Would you date someone who doesn’t want to perform oral sex? 19 readers weigh in

“Bringing up other ways to work around pleasure or expressing how it makes you feel is a good start.”

While sex isn’t everything in a relationship, for most couples, it does play an integral part in developing – and maintaining – an intimate connection. Sex is also deeply personal, which means when it comes to details like libido, timing, likes and dislikes, preferences don’t always align.

For more sex advice, head to our Life section.

Oral sex can prove a point of contention, emphasised by the orgasm gap and traditional media’s failure to spotlight female pleasure. So if your partner chose to receive but never give – or to do neither – would that be a dealbreaker for you? Below, 19 anonymous Fashion Journal readers weigh in.

Emily*, 24, she/her, single

If they didn’t want to do it purely because they didn’t enjoy it, I would be almost offended and wouldn’t date them. I think oral sex is an intimate, endearing experience.

Rae*, 25, she/her, dating

No, I wouldn’t. My first boyfriend didn’t ever do it once, and we were together for about a year and a half. I was 19 and he was 24. At the time, I was relatively inexperienced sexually and deeply in love, so I let it go when he said it was disgusting, plus I didn’t want to pressure him. At 25, I’ve had more partners and found it’s really important to me. Plus if they expect it, then I’d hope they’d want to give it too.

Hugo*, 24, he/him, in a monogamous relationship

I would still date someone, but it would feel like something small is missing. From a male perspective, it’s less of an issue. If I was female my answer would probably be different.

Ayesha*, 22, she/her, single

Yes, I have been that person before [who didn’t want to perform oral sex]. Ever since then, honestly I prefer to date someone who’s not forcing or even asking me to because it should come naturally and if I wanted to, I would.

Rowan*, 29, she/they, single

Yes, being asexual it’s definitely something I’m not into and can’t imagine engaging in. I rarely date and if [I did], it would only be another romantic asexual, so I’m sure it wouldn’t be an issue. Nothing against those who are [into it]! Glad you’re having a good time.

Tamar*, 32, she/her, in a monogamous relationship

No, because what’s the point otherwise? I feel sad for anyone who would accept a non-oral performing partner. It genuinely breaks my heart.

Miguel*, 36, he/him, single

I’ve recently come out of a relationship with someone who doesn’t like to receive oral sex. For context, I get pleasure by giving pleasure, and in short, it’s my favourite sexual act to perform. Over the period of the relationship, due to this, I actually lost the majority of my confidence/identity.

I tried to understand and respect their choice but it was never met with a real reason, just “cause”. But something which may seem insignificant to them has actually left me feeling sexually insecure. In conclusion, I wouldn’t put myself through that again. Sex, to me, is a vital foundation in relationships and if there isn’t chemistry there or even a level playing field to explore, then be careful. It can have long-lasting effects.

Rory*, 22, they/them, single

I don’t think so, no – simply because I enjoy performing oral sex on others. So it would be a one-way situation. It sounds greedy, but giving and receiving oral sex is fun. But you do you boo. It wouldn’t be an absolute no if you were against it. But also… why? What if your partner really wanted it?

Luciana*, 33, she/her, in a monogamous relationship

I don’t like oral sex (for myself, but I’m happy to do it!) so my partner has never performed oral sex on me. That being said, if I had a change of heart and decided I wanted it, I would expect him to be willing to explore that with me.

I want my partners to be interested in exploring different things sexually, and it would massively put me off if they were a flat no for something and it wasn’t related to trauma or another legitimate reason. My partner and I have discussed it, and I know he’s on board if I ever decide I want to try it again!

Tim*, 28, he/him, in a monogamous relationship

Yes. Oral sex is one of the most intimate acts, and it’s very important to me. However, as long as other forms of sexual intimacy are frequent, it isn’t a deal breaker. Having said that, if I could pick only one sexual act to have for the rest of my life it would be oral sex.

Wei*, 27, she/her, in a monogamous relationship

No. Personally, I wouldn’t as it’s something integral to my own sexual pleasure. I do think it’s completely fair for people to not want to give or receive oral sex and that’s their right – it’s not selfish. However, I just personally wouldn’t be able to hold a relationship with someone who did not want to [do it].

Lou*, 48, she/her, dating

Yes, I don’t enjoy it either way.

Ana*, 23 she/her, married

If somebody was opposed to oral sex as a whole – both giving and receiving – I would be okay with that, because that would be a sexual preference. Kinda like if someone doesn’t like anal. However, if someone was requesting oral sex but refused to reciprocate equally as often (if I wanted it) of COURSE I would ditch them!

Personally, I prefer hand jobs to oral but I like to have both options. I am currently pregnant and I have this weird aversion to male cum. It actually makes me gag and nearly throw up. I had a chat with my husband and he has been so understanding about it. He doesn’t expect me to give him a blowjob until he finishes at the moment. I feel pretty bad about it.

Jules*, 24, they/them, in a monogamous relationship

Yes! I myself am autistic and find performing oral sex to be really difficult with my partner because of taste, texture, position, feeling, hygiene, etc. I still am able to sometimes, but I was really upfront about it at the beginning. I think that’s why I’m very comfortable with the idea of not receiving oral sex.

I think there are many valid reasons regarding [not wanting] oral sex that get deemed as ‘red flags’ in relationships. In reality, [you] just need a good conversation. If you are someone who wants reciprocation and your partner is unwilling/unable, then bringing up other ways to work around pleasure or expressing how it makes you feel is a good start!

I think both sides to this conversation are completely valid as well. Sex in general should be about feeling good, so if you want oral sex to be a part of that then you’re absolutely in your right to ask for it!

Ellis*, 27, she/they, single

No. My ex never went down on me and I resent that. I have since had great head. It is a god-given right and a feminist move. I also like giving head and would like it in return. Give and take is healthy.

Desta*, 28, she/they, dating

It depends – I’m less inclined to date someone who doesn’t reciprocate. I think I’d also prefer if someone didn’t do it at all instead of having conditions (eg. only special occasions, only if clean-shaven, only if they receive first).

Jamie*, 20, she/her, single

Yes, but only if they’d be okay with doing other things instead.

May*, 18, they/them, in a non-monogamous relationship

Yes, it is not a necessity for my pleasure and as I am non-monogamous, I can find that elsewhere.

Therese*, 27, she/her, single

It depends, but in my experience, no. This has been from partners who expect you to perform oral, but won’t reciprocate or even try to give you an orgasm. In other hypothetical situations yes I would, but I haven’t encountered these yet.

It completely depends on the reasons behind it. If it’s just not their favourite thing or they don’t get anything out of it but they expect you to perform oral on them, that’s a dealbreaker. If they’re a cis man who just refuses to because they’re a selfish lover; their only goal is to get themselves off and they’re more than happy to receive a blow job, it’s a hard no.

If there is a reason, traumatic or otherwise, that they won’t perform oral and they’re open, honest, communicative and willing to try other things, then that’s completely fine! At the end of the day, it’s not for everyone, and as long as everyone is communicating their wants and needs it’s all good. There are toys for a reason.

*Names have been changed.

For some of the best sex toys on the market right now, head here.