Can dating multiple people soothe my anxious attachment style? I asked a psychologist 

The more, the merrier.

As someone who has always been keenly attuned to their emotions, any theory that can help break down the chaos of my mind is of interest to me – call it a pursuit for inner peace. Unsurprisingly, I’m not alone in this chase. It seems, collectively, we are becoming more psychologically aware, trying to connect the dots between our past experiences, emotional patterns and present behaviours. 

In this sense, theories and concepts once reserved for psychologists and their peers have transitioned to become part of our everyday vernacular. Attachment theory is one of these hot topics, and ‘anxious attachment’ is one of the most common styles. For those of you new to the theory, it’s a framework that explores how our childhood or early experiences shape the way we form emotional bonds later in life. 

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Broadly speaking, an anxious attachment style typically manifests as a fear of abandonment with a tendency to seek constant reassurance and validation in relationships. Unsurprisingly, for those with this attachment style, the dating experience can often trigger core fears of rejection and inadequacy. And if you add in the modern propensity for ‘ghosting’, navigating romantic pursuits can feel like walking through a minefield. 

However, there are ways to alleviate said stress, one of which is to date multiple people. I know this sounds counter-intuitive and I’m aware it may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but for me, it’s been game-changing. For clarity, when I refer to ‘dating’ in this context, I mean good old-fashioned catchups and chats. Whether that be over coffee or drinks, you get the gist. Think of it as the vetting process before committing to a relationship. To help me unpack and understand the nuances behind this approach, I spoke with clinical psychologist Matthew Csabonyi. 

Attaching too fast

For those who are anxiously attached, Matt explains to me there can be an inclination to settle down or ‘attach’ too quickly. “[Anxious attachment] can really cause people to feel fearful about their ability to find a relationship so it can lead you to overcommit way too early to the wrong people. Often it means overlooking red flags in the person that you’re dating to the detriment of spending time trying to choose the right person.”

These anxious behaviours of committing too quickly can be partly attributed to an idea known as a scarcity mindset. This mindset follows the belief that a “particular resource, like love, is in short supply, so it makes you feel scared that you won’t find it and as though you’re in constant competition with everyone else,” Matt explains. 

Within dating, the scarcity mindset can fuel the mentality that there are limited options for a partner and creates a fear that “you’re never going to find anyone else, or you’re not good enough to find or to attract this really rare resource of a good partner,” Matt tells me. 

Challenging the scarcity mindset

The prospect of dating multiple people can actively challenge the anxieties that come with the scarcity mindset. By broadening your pool of potential partners, it can directly challenge the belief that opportunities for connection are scarce. Matt tells me that in this sense, it can help those who tend to commit too early. 

“By dating multiple people, it means that you can take time to get to know different individuals and then assess which one might be the best fit for you rather than rushing into a relationship with the first person who shows interest or matches your intensity.”

The biggest benefit I’ve found is it helps me to reduce my investment in the outcome of a single dating experience. If I don’t get a text back from someone, it’s not an issue in that I have multiple other potential suitors I can invest my time into. I don’t get the same panic or terror-filled thoughts of being ‘forever alone’ when I’ve got evidence to directly challenge this. 

Matt explains this as the idea that “if one of the people [you are dating] displays a red flag, then you detach or you pull away from that person and draw closer to the people who are hopefully displaying green flags”.

Although, it’s important to recognise that while this works well in theory there is the potential for it to backfire if you take the wrong approach. Being able to identify red flags and when to invest your time elsewhere is key. 

“To put it crudely, if you date multiple jerks, it won’t help you to decrease your belief that love and intimacy are scarce resources and will increase that anxiety,” Matt says. In this sense, the golden rule of quality over quantity reigns supreme.

Is it for everyone?

While this approach works for me, it’s not necessarily a universal practice. Matt tells me dating is a very personal experience and it’s important to approach it with a good level of self-awareness.

“For some [dating multiple people] is going to help their anxiety and for others, it’s going to drive it more. So, we really need to be aware of what our boundaries are as individuals and what we can personally cope with and get the most value,” he says. Your main focus should be on “dating the right people and learning to reject the wrong people,” Matt says.

How to navigate dating multiple people

If you decide to take the plunge and start dating multiple people, Matt suggests a few factors to consider in your approach. “In any dating situation, it’s important to prioritise honesty, respect and consent. If you’re dating multiple people without being upfront and honest about what your intentions are, or without considering the feelings of other people, then it can actually perpetuate some of these negative relationship patterns.”

Reframing my approach and dating multiple people at once has allowed me to soothe the feelings of anxiety that have previously plagued my romantic life. I’ve directly challenged my fears of scarcity by giving myself multiple options. I no longer waste my time on ‘that guy I went on that date with one time’ and unmatching or blocking the ‘red flags’ has become second nature. If any of this resonates with you, diversifying and expanding your dating pool might be just what you need.

For more on how an anxious attachment style impacts your dating life, try this.