What is the three-month rule and how can it affect your relationships?

I give it three months.

My friend went on a blind date the other week. She didn’t expect a lot from it, but she ended up staying out all night, jumping from one wine bar to the next. The conversation was easy and shockingly, he actually asked her questions about herself. She spent our catch-up raving about what a perfect fit they were.

Say what you will, but there’s not much that tops the excitement that comes from a really good first date. It’s hard to force chemistry and when the spark is there, no one can blame you for wanting to grab onto it. Dates quickly turn into weekends away and occasional texts rapidly become everyday messages.

For more dating advice, head to our Life section.

The only danger is getting too caught up in those first few months of bliss. Soon enough, the shininess will usually wear off and you’ll start to see the person for who they are, beyond your own projections. Are they reliable? Are they ambitious? What’s their relationship with their family like? If you’re lucky, they’ll be even better than you first thought. But if you’re not, those big red flags will start to emerge beyond the first few months together.

Why three months?

According to the three-month rule, the three-month mark is the perfect time to gauge whether your new relationship will last. Though it doesn’t mean you have to endure dating someone you know you don’t want to end up with, it can be a helpful timeframe before going exclusive.

In theory, by three months, you’ll have had enough time to differentiate between chemistry and long-term compatibility. You’ll know whether you want to keep dedicating time to a certain person – or move on to greener pastures.

“Three months can be a good touch point for the ‘What are we?’ conversation – a moment in which you decide whether to continue what you’re doing or choose a different path,” explains Hinge’s Director of Relationship Science Logan Ury.

“It’s a chance to discuss where you are and where you’re headed. If someone doesn’t take you seriously as a potential partner, wouldn’t you rather know that sooner than later?”

How to approach the ‘What are we?’ conversation

Whether you want to give it one, three or even six months, when you’re ready, you should prioritise having a ‘What are we?’ conversation.

“You need to know if you’re on the same page about where you are and where you’re going,” Logan says. “The goal is to understand their perspective, not to negotiate or convince them to change their minds.”

If things are going well, you should approach the conversation having already thought through what you want to say. Do you want to take things to the next level, or do you want to make a break?

If things are looking good, Logan advises talking in person (rather than online) and being clear with the other person about what you want to know. Do you want to be sexually exclusive? Do you want clarity on labels?

“Remember, this is a conversation, not a negotiation,” Logan says. “Respect what the other person says. Listen. This is about learning how they feel, not persuading them to give you what you want. Even if you don’t receive the answer you hoped for, at least you have additional information.”

If you’re looking to wrap things up, Logan says ghosting is officially off-limits. “You don’t need to get into all of the details of why, but it’s important to break things off with them as soon as you know you’re not interested,” she tells me.

If it’s been a little longer – say three months – then you might opt for something in person. Pay attention to how you feel when you’re together and whether you like the person you are around them.

“You don’t owe them a detailed conversation about why you’re not interested in moving forward, but you do owe them a clear update on how you’re feeling once you’ve decided you don’t want things to move forward,” Logan says.

Putting time constraints on your dating life

Though the three-month rule might have its benefits, Logan says you should be conscious when applying a rigid timeline to your dating life. Everyone’s work, friendships and family commitments will vary. Some people will see each other every second day, others might have weeks between catchups.

“Those relationships will evolve at different speeds,” Logan says. “Remember that some of the best connections come from a slow burn rather than the spark. Give yourself time for the connection to develop.”

For more on dating, read Hinge’s first-ever Gen Z dating report here.