The art of the sexy voice note, from a sexting sceptic

*clears throat*

Laura Roscioli is a sex writer based in Melbourne. She feels passionately about making sex (and the conversations around it) more accessible, approachable and open. She also believes that the best learnings come from lived experience, and she’s here to share hers with you each fortnight on FJ alongside other musings, experiences and questions. You can follow Laura on Instagram at @lauraroscioli.

I’m a horrible sexter. I mean, so bad that I don’t engage with it. I can do a flirty text, like telling my boyfriend I want to devour him like a fresh and zesty coleslaw salad, or that I want him to unwrap me like a fancy present with a big designer bow. But when it comes to really getting down and dirty, talking about things we’d like to do to each other in the bedroom… I just get squeamish. 

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I’ve always felt this way about sexting. It feels like a performance, like it’s all for show. When I read things like ‘I want to suck on your nipples and claw at your hips until they have little finger indents’ I just think, ‘Really? Do you really?’. It’s like if it’s written I don’t buy it, don’t believe it. Anyone can write anything to anyone, especially online. 

Texting trauma

Maybe this is where the problem with sexting lies for me, in my negative experiences with online relationships at a young age. I’m 29, so when I started high school, MSN was the birthplace of romantic relationships. I was optimistic, naive, doe-eyed and ready for boys to fall in love with me. I believed their messages telling me I was the only girl they thought about when they drifted off to sleep, the only girl they felt extra shy around, who they missed when I wasn’t at school, that they might even… love. 

But I learnt very quickly those messages meant nothing, and if you took them too seriously — they’d embarrass you the next day by not talking (or even looking) at you. 

It used to confuse me. Why say anything at all? I can’t even count the amount of times I’d find out a boy who was messaging me, was also messaging one of my friends the exact same thing, copy and paste. The cool girls — who everyone had crushes on — didn’t seem phased. They were like, ‘Of course boys do this, they’re boys’ — but I didn’t want to accept it. It didn’t match my romantic expectations and it didn’t feel good. So, I guess I just learnt to expect nothing. To not trust a meaningful message, especially when it had sexual undertones. 

“Sexting is so normalised in our young culture, because we grew up with online flirting and romance,” says sex therapist, Aleks Trkulja.

“But we also know the performative nature of it. We know what goes into curating content. Often when it comes to sending a cute picture or video, you’re thinking, ‘How many did takes did this take?’ And it can take the romance, or the pure connection out of it.”

There’s so much more I could say about these early experiences and how they impacted my trust in dating men, but that’s another article. It just occurred to me, as I reflected why I struggle to sext, that this distrust is at the root of it. 

Venturing into vocals

“You should try a voice note instead,” my friend said, as I was airing out my sexting struggles on a recent holiday in Greece.

“Like, a sexy one?”

“Yeah!”

I’d never heard of this before, but I immediately liked it. Kind of like phone sex, but more empowering because you’re able to curate what you want the other person to hear. Plus, there’s got to be something sexy about hearing someone’s voice saying the sexy things, not just reading them off a screen. 

“Voice notes are grounded in a moment that I don’t believe can be staged or performed (to some extent),” she explained. “Sending your partner a voice note of you making yourself orgasm, calling their name, knowing that they can play it back to themselves while making themselves orgasm and not having to look at a screen, that’s something that feels more intimate and empowering all at once. If they close their eyes, it’s like you’re there.”

She goes on to tell me that her best experiences have been when trying to navigate long-distance relationships. She found this was the best way to connect with her partner when they weren’t together. It made the long-distance more sustainable and kept the sexual side of their relationship active. 

“The best part is that you’re not trying to make yourself orgasm while holding your phone,” she says. “You can just let it play out and fully focus on yourself. Of course, there’s phone sex, but if you trust the person enough that this is something they can keep and play back later, I think it’s a pretty special, sexy gift.”

I’m currently away while my boyfriend is back in Melbourne. So I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to put a sexy voice note to the test. I asked him to send me one. I was nervous, awaiting his reply. Would he be weirded out? Embarrassed? Self-conscious, like I am? But no, he was none of those things. He jumped at the opportunity — which was sexy in and of itself. 

He sent me one a few hours later. I waited until I was alone to listen to it. I popped my headphones in, lay on my bed and closed my eyes. He described a future scenario for us, one that he’d like to happen, that he’s thought about before. To my surprise, I didn’t feel squeamish at all. He’s a great storyteller, and I got lost in the details. To me, the details and things he focused on, really uncovered the things he likes most in intimacy. I felt like I was learning so much about him just by listening to a sexy audio note. I’ve always loved his voice, but to hear it in this way was new — almost like I was hearing it for the first time. 

“It’s so erotic to hear someone’s voice, as they’re describing something. It’s like audio erotica, but it’s on your phone, “says Aleks. “It makes so much sense, I don’t know why they haven’t marketed voice notes and potential audio erotica — it’s probably the only reason I’m going to use them any more!”

My boyfriend asked me to send one to him. I felt a little hesitant, but I wanted to meet him where he was. He’d put himself out there for me, been vulnerable, brave and sexy. So, I did it. I found a quiet place and I described where I was lying, how the sun felt on my skin, and what I’d like him to be doing. At first it didn’t feel natural, but I started to get into it — just like you do with any story. It takes a bit of warming up.

“Just hit record, put your phone down, and let your fingers go where they actually want to go,” my friend advises. She’s more advanced on her voice note journey, actually describing her own orgasm and having it out loud. I’d like to work my way there, but I’m not there yet.

If you’re like me and a little afraid but want to try something new, something more connected, Aleks says to not overthink it.

“It’s really simple, you don’t need to overcomplicate it. [You can] describe your fantasy and what you’re thinking about doing, what you like about that person, what you like that they’ve done to you, or the sensory experience you’re either in or have had. ‘I like the way your skin feels’, for example.

“Just close your eyes, and describe what you like.”

For more tips on how to sound sexy, head here.