What does it take to make an age-gap relationship work?

“The common hurdle that naturally comes with being in different life stages is that our roles evolve at a different pace to our partners.”

Age-gap relationships, whether justified or not, often court much more scepticism than relationships with a one-to-five-year age gap between partners. Some of this is valid. Age-gap relationships can face many challenges.

Whether it’s managing disparities in finances, differing expectations of relationships or just learning to deal with the potentially negative reactions from those closest to you, it’s not always smooth sailing. Of course, there’s no technical definition of what constitutes an age gap relationship, and what’s considered a gap to some will likely feel completely unremarkable to others.

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“The way that we perceive a 20-year-old dating a 40-year-old will be different and, more often, more negative than a 40-year-old dating a 60-year-old,” says Selina Nguyen, a relationship therapist at Sydney’s Good Vibes Clinic. “Some people draw the line at five years and others at 15; what we define as an age gap relationship is totally subjective to where we stand.”

For those who have been in an age-gap relationship or have considered entering into one, there’s one common factor that often rears its head: social stigma. And while we all attempt to saunter through life not worrying too much about others’ opinions of us, it can be hard to deal with.

Unsupportive reactions from loved ones or superfluous commentary can, understandably, have an impact on your relationship and how you present outwardly, something all age-gap relationships should be conscious of.

“There can be valid concerns about power imbalances and exploitation, and it’s important to hear them but to also learn to distinguish what is valid and what is other people projecting their own experiences onto your relationship,” explains Selina.

When confronted with this reaction from concerned family and friends, she says it’s useful in the first instance to view the feedback from a holistic perspective and consider why these people are giving you such a frank assessment.

“Assess where the information is coming from and depending on your relationship with that person – and if you have the capacity for it – have an open-minded conversation to share your perspectives,” she suggests. “It can be hard for anyone to hear the negatives of our relationships and things we might miss that other people can more clearly see but avoiding them doesn’t make them go away.”

Of course, the bedrock of any healthy relationship is communication, and having an open and frequent dialogue with your partner is key to a healthy bond. This is of utmost importance in an age-gap relationship and it will ensure you both feel secure and loved while together.

“Make sure you’re doing the internal work of unpacking the privileges you hold or might lack in the relationship, [like] when it comes to finances or gender roles,” says Selina. “By creating space for this self-awareness and these conversations, we also create the opportunity to turn towards our partners in difficult times rather than turning away; you should feel like you’re in a team as opposed to the ‘[I] versus them’ mentality.

If you’re in an age-gap relationship, you’ll also likely have encountered the variety of issues that can stem from being in different life stages, something Selina describes as a “common hurdle”.

“… Our roles evolve at a different pace to our partners, [like] attempting to blend families or one partner wanting to have a child and the other doesn’t. Also, when health concerns pop up for the older partner. Shifting from the role of partner to the role of step-parent or caretaker, or patient even, can be difficult to keep up with and to stay on the same page and stay connected.”

Again, honest and open communication is your best bet for navigating the sometimes rocky waters of age-gap relationships. And at the end of the day, there are countless examples of couples in age-gap relationships that couldn’t be happier.

For more on age-gap relationships, try this.