What to do when you’re triggered during sex

Content warning: Sexual assault and trauma.

I lost my ‘virginity’ when I was 18. When asked how it happened, I usually lie. I tell the story of a girl, a boy and a blow-up mattress squeezed into a borrowed tent. The truth remains untold, one of the many stories uttered behind closed doors, scrawled onto protest signs or graffitied onto bathroom walls.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learnt far too many people in my life share similar experiences. For some, the reminders of their trauma are few and far between. For others, it’s a daily struggle. But for most –myself included – these experiences can make sex and intimacy triggering and confusing.

According to current statistics, one in six who identify as female and one in 25 who identify as male will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime – this likelihood further increases for those whose identities exist outside the gender binary. With sexual assault reports only increasing in recent years, it’s clear this issue isn’t going away.

So how can you support your partner/s if they become triggered during sex, and what can you do if you personally feel triggered? I spoke to Cheryl Gale, a psychologist working on Wadawurrung Country at Proactive Health and Movement, to find out.

Simple coping mechanisms

Before I began seeing a psychologist, I used to get triggered during sex fairly regularly. My go-to response would be disassociation – mentally checking out of my body, allowing it to become numb to the hands, kind or cruel, that touched it. I was embarrassed and ashamed I was still letting these ‘bad experiences’ hold such power over me.

The thought of trying to explain my feelings to someone was just as painful and terrifying as any flashback. “The problem with ‘pushing through’ or attempting to dissociate is that it can be re-traumatising,” says Cheryl.

“Instead, try to give yourself permission to feel your emotions and address what you’re feeling, try and choose honesty.”  So, if dissociation and denial – two of my all-time favourite coping mechanisms – aren’t recommended, what can I do?

“Slow, deep breaths are always a great place to start,” Cheryl tells me, “they help calm you by engaging the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps regulate your heart rate and breathing”. Another simple technique Cheryl suggests is picking a colour and focussing on it.

“Choose a colour – for example, green – [and] look around and find everything green. The leaves of a plant, the cover of a book, writing on clothing… give yourself a simple activity to channel your focus and help you feel present.”

Grounding exercises

While factors like stress and anxiety can contribute to the likelihood of becoming triggered, something as simple as a smell, a sound or a position can also trigger a flashback. I find it hard to even pinpoint my own triggers at times. One moment I’m fine, and the next I can’t breathe.

I’m transported to a different time when my limbs wouldn’t move when I told them to and my mouth can’t have been moving either because no one seemed to hear me shouting “no”.

“Recognising the reaction your body is having is about honouring your level of recovery, your past self and your experiences,” says Cheryl. “Grounding exercises can be a great way to re-engage your senses in the present moment.” She recommends the ‘five, four, three, two, one’ method. “Find five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell and one you can taste.”

Cheryl also suggests changing factors like location and temperature. “Walking with bare feet can be great, feeling cool tiles or soft grass underneath your feet, or jumping into a cold shower, even holding ice cubes in your hands.”

What about your partner/s?

Everyone processes their trauma in different ways. Some want comfort and support, while some want space and silence. Personally, I often worry that communicating what’s happening will make my partner think they’ve done something wrong. “You don’t have to explicitly tell them what you’re feeling or thinking,” Cheryl responds. “You can ask to switch positions, say you need a toilet break, water, or a minute to catch your breath.”

Cheryl suggests taking a break and letting the person experiencing the trigger decide what level of intimacy they’re comfortable returning to. “This could be picking up sexual activity, but in a different position, cuddling, or going for a walk together.”

“Allow the person experiencing the trigger to initiate further sexual activity. It isn’t ‘Okay, half an hour has passed, I’ll give them a kiss and tug at their underwear and see where that gets me’. Affirmative consent and communication always come first.”

“Healing isn’t linear,” Cheryl says. “No matter how long ago it was, no matter how much you have worked through your past, there will be days and moments both good and bad. That doesn’t undermine who you are, or how far you’ve come – that makes you human.”

These moments of panic and fear, when memories are so strong they smother your senses and steal your sense of self, are experienced by more than any statistic can truly grasp. While we can’t change the past, we can change how we approach sex and the triggers it can bring.