As a single woman, why do I feel embarrassed about wanting love?

“It’s okay to want to be in love. That doesn’t make you any less empowered or capable.”

Self-love proclamations pepper my TikTok feed with such enthusiasm, it makes me tired. Each scroll leads me to another woman preaching empowerment, independence and the importance of being your own partner, lover and best friend. While I agree with them for the most part and appreciate the incessant encouragement, they make me feel conflicted about my desire to open myself up to someone else, too.

I haven’t had many happy endings when it comes to love. My first love left me for the girl he fell in love with before me, who he was with throughout the entirety of our relationship. In my early twenties, I only ever seemed to form strong feelings for people who were emotionally unavailable to me. My last relationship was my longest and most serious, but it didn’t work out. In the end, I just didn’t really feel like myself anymore.

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For a girl who spent her young adult years reading period romance novels, things have been a little disappointing. So I’ve been building a shield of confidence and independence around myself to let everyone know I don’t need to fall in love to be whole or successful. And I really believe that. You can absolutely feel nourished and cared for when you’re not in a relationship.

It still shocks me that growing up, no one talked to me about the power women hold when we’re alone. There’s nothing more intimidating than a free woman with incredible style, a sense of self and the confidence to go after what she wants. People (men especially) don’t really know what to do with a free woman. They weren’t really taught, and neither were we.

But when you start feeling empowered to be alone, it’s intoxicating. It’s a power you never dreamed of because you didn’t know it was available to you. It’s taking yourself out to dinner and watching as people look over because a beautiful woman is sitting alone, eating by herself. And that makes them uncomfortable.

And turned on. They come up to you and ask if they can buy you a drink or if you need company. But you have the power to say “I’d like to be alone, thanks”. You can tell them the only love you need is self-love, and that you’re perfectly content with the life you’ve created for yourself.

This powerful independence is celebrated by other women everywhere. Self-love has never been more talked about by women on the internet than in 2023. We’re endorsing breakups that need to happen. We understand the power of self-pleasure and giving yourself an orgasm first. We’re practising body positivity and breaking barriers that previously tried to force us into an ‘ideal’.

All this is amazing and necessary. We need to have these conversations loudly so we can begin to carve out a new normal for women to be single and free. But also, it’s okay to want to be in love. That doesn’t make you any less empowered or capable.

Recently, I spent a night with a man I’ve always had a crush on. I’m not sure what it is about him, but he’s always made me feel tingly and nervous. I felt open and vulnerable in a way that I haven’t in a while because truthfully, my heart broke when my first love chose someone else. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten over it. In my pain, I learnt the power that comes with being independent, and I’ve been struggling to not be protective over it.

But I’m 27 now, I’ve had a long-term relationship since and I’m sensing a shift. I don’t feel embarrassed about my feelings anymore. They don’t make me feel weak. This man, the one I’ve always had a crush on, hasn’t returned my call or texted me to organise a follow-up date, despite saying he would.

I feel disappointed, but not foolish. I like that I was open and vulnerable with him, that I’ve been clear about how I feel. I’d tell anyone who asks that I really like him and always have. I’m happy to admit I feel a little rejected and confused as to his lack of response. I don’t regret the way I behaved, or that I opened myself up to get a little hurt. I don’t want to stop myself from feeling out of fear.

“Fuck him!” my girlfriends say. “You don’t need him!” And they’re right, I don’t need him specifically. But feeling connected and into someone again reminded me romance has value. I’ve been thinking a lot about little me and what she wanted for herself when it comes to love. I imagine telling her the love stories I’ve experienced so far and seeing her reaction to some of the poor behaviour I’ve allowed because I wasn’t sure I deserved any better.

I imagine telling her I want to be powerful and independent but I also want to be in love and taken care of, and I’m not sure if the two can ever come together. I imagine her laughing at me and saying “Of course they do, you’ve just got to be patient”. Sometimes, I think my inner child is the smartest of all.

When I imagine her, I can’t lie to myself. I know I love my own company. I like to read books, cook dinner to jazz music, drink wine, watch TV shows, cuddle my cat and listen to podcasts while I clean the house. I know I’m productive and good when I’m by myself and that I truly enjoy my own company.

I know I feel comfortable on my own in restaurants and that I don’t buy beautiful things to put on my body for anyone but me. I understand the importance of making myself cum and that self-love can mean face masks and tea or a therapy session. But I also know I’m a sucker for love and romance. I want to be taken on dates and feel giddy just looking into the eyes of someone else because I can’t believe they exist at this moment with me.

I might be the empowered woman you see sitting at the local bar, reading a book and drinking an expensive wine I paid for myself. But I’m also a woman who is soft and nurturing, who has a lot of love to give and dreams of a wholesome fairytale ending. After all, isn’t vulnerability the biggest strength of all?

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