What’s it like being in an age-gap relationship? 13 readers share their experiences

“I felt pressure to prove I wasn’t ‘there for his money’… it was funny because I never saw, or expected, a cent from him.”

Between Leo DiCaprio’s 25-and-under dating history and the recent backlash from Billie Eilish’s 31-year-old beau, age-gap relationships are a big topic of discussion – and opinions are divided.

Interested to hear how others navigate the world? Head to our Life section.

But what do age-gap relationships look like outside of the celebrity sphere? Is an 11-year gap really as egregious as the internet would lead us to believe? To find out, we asked Fashion Journal readers to share their experiences in age-gap relationships.

Beata*, 18, she/her, in a monogamous relationship

My partner and I have only recently become official. There are five years between us, he’s 23 and I’m 18. It’s been a bit stressful so far because I’m worried other people will judge us – so far our friends and family have reacted fine though! Five years isn’t a huge gap, but because I’m 18 (nearly 19), the gap is a bit of a sensitive issue. It bothers my partner a lot more than me though.

Daisy*, 24, she/her, dating

I personally don’t care about the gap between us (nine years). They are quite immature and party a lot, so I feel like I’m the mature one. One of my friends brought it up and said they didn’t like us being together because of the age gap – this was something I found surprising because I never notice it.

I think it’s completely different for each couple. People mature at different paces and as long as you’re happy and feel like you’re on the same page, then it doesn’t matter.

Charlie*, 29, she/her, in a monogamous relationship

I had a one-year, monogamous relationship with my ex-partner who was 50 and I was 25 (I am now 29). My friends and family were very accepting from the get-go because our connection was clear. We were also friends for a while before committing to one another.

We were judged a lot by others though (questions like “Is that your Dad?”, and other crap like that), but we learnt to laugh it off. What surprised me then was that the judgement was almost ALWAYS directed at me, and not him. And it was almost always from middle-aged women who felt as though ‘girls like me were the reason men aren’t interested in women their own age’.

I felt pressure to prove I wasn’t ‘there for his money’, for example. It was funny because I never saw, or expected, a cent from him (we are still great friends).

Now that I’m a little older, I understand those women’s frustrations… society is brutal to ageing women. It tells men they can and should spread their seed but tells older women to pack it in. Of course, I know their frustrations were misdirected – but I totally get where it came from.

I thought he would be much better in bed! I say that with amusement – no judgement! I suppose I just assumed with his experience, he would’ve been more in touch with women’s bodies, but no. I think fondly of that relationship.

Our humour and love for storytelling aligned almost perfectly. He was a great bloody kisser too. We are now good friends, in long-term relationships of our own, but it took us a while to get there. He was upset when I ended the relationship. But I’m glad I did.

Saorise*, she/her, 28, in a monogamous relationship

I certainly feel judgement when people hear how many years are between us, but it’s typically coming from people who don’t know us well (like colleagues). My friends were hesitant at first because they thought he would want kids quickly, but we’re on the same page. Our families have been super supportive and have honestly never brought it up.

At least I’ll always feel young! I didn’t expect the pop culture references between us would be so different. He was a teen in the late ’90s and early ’00s, and I was a teen in the late ’00s and early ’10s. While there is some crossover, the gap feels pretty big there. We have a 10-year gap (could be 11, depending on the month of the year) and have been together for five years.

Farrah*, she/her, 32, in a monogamous relationship

My partner is 13 years my senior and we fell in love when I was 21, 11 years ago. I’m still not quite as old as he was when he met me. It was an all-encompassing romance and we fell pregnant within six months of being together. Another kid later and we’re still together, older and wiser but with the same age gap. We had quite a few comments about the age at the start, but everyone was very supportive.

No one even notices now. Age doesn’t equal maturity. For me, having kids young meant I kind of sacrificed a ‘normal’ twenties, which I knew I was doing – but it’s only sinking now what that meant. It’s not so much about the age gap, but being with an older person meant I had to grow up a bit faster. We had a family sooner so he wasn’t too old when it happened.

Also, I hadn’t had much life experience before him, while he has a whole long history of life before me. That’s just part of it. I think you can find kindred spirits no matter what age, each can bring both wisdom and youthfulness to the relationship. There has to be mutual respect, and age can’t play in the power dynamics of it.

Ivy*, she/her, 25, single

I spent six months dating a guy eight years older when I was 23. It was during a lockdown, so we spent quite a lot of time together. I didn’t tell my family because I feared judgement about it (even though my Mum’s partner is ten years older than her), particularly since I wasn’t sure it would eventuate into an exclusive relationship.

My friends knew and most thought it was fine, but a few close guy friends were a bit wary. The guy I was seeing didn’t mind the gap and said it made him feel good about himself, and to be honest I felt the same. Although, reality hit when our relationship started to get more serious. I had to face publicly being with someone that much older in my early twenties, and I’d say it’s a part of the reason we didn’t stay together.

… It was my first time getting to know someone in their thirties and I was surprised he and his friends didn’t seem drastically different from my friends who were in their twenties. They weren’t ‘grown-ups’, they were just slightly older. I think age-gap relationships can work, as long as both individuals know who they are and aren’t worried about the perceptions of other people.

Brianna*, she/her, 30, in a monogamous relationship

I think my parents were pretty stoked I was dating someone who was switched on, mature and loving. It would probably be the same if I was with someone closer in age. I barely think about the age. We’ve been together for eight years now (I was 22 and he was 32 when we met). I don’t worry about what others think… I don’t think they care as long as we’re happy.

Paloma*, she/her, 25, single

I was 22 when we started going out and he was 19 years older than me. We lasted three years on and off. I felt judgement from everyone, except my mum who loved him. My friends liked him, but he was never fully immersed in them. Spiritually, he was such an old man – whereas I’m quite transcendent and spontaneous in my behaviour. But we got along well and he wasn’t as toxic as other guys I’d dated.

Looking back, the judgement was warranted. Not because he took advantage of me, but because he had this very habitual, old-man personality yet was immature… he didn’t have his shit together. I taught him to cook and invest, not knowing either myself – which speaks volumes.

… He’s not a bad person, he just was stuck in his ways and didn’t really need a partner. I thought being young and hot would give me so much power – it didn’t. He seemed nonchalant like he could take it or leave it – until I eventually left for good… I think women sometimes forget that no matter how hot or chill you are, for some people you’ll never be enough and that’s okay.

Geraldine*, 34 she/her In a monogamous relationship

We’ve been together for six years. When we met, I didn’t want kids and he had kids, so it was perfect. I wasn’t depriving him of anything. However, as I entered my mid-thirties, my perspective changed and I [now] want children. He has a vasectomy and two kids with disabilities, so he’s adamant about no more for him. So now at 34 and 43, I’m cornered by their life pre-me.

He’s Gen X and I’m Gen Y/millienial. Whilst he is progressive about topics like race, sex, gender etc… I find that he – perhaps reflective of his generation – is very apathetic about life, especially inequity. He doesn’t think people can enact change. I’m passionate about everything and think my generation and those after mine can change the world for the better. It’s frustrating… I get so passionate and he just shrugs it off.

I matured fast due to family trauma, anxiety and depression (life circumstances). Before I met my current partner (so mid-to-late twenties), I was finding guys my own age just weren’t mature enough to understand hardship. Meeting a man a bit older with more life experience put us at the same maturity age.

Caroline*, she/her, 29, in a monogamous relationship

I was 22 when my partner at the time was in his fifties. Upon reflection, it was a strange time. I didn’t tell a lot of people because I felt internal embarrassment. He had kids, most of who were older than me. We didn’t meet formally, but I know they knew about me and it was obvious they weren’t happy about the situation.

I didn’t tell my family, because they wouldn’t have accepted the relationship. Luckily, I was living overseas at the time. I think my girlfriends were confused but didn’t judge. I don’t think they accepted it though, they just let me ride it out. [I worried] he thought of his children and their perspective of me.

It was a constant worry that he would be perceived as predatory. Now that we’re not together, I see photos of him and his new partner on social media and she is approximately the same age as him, which I’m now confused by.

Farida*, she/her, 28, In a monogamous relationship

I’m four years older than my partner. The main thing I’m being berated about by friends and family is whether or not I know he’s ‘the one’, because apparently I’m ‘running out of time’ and he has ‘nothing but time’. He’s well-liked by everyone in my life, but my fertility window seems to be at the forefront of everyone’s minds. I’m not even sure I want kids at all!

I can see where the interest lies with the age gap from a third-party perspective, but all the conversations always come back to the same topic (having babies), which feels rather regressive. It’s like I’m not being taken seriously because, in their eyes, I should be looking to get pregnant by now. They think he’s either in the way of that or he’s holding me back.

Never mind about how he or I feel about the situation! Sometimes, friends and family saying they “have your best interest in mind” is just them pushing their agenda onto you. Critical feedback isn’t constructive when it’s unsolicited.

Dolly*, she/her, 30, in a monogamous relationship

I’m 30 and he is 41. At times, I would feel a little insecure around his friends. I was worried they thought maybe I was just a fling or possibly there for money. However, no one has ever said anything that implied this or made me feel this way – it was my insecurities.

[It was unexpected when we were] buying property, thinking about a 30-year mortgage and how he would be 70 in 30 years. Relationships are so nuanced and each individual experiences them differently – age gap or not! We have an 11-year difference and I’ve never been in a healthier, more respectful and loving relationship.

Adele*, she/her, 27, single

It was a six-year difference. I didn’t feel the gap at the start, but as we grew and changed in our seven-year relationship, the age gap and our different wants and needs began to show more… he was ready to settle down and I was looking to explore travel and my career, so we grew apart.

*Names have been changed.

For more age-gap relationship stories, head here.