I want to give celibacy a try, so I asked a sex coach for advice

Sex positivity, minus the sex.

I’m over sex right now. It wasn’t a singular event that made me want to take a step back from dating and casual sex, but an accumulation of horrible one-night stands, disappointing dates, a lack of connection with my own needs, work stressors and just a general overwhelming fear of men.

Though it’s been some time (almost half a year and counting), I’m sort of surprised to say that I don’t miss it. In fact, an opportunity for safe and casual sex came up recently and I happily turned it down. Sex has never been a do-or-die in my life, but it’s always been something I occasionally enjoyed.

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Having a chance to breathe, think about what I want and stop performing has been refreshing, but I know I want to get back into it at some point. Hoping to add some nuance to the sex positivity chat, I spoke to Certified Sex Coach Georgia Grace. We talked about abstaining from sex to see if any good (or bad) can come from stepping away from the bedroom for a while.

Is it normal for people casually having sex to decide they’re not going to have sex anymore? Is that common?

Yeah, I think we’re really starting to see a shift in the culture around sex, which is fascinating. Now we’re having all these conversations around good sex, consent, prioritising our needs and not just having sex because you think you should. People are starting to question what they actually want.

I’m noticing this with the younger generation. I would say that this stems from sex positivity… decades ago, you would get in a relationship and hope it lasts your whole life. We’re seeing more people come out and say that this is not a priority for them, and they’re really happy to live alone and prioritise platonic relationships. This idea of ‘the one’ and romantic love is changing a lot, too.

Do you feel like sacrificing sex, whether you’re in a long-term relationship or single, is healthy?

It depends on the individual. For someone who feels that sex is a huge part of their identity… naturally that would have an effect on them… then, of course, not everyone is wired in that way or values sex in that way, and they may feel completely content with never having sex again or only having sex a few times a year.

When we’re looking at whether there are any downfalls to not having sex, we would really be looking at… sex values. Why do you value sex? What does it give you? Love, connection, intimacy, pleasure or orgasm? Maybe to explore, to have fun and be playful… whatever that person’s sex values are, we can then examine what is missing.

Heteronormative sex is obviously very male-oriented. Do you think abstaining from sex as a cis female who has sex with men could help someone become more connected with themselves?

Yes, it’s so focused on the penis’ pleasure. Again, it’s so individual though. I’ve had many clients who have benefited from it. They said they were exhausted from going on dates, they weren’t having fulfilling sex and they found it kind of challenging to voice their needs and desires. So instead of continuing in that cycle, they took some time out and away from having sex… for many of my clients, it’s been great to have that intentional break. But it doesn’t work for everyone.

We also hear this rhetoric of ‘I’m just not going to have any sex or engage with any men; I’m putting a ban on men’. But then they start to really miss that experience and having sex and going on dates… I like to look at all of these things as experiments. If a client was coming to me and saying they’re curious about having a break, I would suggest being intentional about it [and] thinking about their boundaries… just looking to see what’s best for you at this moment.

Do you think abstaining from sex could have a positive impact on your life in the long term? And is that something that’s even sustainable?

It’s a hard one because when we’re talking about abstaining from sex, [because] I want to be really cautious to not move into slut-shaming territory. There are even a lot of sacred, spiritual practices that say to not have sex… this is definitely not my teachings, but for some people, it makes a lot of sense. In the long run, the only benefits would be the ones the individual is setting for themselves.

If they’re saying they need time or space, or just don’t want to prioritise it – then that’s a benefit. In terms of if we’re looking at really great sex, the more you have sex with yourself and others, the more you learn and know about your body… there are also so many benefits to having sex. It can be a stress reliever; it can be really connecting and grounding. Pleasure just feels really good. We all need more pleasure in our lives.

I feel like there is a lot of shame, especially as a younger person, in abstaining from sex and relationships. Have you noticed that?

Yeah definitely. Now that we’re moving into this sexual revolution… there’s a very narrow idea of what sex positivity looks like. When you don’t fit those standards, there’s a kind of reverse shame around not being sexual enough or being sexually empowered. Obviously, that’s a huge amount of pressure, and simply a crock of shit.

We need to dispel all of those ideas, just as we need to dispel the opposite… which is if you have a lot of sex, you’re a slut. We need to allow people to have their own idea of what sex positivity means and what sexual empowerment means… we need to allow for that individual experience rather than telling people and being really prescriptive about how they have sex because that’s so boring.

This article was originally published on May 12, 2023.

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