What is lazy sex or warm sex? A sexologist explains

Low-intensity pleasure.

Sydney-based somatic sexologist and sex and intimacy coach Alice Child is the founder of Vulva Dialogues. She works with individuals, couples and groups, helping people achieve happier, healthier and more fulfilled sex lives – whatever that means for them. Visit her website for more.

‘Hot sex’ in society today is often thought about in a very one-dimensional light – it usually involves intense, passionate, fast and energetic penis-in-vagina penetration. Not only is this not representative of all bodies and sexualities but it gives a very limited (and boring) picture of what sex is, even for heterosexual relationships.

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It can also be really harmful to relationships, as it’s not what great sex looks or feels like for many people. It’s also not realistic for every Tuesday night! Sometimes, you just want lazy sex.

What is warm sex or lazy sex?

Sex Therapist Dr Jack Morin coined the term ‘warm sex’ in his book, The Erotic Mind. He says “Warm sex revolves around calmer experiences of sensuality, affection, pleasure and playful fun”.

Although warm sex can be extremely pleasurable, connective, intimate and enjoyable, the key difference is that orgasm and high states of arousal are not its main goals – instead, the focus is on connection, sensuality and pleasure.

What is the benefit of warm sex?

There are lots of other reasons why we might want lower-energy sex or more accessible sex positions. For example, it’s essential for long-term relationships and periods of lower libido. Dr Jack Morin emphasises the importance of “warm sex” in long-term relationships.

He says although it sounds contradictory, “To preserve opportunities for lusty, passionate sex, most successful long-term couples need to develop the ability to enjoy warm sex”. This is especially true during periods when desire is relatively low (eg. after childbirth) because “warm sex allows couples to maintain a physical bond and helps them to continue perceiving each other in a sexual light”.

Dr Jack Morin goes on to say he has never seen a couple who has been able to rebuild a sexual connection after not thinking of each other in an erotic way for five or more years… so warm sex is vital for keeping that flame alive. Other reasons include:

• Tiredness – sometimes, we’re just not in the mood for high-energy and exotic sex positions!
• Disability – lots of sex positions are a privilege of the able-bodied. Sex and pleasure should be available for everyone.
• Pain – certain positions feel painful or uncomfortable for certain bodies.
• Ageing – as our body changes over time, certain positions may no longer be achievable or feel as pleasurable.
• Performance anxiety and erectile difficulties – the expectation that sex should look like porn (think high-energy, penetrative positions) can often increase people’s performance anxiety. This can make getting or maintaining an erection really challenging. Removing the pressure of high-energy sex can really help.
• Trauma – slower, gentler sex can be great for people with a history of trauma who need to rebuild safety, trust and control.
• Feel more pleasure – warm sex or lazy sex is often slower, gentler and more intimate. This can lead to deep feelings of connection, and allow you to really surrender and feel more subtle sensations.
• Variation – variety is the spice of life and by changing up our sexual scripts we add more curiosity and fun to our sex lives.

What are some warm sex ideas that don’t involve penetration?

Sexual connection and intimacy look very different for everybody, and some of the most extraordinary, pleasurable, intimate and connective sex can involve absolutely no penetration at all. If you don’t believe me, some ideas are:

• Tantric and erotic massages
• Slow oral sex or 69
• Sensation play (check out my article here)
• Sensual Bondage or shibari rope sessions
• Role play/dirty talk
• Sensual masturbation in front of each other
• Sexting or sharing nudes (check out my advice here)
• A naughty handjob somewhere unexpected
• Using a sex toy on each other
• Sensual fingering (did you see my article here last month?)

What are some great lazy sex position ideas involving penetration?

Spooning

Spooning is a personal favourite! Lie with one person as the big spoon and one person as the little spoon. Allow the big spoon’s hands to explore the body of the little spoon, kissing and caressing their neck and back. If the big spoon has a penis, this is great for penetration that is less deep than in other positions but still very pleasurable and can give great G-spot action. It works for both vaginal and anal penetration.

You can both add a gentle rock or grind to this position to still build friction and pleasure without breaking a sweat! It’s essentially doggy without the effort/backbends. The hands of the big spoon can also wrap around to give extra stimulation to the little spoon’s nipples, clitoris, penis and/or body!

Lazy 69 (lying on your side)

A variation of the popular position where one person is on top (how exhausting), you can both be lying on your side facing each other with one person’s feet at the top of the bed and one person’s feet at the bottom of the bed. Shuffle towards each other until you are both facing each other’s genitals and explore each other with your hands and mouths. Very sexy, very lazy.

Flat missionary

This is a lazy adaptation of the classic missionary (one person lying down on their back, the other person kneeling between their legs and penetrating them). The person on top also lies down, so that you have even more skin-on-skin contact. An added benefit is being able to kiss, have connective eye contact and also be able to grind up against each other’s bodies for extra external clitoris stimulation for those with vulvas. Very intimate, pleasurable and low energy!

On your front

This is a great lazy position for the person lying down if one person is feeling low energy and the other has a bit more to give. Lie down on your belly and simply enjoy the feeling of surrender. If you enjoy vibration on your genitals, you can place a vibrator underneath you and rock/grind against it.

The second person straddles you and can rub your back/bum/ legs/anus/genitals in a lovely massage. Penetration (anally and vaginally) also feels amazing in this position when you feel ready, but you may need to put a cushion under your hips to help with accessibility. The person on top can also lie down on top of you to increase skin-to-skin contact and intimacy.

Head in lap

Give oral sex the lazy way by snuggling up in your partner’s lap and resting your head on their thigh. From this position, you have great access to explore their genitals with your mouth and hands, and it works for all genitals. It can be done with both of you lying down in bed, or with them sitting up on the sofa (for example) and you lying across their lap.

Mutual masturbation

Watching your partner masturbate can be so sexy, plus you learn so much about how they like to be touched. Mutual masturbation is such a great lazy sex option if you want physical intimacy but don’t have the energy to get each other off physically. Let’s face it, it can be much easier to get yourself off!

This can also be done with just one person self-touching and the other person simply watching if they’re not in the mood for self-pleasure. The watcher can still be very intimate and connected to the experience. For example, lie on their chest, stroke their body and whisper in their ear how sexy they look.

Yab yum

Yab yum is an amazing tantric pose where one person sits upright with their legs out in front of them, and the other person sits on their lap facing them with their legs on top of their legs (see an example here). This can be penetrative, or it can just be really intense and connective.

You can adapt it with things like eye gazing, synchronised breathing, placing your hands on each other’s hearts, placing your foreheads together, rubbing each other’s bodies or rocking/swaying together. The important thing is presence, connection, and feeling in tune with each other’s bodies. Slowness is encouraged!

For more lazy sex positions, head here.