Why are age gap relationships so taboo?

Although there are no hard and fast rules for age gap dating, such relationships typically face harsh judgement.

Age gap relationships have always existed, but over the last couple of years, thanks to the Me Too movement and celebrities speaking out, such relationships have been placed under the microscope. One of the tipping points for me was the release of Taylor Swift’s new extended version of ‘All Too Well’.

Famously rumoured to be about none other than Jake Gyllenhaal, the song, and video clip, tells the story of an age gap relationship – she was 20 and he was 29. Although a nine-year age gap is nothing new in Hollywood, Taylor portrays the relationship as riddled by a power imbalance, both in the song’s lyrics and the short film.

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For many, both Taylor stans and beyond, this example encapsulates how our understanding of the complexities of age gap relationships has changed over time. Of course, not all age gap relationships are toxic but over the past five years, we’ve collectively been developing a vernacular to recognise when things are wrong within these dynamics – both from the inside and out.

These sorts of relationships occur beyond the lives of celebrities and although there are no hard and fast rules for age gap dating, such relationships typically face harsh judgement. But not every relationship with an age discrepancy is like TayTay’s, so is this judgement always warranted?

To help unpack the taboo surrounding age gap relationships, I spoke to one of Australia’s leading love and relationship experts, Dr Lurve, all about navigating a coupling with a large age disparity and whether the scrutiny is justified or not.

In your opinion, what constitutes an age gap relationship?

For me, age gaps aren’t as important as generational gaps. You might be in a relationship with someone 10 plus years your senior and you and your partner are on the same wavelength – on the outset, people might judge you as a couple, but you really are perfect together.

Age gaps become an issue when people outside of the relationship bring their opinion to the forefront; it’s a misconception that your perfect person needs to be within five years of your age. If someone is 60 plus years old and young at heart, who loves to party, [they] will naturally find themselves with a similarly aligned person who may be 25, 35 or 45.

Why do you think there is a taboo still surrounding these types of romantic relationships?

For centuries we’ve seen older men date and marry younger women and not bat an eye, and in our society, the taboo is mainly around older women dating younger men. When someone that’s over 40 dates someone in their 20s, people often say “You’re dating a child” or “They’re the same age as your kid, doesn’t that bother you?”.

Taboos are a reflection of [the] majority of society being uncomfortable with it because they tell themselves they would never date someone too old or too young for them. Each person is different, so what may work for two adults that are 10 plus years apart may not work for others who are the same age – happiness is never guaranteed based on age.

Can an age gap between two consenting adults ever be too large?

I think there are scenarios where an age gap can be detrimental but only when the couple, in particular, doesn’t have much in common. Generationally speaking, they may see the world in different ways, hold different values and goals in life. I’d say a couple with an age gap of 25 to 30 years would have more difficulty with commonalities than an age gap of 10 to 15 years.

What does an inappropriate age gap relationship look like?

Inappropriate relationships to me are the ones that bring out the worst in each other, which can happen at any age. If the relationship age gap is offering a disconnect between what the individuals want in life, for example, a 25-year-old and a 55-year-old, they may want different things in that stage of their life.

The 55-year-old may want to settle down, while the 25-year-old wants to travel, party and enjoy life. Relationships with teenagers is a whole other can of worms, as young girls can be misled and manipulated by older men – the same goes with young men and older women who may take advantage of their [the young man’s] sexual exploration stage.

What would be the negative impacts of such a relationship?

Negative impacts of inappropriate relationships would be the younger person developing a poor idea of what a healthy relationship looks like. They may be using this older person to deal with their parental issues, such as abandonment of a parent or looking to fill a void, which is never healthy.

A larger age gap can also impact relationships with friends and family who may disapprove of the relationship, as well as alienate the couple because they won’t have much in common with their partner’s older or younger friendship group.

And finally, any tips for navigating a new relationship with a significant age gap?

If you’re dating someone that’s significantly older or younger than you, you need to first evaluate what you want out of life in the next five to 10 years. If you’re wanting to stay in a relationship long-term you need to think of the future roadblocks that may come up, such as marriage, kids, travel, buying a home, or building your career.

These need to be similarly aligned with your partner – you may not want to have kids or get married which is also important to establish early on regardless of the age gap. You’ll both face scrutiny from someone along the line whether it’s a stranger or family member, so you both need to be ready for that and create a strong unified front that won’t [let people] tear you down.

For more on age gap relationships, try this.