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault you can call the national sexual assault counselling service on 1800RESPECT, or head to its website for support and advice.