FJ readers on the moment they knew their relationship was over

“Even when it hurts, it’s better for everyone.”

No two breakups are ever the same. And it makes sense, given each relationship is filled with its own unique DNA. For some people, breakups can come hard and fast, and completely out of the blue. For others, it can be a slow burn, building up over time until it becomes almost inevitable.

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It might be caused by a single defining event or a difference in future plans. Or, it might come after a period of denial, when it takes a little longer to accept that something is over. Either way, it’s safe to say that breakups can be deeply formative experiences, forcing you to reckon with what’s in front of you.

Natalie*, 25, she/her

He came on a family holiday with me and I didn’t like how awkward he was with them. I really couldn’t shake the feeling of wanting to break up from that point on. Despite that, I waited a while, thinking the feeling might go away. It didn’t.

One day I woke up and told my mum I was over it. She said she could tell. I broke up with him that night, in person, of course.

Charlie*, 28, he/they

It was pretty clear. We had just come back from a holiday, but before then it had been pretty discouraging anyway. We’d had multiple moments of cheating, followed by just not being intimate for at least a year, settling into an almost ‘domestic ambiguity,’ so when we came back from the holiday I decided enough is enough.

I wanted to consider his feelings, so I didn’t do it right away. We lived together but didn’t see much of each other at that point. I decided the best approach was in person. With an overuse of digital spaces when it comes to breakups these days, it’s better to be more personal.

It’s never easy, but it’s always necessary. Even when it hurts, it’s better for everyone.

Susanna*, 26, she/her

We were fighting every second day and had to fake a happy family for his work Christmas party, so it was a rough and stressful period. I felt like I was being smothered because he wanted to control who I was friends with and I hated that. I felt like a bad friend to the people I’d stopped talking to because of it. He eventually apologised for it but I think it was too late and I was already emotionally checked out.

It happened after a long retail shift on Boxing Day and he wanted to hang out to talk about our issues but I was exhausted. I don’t remember exactly what I told him but I just didn’t feel like hanging out with him at that time. I didn’t really plan to break it off with him but it just happened.

Kye*, 30, she/her

I’m always ruminating and thinking about a breakup. But when it comes to doing it, I wait too long, years even. I remember flying away for three months but seven days after getting back, I just texted my boyfriend at the time and told him I didn’t want to be with him anymore.

Since then, I’ve been in two more relationships and I always find myself thinking: when is it going to happen, when am I going to break up again?

Anj*, 26, she/her

It was an accumulation of things, but the final straw was when he came back from his vacation. As soon as I picked him up from the airport, he started talking about one of the girls he admired who he went on the trip with. For context we were seven months in, though we’d both been on trips so we hadn’t seen each other that much and hadn’t said I love you.

I drove him back to his house, and we sat on the couch with his whole family watching New Girl, and it was the episode where Schmidt confesses to Cece that he loves her. I sat there on the couch feeling so unloved, so I told him I was going home and then cried in my car. The next day I asked to meet up with him and broke things off. I told him I don’t think it was working anymore and that it shouldn’t be this hard.

I brought up how hurt I felt that him and this other girl were doing low key romantic things together, with and without the other couple on the trip. They were stargazing, doing sunrise hikes and getting drunk together just the two of them, to the point where she had to carry him back. He ended up agreeing that it shouldn’t be hard and we haven’t seen each other since!

Maggie*, 28, she/her

There wasn’t a particular moment but rather an accumulation of repeated behaviours. I made the call a couple of months after realising that it wasn’t meant to be.

When there’s love and connection it’s often hard to break up initially. In my experience I’ve had discussions with ex partners, allowed time for change and tried to make it work. But in your gut you know when it’s not right, and you’ll keep trying until you can’t keep being let down and disappointed.

No relationship is the same. Having open communication about how you want to be loved and show love should be discussed. Hopefully these align but shouldn’t be a deterrent if they don’t. Don’t force something because you’d rather be with someone than be alone. There’s billions of people on the planet, someone will be right for you.

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