“As we grew up, we grew apart”: 6 people share their failed engagement stories

“I didn’t know who I was when we got engaged. If you don’t know who you are, how can you know what you want in a relationship or husband?”

Marriage. For some, it’s the pinnacle of true love and commitment; the undisputed end goal of a healthy relationship. Others question why the tradition is still upheld. While long-term commitment is in its evolutionary era, with more couples opting for non-traditional weddings and engagement rings, research indicates marriage is still the desired outcome for most Australians.

But of course, not all couples make it down the aisle. For obvious reasons, affirmative stats on failed engagements are harder to find. But Google tells me somewhere between 13 and 20 per cent of engaged couples don’t keep the ring on it. Like the people who endure them, every break-up is unique and inherently complex. I asked six women who’ve experienced it firsthand to share why their engagements didn’t work out. 

Interested to hear how others navigate the world? Head to our Life section.

Rachel* and her ex-fiancée were together for just over four years. For the first three months, it was ‘a dream’, but doubts started to arise soon after. “The relationship was very volatile; we were always up and down. There were many good times, like on holidays, but the trust had been broken due to issues with alcohol at the very beginning.

“He didn’t really have his life together for someone older than me. I wanted someone more financially stable, who had their own place already and who was a bit more responsible with life choices. Alcohol was the big contender in the demise of our relationship,” she tells me.

But as with many breakups, it wasn’t as simple as cutting him out completely. “Because of living overseas, his family became my family and I still keep in touch with them. I formed a really close bond and connection with his mother and father and my love for them is quite strong. They supported me through a lot and I, for them.”

At 42, Sara* learnt her husband-to-be would not stand by her in sickness and health. “We met when I was 35 and we were engaged when I was 38. But then I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS). He was working away a lot [overseas] at the time and started acting differently.”

Sara had suspicions her fiancée was having an affair with his boss, which were soon confirmed. “We went to counselling for a session each, and that’s when he told me that me having MS would affect his dreams in life. He moved out and straight into her house. He came back to me a few times over the next eight months after having major fights with her. I finally said don’t contact me again,” she shares.

For Tyra*, a failed engagement was lifesaving. After getting engaged just weeks after meeting her partner when she was 23, she learnt her fiancée and his family were dismissive of her desire not to have children. “They rang me up and harassed me about the decision and how it impacted my fiancée as he would be a great father,” she says.

After having an abortion for an unplanned pregnancy, Tyra’s mental health suffered. “He decided having a depressed fiancée wasn’t fun, so he went out and had an affair. [There were] so many lessons learned. Boundaries are huge, [as is] money management. When we split he tried to take all the money in our ‘joint’ wedding account which I wasn’t actually able to access. I’m so glad I didn’t marry into a family that worshipped their son over my choices. Always trust your gut if it tells you something is wrong.” 

For Amy*, it was simply a case of growing apart instead of together. “We were together for five and a half years, engaged for three. I was 25 when we broke up. I think of him as my 2013 soulmate because, for that period of my life, he was. The relationship was always very much on his terms though. Not in a controlling way but in a way that I was too young to know what I wanted or who I was so went along for his ride. I’d grown up in a very traditional family dynamic so, to be honest, it felt quite normal.”

So what broke it down? “I didn’t know who I was when we got engaged. If you don’t know who you are, how can you know what you want in a relationship or husband? I’d never even asked myself the question of if I wanted it at all. I started to learn who I was and so did he. As we grew up, we grew apart. We also didn’t start to communicate until it was too late. Ultimately we wanted different things, but if we had been more open during our relationship it would have been much less shocking and painful in the end.”

Though it was somewhat gradual, Amy* says the end of her engagement felt surprising. “I grew up with the sayings ‘love is a choice’ and ‘people give up too easy’ so although I knew things weren’t great, it never crossed my mind that they would end.

“Looking back now I realise the signs were definitely there. He proposed and I didn’t cry, I didn’t call anyone [and] I wasn’t overwhelmed with love. My first thought was ‘Oh, that makes sense, we’ve been together a while and we’re moving country together’. I realise now that’s probably not the reaction you’re meant to have when someone proposes!

“The end was hard because there was still a lot of love, history and friendship but we weren’t actually in love anymore. Breakups are complicated and it dragged on longer than it should but we had a lot of respect for each other, which made things easier. I feel like a lot of the time people struggle to differentiate grief when it comes to breakups. More often than not I think it’s the lost years or fantasy life that we grieve the loss of more than the person.”

Now 34 and in a new relationship, when Amy* looks back on the experience she feels lucky. “I feel very grateful for him and our relationship but more than anything I feel grateful for the breakup because it taught me a lot about who I am and what kind of person and partner I want to be. My experience taught me that even if a relationship doesn’t end in marriage, a (healthy) relationship is never something to regret because in addition to the memories, the growth that comes from falling in (and out) of love will shape you and make you fall more in love with yourself.”

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.

For advice on navigating a breakup, head here.