The three-day talking rule changed how I date

“I was sick of falling into internet love blackholes with random men, so I implemented the three-day talking rule. It is as simple as it sounds.”

Dating is hard, and anyone who tells you it isn’t is in a long-term relationship. Honestly, it really is a jungle out there. Instead of dodging wild animals, you are trying to appease men that listen to Joe Rogan and try and explain your own job back to you. In my opinion, you need some strategies to cope, and that’s how my three-day talking rule was born.

The three-day talking rule came about because I’d match with people on dating apps, get into some banter and somehow end up entering an online relationship that would drag on for weeks before finally, and often disappointingly, meeting in person. Sometimes we’d even make the grave mistake of following each other on our social media accounts.

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Pro-tip: a person’s Instagram presence isn’t always an accurate indication of their personality. Fun shirts and inner-city pubs don’t mean they share the same liberal political values as you. Two weeks later – after I’d invested much time and perhaps even planned our wedding location or, at the very least, what I’d wear when we went on our first pub crawl together – we’d meet and there would be zero vibes or chemistry.

It was always heartbreaking. I’d be left scrambling, trying to remember how we even connected online at the beginning. Ultimately, after the awkward date ended, I’d have to strategically plan how to remove myself from their lives, all while feeling disappointed because they weren’t who I wanted them to be. Don’t get me wrong, often the disappearing was mutual.

Usually, it’s pretty easy for both parties to see there is no spark to be lit. But when is it okay to follow someone on Instagram after a dud date? See, the thing about dating apps is you can get trapped in them. They are easy, non-confrontational, and sometimes it’s just way less scary to build a relationship with someone from the safety of your living room in your most comfortable Princess Diana inspired oversized jumper. Going on face to face dates is more challenging, and it requires more work.

But the problem is, if you stay in the talking stage for too long, you can find yourself revealing more information about yourself than you ever intended. It’s much easier typing something into a phone than saying it out loud to a guy you just met at a coffee shop. In my experience, this leads to meeting the person and feeling embarrassed you’ve shared so much with someone who doesn’t even understand your jokes.

After facing this issue a few too many times, I decided I needed to get serious about how I approached dating apps. I was sick of falling into internet love blackholes with random men, so I implemented the three-day talking rule. It is as simple as it sounds. I will only talk to a potential lover via technology for three days max. That is it! Then I insist we meet in person, even if it’s just for a coffee in between work meetings or a quick drink in-between work and a friend’s birthday.

Now, usually, this is where people hit me with scenarios. What if he’s super busy? What if he’s travelling for work? What if their grandma just died? Well, I have two responses. Either you pause the talking and ask them to message you when they will be free next, or you just move on.

The truth is, people usually always have time or can fit something in, but it’s easier to drag things out online. Let’s face it, it’s tempting to not live in reality and avoid putting yourself out there. I know the three-day talking rule sounds simple, but it’s hard to be assertive as a woman.

We are told to be patient, polite, and respectful, and I was always in the habit of waiting for the man to ask. So it didn’t exactly feel natural to message a man I’d matched with and say, “No, let’s grab a coffee this week”, but that is where the internet is your friend. It’s much less intimidating doing it online instead of in person. Honestly, it’s usually a red flag if they get weird about it.

My three-day talking rule really did change how I dated. It actually meant I dated. I went for coffees, lunches, drinks, adventures, and I met lots of new people. It forced me to get away from the apps and helped me stay away from falling down internet relationship rabbit holes.

Of course, it also meant that my hopes weren’t super high when I did go on dates. I hadn’t brainstormed our wedding hashtag or imagined the kind of terrace we’d share when we moved in together. It was freeing, and it also saved me a ton of time and emotional energy.

For more advice on online dating, try this.