Unicornetto haunts my dreams

Words by Sasha Gattermayr

Please don’t kill me.

I’m genuinely scared of this ice-cream.

Emerging from nondescript marshmallow heavens like the millennial messiah, this mythical confectionary creature looks like it’s coming for my brain cells and my inferiority complex.

I’m terrified of the magical properties this frozen treat claims to hold and its promise to “make your fantasies come true”. Can you see inside my mind, Unicornetto?

It’s a hypnotic candy-flavoured extravaganza that looks entrancingly like a con artist cult leader. Is this the Kool-Aid of the Internet age? Will it be like when Willy Wonka took the kids to candy-land and then shoved them on an acid trip boat ride down the chocolate river?

Will this ice-cream give me abandonment issues? Does it promise me the world but actually tastes like fairy tears and unicorn blood?

A pink cone wrapped around marshmallow and fairy floss-flavoured ice-cream, with strawberry sauce, a unicorn royale rosette and multi-coloured chocolate crispy chocolate balls. I don’t want to eat it but it looks so good.

This ice-cream makes me feel like that episode of the Simpsons where all of Springfield is brainwashed to join the navy. Is Cornetto forming a zombie army of sugar-addled psychedelic children driven by an overlord from the depths of kids YouTube? Or from the marketing team of a giant multinational corporation?

Is the apocalypse upon us? Is this how the world ends, not with a bang but with a sparkle?


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