I went to a live dating show in Melbourne to get out of the dating dumps

An attempt to vicariously dip my toe back in the dating pool.

On a Tuesday night in October, a week before Halloween, I found myself on a tram to Brunswick to attend Human Love Quest, an IRL dating show. If you haven’t been to Human Love Quest, or have no idea how it works, essentially the premise is blind speed dating but on stage in front of a packed-out crowd. A super chill and organic environment for a natural spark to occur, right? 

I was in the luteal phase of my cycle; grumpy, sad, sore boobs. The last thing I felt like doing was mingling at a singles event. But I told my friend I’d meet her there and neither of us had pulled out yet.

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Around 7pm I begrudgingly entered the Brunswick Ballroom to the tune of ‘Dance Magic’ by David Bowie. ‘Okay, maybe things wouldn’t be so bad,’ I thought. The crowd was lively and cute, and it being my first time at this iconic establishment, I was immediately impressed by the beauty and weirdness of the building (I later found out the Ballroom is allegedly haunted, which makes so much sense now). 

Still feeling a little shy, my friend and I took a post at the back of the room, sipping our Proseccos at a dimly-lit table. I had told myself I was here strictly for story-writing purposes and now, sitting in the dusty corner I felt like a caricature of a journalist sleuth, only missing the sand-coloured trench coat and fedora. 

For context, I have been on a dating hiatus for almost the entire year. I can’t say I haven’t been on any dates but the very few I have ventured on have been so underwhelming and outright bad I’m trying not to acknowledge them in my romantic repertoire. This evening was an attempt to vicariously dip my toe back in the dating pool.

From my observation point, I watched the crowd getting busier by the minute, an electric buzz growing in the air. It was a Halloween special so a few spooky things were going on. A few people were dressed up, with honourable mentions including a casual Princess Di, a fully committed Dorothy the Dinosaur and my personal fave, a leopard print-clad Shania Twain.

Everyone moved around the room checking each other out, perhaps performing a little more than usual, considering the arena. I began to feel a lot more comfortable when I realised that actually, everyone was feeling a little nervous. 

The bar staff were dressed in Men in Black-esque outfits, dark glasses and red lipstick, serving sass. We took our seats, settling in for the actual show to begin. On the right side of the stage, a red velvet heart-shaped throne, covered in cobwebs, was reserved for the star bachelor or bachelorette. Partitioned off to the left were three stools for three hopeful romantics, all competing for the heart and attention of the red velvet Fabio/Fabiola. 

There were two hosts, Xander and Conor. One was wearing a completely obscure ’80s wrestler costume that no one understood (I thought he was referencing Napoleon Dynamite seeing as his co-host was dressed as Randy, Napoleon’s karate-kicking older brother). With a strictly outlined ‘no dickhead policy’, what sets the Human Love Quest experience apart from other dating shows is the commitment to making everyone feel safe and welcome. The hosts, who were actually quite funny, were also great at ensuring every participant was enjoying the event in a fun, respectful environment. 

In the first round, we were introduced to our star bachelor, Greg, a trampoline coach from Scotland. Three stunning, smart and interesting women were welcomed onto the stage, readying themselves to win the attention of our bouncing Braveheart. Naturally, there were some awkward moments, one where Greg asked an ill-timed question about One Direction. Too soon.

The second-round star (sorry I have forgotten your name) provided some inspiring first date questions about preferred TimTam flavour (he found his Jatz match), haunting exes, and songs to sum up your dating life (‘Toxic’ being a strong contender for best answer). If you think you have what it takes to brave the stage, you can sign up here to be a contestant.

Between rounds, there were opportunities for the audience to write love letters, either to contestants on stage or others in the crowd. The hosts read these out loud. People confessed having the hots for complete strangers, providing their numbers or Instagram handles. Some letters were very directed (“To the boy in the green hat and blue pants at the back left table” or “To contestant number three…“). Others kept it vague to cast a large net (“To the lady who I would like to get coffee with…”). It also seems important to mention there was a halftime performance featuring three witches and an actual snake. Spooky things going on!

Human Love Quest is the perfect antidote to the endless scrolling, disappointing small talk and the inevitable ghosting that comes with dating apps. If like me, you’ve been put off dating, this is a good way to dip your toes back into those unpredictable waters. You’ll get to experience actual human interaction, in real-time, with real people.

And if you don’t meet someone, I promise you’re guaranteed a good laugh, which can’t always be said for a blind date. 

Get your tickets to the next Human Love Quest on November 26, here.