I talked to a sexologist to unpack my aversion to oral sex

“Trying to give into sensation without succumbing to distraction is a challenge for anyone.”

Content warning: This article references sexual assault.

After a long hiatus from dating, I’m feeling nearly ready to get back in the zone. For many, a dating break may come as a result of focusing on work or having a bit too much bad luck on the apps. But for me, I had to tap out for the sake of my own mental health. 

Over a year ago, I had an experience with sexual assault which left me feeling broken. I didn’t know who I was anymore and felt completely lost in my own life. It was these extreme feelings of loss and turmoil that led me to say ‘farewell’ to dating for the foreseeable future. I knew that, for a long period, I needed to focus solely on myself and try to find a new ‘normal’.

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During this period of self-induced isolation and the reflection that came along with that, I had a few big realisations. I discovered things about myself that, had I been dating or with a partner, I wouldn’t have found out. 

One big thing I realised was oral sex makes me feel not just vulnerable, but anxious and sometimes unsafe. Whether I’m giving or receiving it, I find myself feeling exposed and afraid. I feel like I lose my power when it comes to oral sex – it becomes solely about appeasing my partner, rather than enjoying the experience. 

While I was on this dating hiatus, I realised oral sex isn’t something I’m comfortable with – even though I’ve recovered from the trauma of assault (for the most part). I can’t imagine myself enjoying oral sex in the near future. This realisation posed another problem for me: could I still be desired if I wasn’t willing to participate in this type of sex? Would I be rejected by a potential partner if I refused to engage in these activities? 

I came to the conclusion that lots of people must not be comfortable with oral sex. @e all have our vulnerabilities, and this kind of sex leaves everyone involved in an exposed position. If I don’t want to have oral sex, I shouldn’t have to – and fear of rejection shouldn’t get in the way of me saying no. 

I’m sure that as time goes on, and I grow more comfortable with being in sexual situations again, I will gain trust and learn to feel good while having oral sex. But for the time being, I want to assert my boundaries in the bedroom. So, I decided to speak to sexologist Lauren French to get her advice on how to approach saying no to oral sex.  

Is it normal to not want to have oral sex? 

Unfortunately, it’s super normal for people, especially vulva owners, to have some apprehension towards oral sex. It can be a really vulnerable position to put ourselves in… trying to give into sensation without succumbing to distraction is a challenge for anyone! It’s also a pleasure that is pretty difficult to recreate ourselves, meaning it might not be a very familiar sensation so we can find it a bit overwhelming.

How do I address this issue with potential partners? 

The cliche, as always, is communication – but we really need to be talking with our partners about how a sexual experience is making us feel. This might mean taking the time to figure out the wording that works, instead of just saying we “don’t like it”.

Do you feel vulnerable? Are you self-conscious of the look or taste? [Maybe] is it nice but you just can’t get out of your head during it! The phrase “I don’t like it” can have a hundred different ‘whys’, and each reason changes how we can adapt.

I’m anxious about oral sex as a result of sexual trauma. How can I start to get used to the idea again?

Firstly, you are on no one’s timeline but your own. You never have to rush into something you’re uncomfortable with to please someone else, or because you think you should be ready. Now, if you are feeling ready to give it a go again, try to think [about] how you can stay feeling in control during the oral sensations.

Do you need to be on top? Do you have to be giving clear directions, which your partner does NOT deviate from? Do you need a clear visual of what’s happening? Or maybe [turning the lights down] is better? It’s going to be trial and error, but if you can keep communication open with your partner, you’ll be able to find what feels right. 

And my favourite word to give people is “pause”. So, if during [oral sex] the sensations get too much, there’s a trigger or we just need a change, instead of saying “stop”, try saying “pause”. We have so many negative connotations with the word ‘stop’ (many for great reasons), but it can feel jarring for everyone when it comes out in the bedroom. So if we know we’re probably going to need lots of little stops, let’s call them pauses. And it’s completely okay to need lots and lots of pauses!

How can a safe space be created when having oral sex? And how can it be an enjoyable experience?

As we’ve touched on the vulnerability of oral sex, we [also] want to have a think about control. Now, some love the experience of giving control over to their partner, feeling at their mercy. But others need to remain in the driver’s seat. So have some reflection on where you fall, and adjust accordingly!

For more on becoming comfortable during oral sex, head here.