Who keeps the friend group after a break up? FJ readers weigh in

“I think it’s annoying when people make you ‘pick a side.’”

Breakups can take a hard enough toll emotionally before you even think about getting into the logistics. Who’s meant to move out? Who gets to keep the painting you went halves on? Do you split custody of the cat? And, the hardest question of all, who gets to keep which friends?

When you’ve been with someone for a long time, it’s only natural that at least some of your friendships will merge. Whether that’s over nights out, birthday dinners and weekends away, it can be a beautiful thing to see the people you love develop their own relationships with each other – until it isn’t.

Interested to hear how others navigate the world? Head to our Life section.

Some former couples can get over this and endure being in the same room or at a shared dinner table even though they’re no longer together. But in most cases, the point of breaking up is to spend less time around each other. Below, Fashion Journal readers pay homage to the friends they’ve lost as a byproduct of a breakup.

Siobhan*, 32, she/her

Most of the time I will gradually fall out of touch with my friend’s exes, even if they became close in our friend group and I really got along with them. There was one time I lost a male friend who I knew for a lot longer than his girlfriend, because I got on with her so well. I guess that’s not loyal to my friend but in my defence, he was a pretty terrible boyfriend to her. Even though we both cared about him after the break-up, he really needed to sort his shit out. I’m still great friends with his ex and I don’t really speak to him anymore.

I’ve never been pressured and I think it’s annoying when people make you “pick a side”. It feels like high school. But I guess when you’re an adult and there’s divorce and kids involved, that might happen. Or if someone has cheated, that might mean you have to take someone’s side.

Kelly*, 28, she/her

When my best friend broke up with her boyfriend, I naturally and without question took her side. I’d known her forever and seeing her so upset over how everything turned out broke my heart. But it’s weird seeing how close you can become with your friend’s partner. You spend so much time together as a group and then just suddenly lose contact with them forever. At the risk of sounding selfish, it felt jarring. He was such a nice person, and they broke up amicably but it did feel like a loss.

I haven’t lost friends through my own breakup, but I am scared that if my boyfriend ever left me, they’d be forced to choose his side because they’ve known him longer.

Jesse*, 34, he/him

I separate my friends from my ex’s friends, so technically I didn’t lose them once we separated because I’d never seen them as my friends in the first place. I always end up putting in effort and being friends with theirs, but I make sure I’m still prioritising my own.

Tom*, 27, he/him

I was good friends with one of my mate’s now ex-girlfriends. When they broke up, it felt a bit awkward to maintain both friendships without crossing boundaries.

She distanced herself from the wider friendship group, and I felt like there was almost this underlying pressure to adopt a ‘bro-code’ loyalty, which meant I had to choose sides without explicitly choosing sides. A couple of years later, I’ve pretty much completely lost touch with her, which is such a shame.

Gabby*, 24, she/her

My boyfriend and I were together for a little over two years. During that time, I’d put so much effort into his friends and friendship group, way more than he did for mine. Everyone was coupled up, and we’d gone on weekend trips and festivals all together.

When he broke up with me, everyone basically froze me out and I stopped getting invited to group things. It was like this default and they all picked his side straight away. I tried to reach out to the girls because I thought we really got along and they were sympathetic at first, but eventually they stopped replying to my messages and were always too busy to do anything.

It was lucky I still had my own friends, so I wasn’t completely isolated, but I genuinely felt like I’d developed my own relationships with those people, separate from him. Obviously not.

Sage*, she/her, 51

My partner and I broke up after 10 years. Two weeks later, my mum passed away, and then a friend of mine hooked up with my ex-partner. A lot of our friends wouldn’t support how angry I was and thought I should just accept it. Safe to say, we didn’t remain friends. I think friendships and breakups can be tough, as both parties are hurting. But I think there are still lines you should not cross.

*Names have been changed for privacy.

For more on being friends with an ex, try this.