A somatic sexologist’s ultimate guide to fingering

“Despite what you might think, making a vulva feel amazing is not rocket science.”

Sydney-based somatic sexologist and sex and intimacy coach Alice Child is the founder of Vulva Dialogues. She works with individuals, couples and groups, helping people achieve happier, healthier and more fulfilled sex lives – whatever that means for them. Visit her website for more.

If you want to learn how to become an expert in the bedroom, you’ve come to the right place. Whether it’s learning how to pleasure yourself or a lover, vaginas and vulvas are often shrouded in mystery. And that’s because we simply don’t get enough good sex-positive education.

Not knowing what to do (or what to ask for) leaves a lot of people feeling either unsatisfied, nervous or disconnected in the bedroom. Despite what you might think, making a vulva feel amazing is not rocket science.

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We need to stop the attitude that fingering is just a rushed part of foreplay and instead turn it into the orgasmic, pleasurable experience it should be. Because when a great pussy massage is done right, it can be truly magical. Below are my top tips for fingering a vulva/vagina. Enjoy!

Learn the external pleasure anatomy

The first step is to learn vulva/vagina pleasure anatomy, where the pleasure centres are and how they respond to different types of stimulation. Although lots of people use the word ‘vagina’ to describe all female genitals, ‘vulva’ is the correct word for everything outside the body (e.g. the inner/outer labia and the head of the clitoris that sits right at the top of the inner labia). The vagina is the internal passage that joins the uterus to the outside of the body.

This is important because a lot of people (wrongly!) assume fingering technique is all about internal stimulation in the vagina. And while that can be a very pleasurable part of a great pussy massage, nobody who actually owns a vagina wants intense internal penetration before their body is already feeling nice and ready.

External vulva massage is often the most pleasurable part of fingering. In fact, research has found that between 70 per cent and 90 per cent of people with a vulva can’t reach orgasm without external stimulation. And I’m not just talking about stimulating the clitoris (more on that below). The inner and outer labia, the pubic bone, the inner thighs, the belly and the breasts (in fact, the entire body) are erogenous zones. A great fingering session will pleasure not just the vagina and the clitoris, but explore the whole body!

If you have a vulva, grab a mirror and take a look. Can you find your outer labia, inner labia, clitoris, clitoris hood (the skin that covers the head of the clitoris), urethra and the opening to your vagina? What does it feel like to look and explore? What sensations do each part of your body enjoy? Book a chat with a sexologist for a detailed anatomy lesson on the pleasure centres (and learn all of the sex education we should’ve received in school).

Learn about the clitoris (inside and out)

Many people assume the clitoris is like a button; the one-stop spot you should aim for when pleasuring a pussy. But there’s so much more to it beneath the surface. The head of the clitoris is incredibly sensitive, as there are over 10,000 nerve endings there. So of course, it can feel amazing when touched, rubbed or stroked.

But for many people, direct clitoral stimulation feels way too intense or even painful! Make sure you read your partner’s body language and check in with them for what feels good for their body. You might want to try indirect stimulation instead (e.g. stroking either side) and go very slowly and gently until they are ready for direct touch.

What people often don’t know is that the whole clitoral structure goes right inside the body. It’s between seven and nine inches in size and its only purpose is pleasure! It’s made up of erectile tissue, just like the penis. And like a penis, it needs to be filled with blood to become erect and that happens when you’re aroused.

Once that happens, there’s a lot of extra sensitivity, not just for the visible area of the clitoris but for the vulva and vagina too. When you’ve been fooling around for a while and your partner is super aroused, the appearance of the vulva will be very different. It’ll be a lot fuller and puffier and more sensitive. And that’s because these erogenous tissues and erectile tissues are becoming fully engorged. Grab a mirror and see for yourself!

The structure of the clitoris also helps explain why other places, such as the G-spot, can be so powerfully pleasurable. You hear people talk about clitoral orgasms versus penetrative orgasms. Often they are all clitoral orgasms – you’re just stimulating it from either outside or inside the body.

Go slowly

Just like a penis fills with blood and becomes erect and sensitive during arousal, so do vulvas! This means the more aroused you get, the more your genitals swell and fill with blood, the more your body lubricates and the more pleasurable sensation you can feel.

But unlike a penis, this process takes time. On average, between 20 and 45 minutes before a vulva is fully aroused and engorged. This is why slowness is key for pleasurable sex. You need to give your body time to become ready for action. So if you are fingering a pussy, don’t go straight for the clitoris before the body is ready. If the receiver needs time to relax, start with slower, relaxing or teasing touches. For example:

• Massage their breasts, belly and inner thighs
• Place a hand over their pussy and just hold it while you kiss them (the warmth of your hand will feel great)
• Tease them with slow, gentle fingertips
• Blow on their vulva (trust me)
• Massage their inner and outer labia very gently with your fingers and lube

Stay present

The most important thing is to give really mindful touch, so stay present and read their body language. If they do things like moan, sigh, rock their hips, shake and quicken their breath, they’re probably enjoying the type of touch you’re giving. If they pull away or tense, they probably feel the touch is a little too intense or moving too quickly.

Communicate

If in doubt, check in. Ask them what they like, what touch they enjoy, and what feels good for their body. If you receive feedback or direction, try not to get defensive or upset. You are both learning! Check in with them and ask questions like:

• How could this touch feel better?
• Do you prefer faster or slower?
• Does it feel better like this or like this?
• Are you ready for internal touch?

Remember everyone is different

Every body is different, and what feels amazing for one body might feel uncomfortable or even painful for another. Even if you have mastered fingering on one partner, you might need to learn an entirely new technique with somebody else.

Also, bodies change from day to day and month to month based on all sorts of reasons, such as menstrual cycle and hormonal changes. This means what feels great one day might not feel great on another.

Don’t chase orgasm

Make it the goal instead. We often fixate a lot on orgasm being the goal of sex, and that can be really harmful. Many people, particularly women, can find it difficult to reach orgasm with a partner, and putting this pressure on people often makes it even more elusive (and means they struggle to get out of their head and enjoy the moment).

The more we try and take the goal of orgasm out of our minds, and instead just focus on how to give and receive the best pleasure possible, the better. Besides – just because someone didn’t climax, doesn’t mean that they had a bad time.

Don’t use porn as education

Porn is often where we get ideas and learn new positions and new things to try. And while that can be helpful, it isn’t designed to be educational. It’s fast, intense mental stimulation to help people get off. It isn’t often representative of what feels good!

Use lube and try different strokes

Lube makes everything feel better – more pleasurable, more sensation. If you really want to give them a treat, warm it up. Warmth helps increase blood flow, meaning arousal, sensation and pleasure will come more quickly.

Variety is the spice of life, so it’s always fun to try a new stroke every now and again. See what works for you and your partner’s body. Here are some of my favourite strokes you can try.

For more fingering tips, head here.