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8 life lessons I learnt while watching the Victoria’s Secret show

NB: Not your stock standard life coach material.

I’ve never been one to fuss over the annual VS Fashion Show. Admittedly, I’ve always thought the Angels looked like victims of a butterfly enclosure attack. While my friends gathered around the TV in anticipation of Adriana Lima’s abs, I was content hanging at home in my humble boyleg Bonds. 

But this year, I thought it was time to give the leading ladies of lingerie a chance. Maybe I would learn a thing or two about mastering the art of Instagram or achieving a boob/bum balance only worthy of a distorted Barbie. 

So last week, cradling an ironic bowl of ice cream, I settled in to watch the star-studded screening. And to my surprise, I made it to the other side feeling OK… if not better about myself. 

They mightn’t be stock standard life coach material, but to my surprise, it’s actually possible to learn a thing or two from these freakishly blessed humans.

1. Breakdowns, victory dances and pre-performance prayers are acceptable (if not encouraged) 

Never again will I refrain from showing emotion in the public eye. Teary breakdowns and celebratory fist pumps have never looked so good. Gigi Hadid collapsed after being asked to become an Angel and Lily Aldridge thanked the Gods for bequeathing her bust with a fantasy bra. Safe to say, next time I score a good grade or collect a rare accolade, I’ll be treating myself to a triumphant wiggle. Our achievements aren’t exactly interchangeable, but the Angels are right: celebrating is tight. 

2. Everyone has embarrassing parents

Move over Mum and Dad. Kris and Caitlyn might have taken your Proud Parent of the Year Award away. Here I was, thinking my folks were the only photograph-snapping, nickname-shouting, tear-shedding people in the crowd. I never thought I’d compare my parents to the Jenners, but this might actually be a time their traits correlate. Mums and Dads are meant to mortify. Fortunately, my mother’s own fuss isn’t to boost reality show ratings or her social media standing. But hey, if it’s out of love, I’m beginning to learn it’s OK. 

3. Stay true to your talents

I’m still trying to figure out why the Victoria’s Secret musical guests try to compete with the Angels. You are there to sing and dance, not rock around in bras and underpants. Sure, Taylor Swift’s limbs were an apt addition last year, but Selena didn’t have to try and dress like the rest of her girl gang too. Ellie Goulding felt comfortable leaving something to the imagination and her performance wiped Gomez clean off the stage. Stick to your strengths, sisters. Things come unstuck when you try to be something you’re not. 

4. Angels sweat too

I’m not exactly glamorous when I perspire. And apparently, despite their seemingly airbrushed complexions, the Angels aren’t either. “I’m a sweaty mess,” said one model, talking into the camera about her (twice) daily workout regime. “Just go for it, sweat, be disgusting,” preached another, “it’s like training for the Olympics.” Rude exaggerations aside, it’s nice to know that those sent from heaven crack a sweat and smell, as well. Next time I return from a run red faced, I’ll be reminding myself it’s cool to embrace a sweat bead or two. 

5. Taking selfies is a serious art and it’s something I’ll never master

Need a lesson in selfie-taking 101? The Angels are your go-to girls. Under the guidance of 20-year-old Kendall (41.7 million followers, anyone?) this gaggle of lip-pouting, lash-batting ladies will coach you to the perfect capture. Trick of the trade #1? It’s all about the lighting. But don’t stop there. Exposure, framing, contrast, brightness and the app you use to edit come into play, too. That said, I think I’ll leave the shameless selfie to the pros. I’m happy to admit social media defeat and continue to ’gram my gal pals instead.

6. There’s nothing wrong with a friendly booty tap between besties

Selena may have been accused of lip-syncing, but surely tapping Gigi on the bum doesn’t need to be scrutinised. If the lads are able to administer a friendly slap on the sporting field, then surely the ladies are too. Come on guys, this was nothing other than a supportive pat between pals, incomparable to Britney and Madonna’s VMAs kiss (are people serious?). Give the girls a booty-tapping break. 

7. Gravity will always prevail 

Ladies, don’t let these precarious push-ups fool you. Not even the fantasy bra can fixate them forever. And if you’re wondering why the Angels look a little top heavy, it’s probably not because they eat a lot of chicken. If you’ve ever visited a VS shop, you’ll notice the push up is produced in over 20 different variations, meaning there’s a solution to every sag. Sure, invest in one if you feel the need, but just remember what goes up, must come down. Even if you’re from Angel town. 

8. Walking past your sister’s boyfriend in lingerie is okay. It’s just like being at the beach

OK Gigi, this one I’m not so sure about. But next time I get stuck in a sticky situation mid bathroom dash, I’ll remember your wise words. 

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