“Unfulfilling and shallow”: Seven Australian men share how they feel about dating

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You don’t have to be dating yourself to know that the general vibe out there is bleak. The other night over dinner, I asked a close friend who’s been dating for the past two years how much it occupies her mind. “To quote Charli xcx, ‘I think about it all the time, like I’m running out of time.'”

Over the past year, whether in conversations with friends, on TikTok or on Substack, I kept hearing dating horror stories, mostly from women. The sentiment was one of confusion, disappointment, and, particularly for those approaching or well into their thirties, a growing sense of anxiety to find a long-term partner.

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At the same time, my social media feeds became flooded with increasingly divided takes. I watched young women debate princess treatment and talk about gendered dating rules like it’s 1955, while conversations about men focused on looksmaxxing, the manosphere and other toxic corners of the internet.

But that didn’t reflect what I was seeing among my own peers. While there’s been growing discourse about ‘decentring men‘, I’ve understood it less as another battle in the gender wars and more as an attempt to alleviate some of the pressure dating places on everyone.

With all this going on, I was curious how men themselves are experiencing dating right now. I surveyed seven Australian men aged between 23 and 35, who had been single anywhere from six months to, as one respondent put it, “forever”. Turns out people can really open up on an anonymous Google Form.

The mood

When asked to summarise what dating feels like in a sentence, the answers ranged from “very unfulfilling” to “fun but at times tiresome.” Interestingly, most respondents said dating wasn’t something that consumed their thoughts. The sentiment was: I want to find a partner but I’m not anxious about it.

Several described dating as something that “can feel like work sometimes”, but most said they tried not to take it too seriously, instead seeing it as a chance to meet new people.

Five of the seven men surveyed said they primarily meet people through dating apps, while two said they prefer approaching women in person. As one respondent put it: “Dating has never been easier, but I think it’s made more confusing by social media and dating apps. It can be hard because it seems like no one wants to be dating.”

Post-date communication

From conversations with friends, I’ve come to think the most confusing part of dating isn’t the date itself but what happens afterwards. So I asked the men a simple question: if you had a great first date, how would you follow up?

All seven said they would reach out to make plans to see the person again, but there wasn’t much consensus on timing. Some preferred messaging straight after the date, while others liked to leave a little space.

“I’d probably allow enough time to pass to actually have something to talk about,” one respondent wrote. Another said they’d aim to organise another date “within a week or so of the first date, schedules permitting.”

Of course, not every date ends with sparks. When I asked how they’d let someone know they weren’t interested, most said they’d send a polite but direct message explaining they didn’t feel a romantic connection. “Honesty is generally well received,” one respondent wrote.

Others said they’d tell the person they enjoyed meeting them but felt the connection was more platonic. Three respondents said there were situations where they would ghost instead, particularly if there were red flags or if they felt the lack of interest was mutual.

Taking the leap

If the goal of dating is eventually to stop dating, then at some point someone has to put their feelings on the line. Many of the women I’ve spoken to have admitted they’d rather wait for the other person to make the first move, even if they’re interested.

Every respondent said they felt either “comfortable” or “very comfortable” expressing their feelings if they liked someone. Most said they’d happily be the first to say something after a few dates, provided they sensed that she felt the same.

Some, however, acknowledged that the early stages of dating can be difficult to navigate if neither person has clearly communicated what they’re looking for. “I’ve found being clear about where I’m at straight off the bat to be really important in my return to dating,” one respondent shared. Others said they sometimes held back because they didn’t want to make the other person feel pressured.

Final thoughts

The sentiment among men actually feels pretty similar to how my single girlfriends find dating. All expressed a nervousness and uncertainty, a desire for honest communication, but also a balancing act between being vulnerable and protecting your feelings.

As one respondent put it: “Going slow instead of YOLOing into something creates a healthier environment, and a good way to keep grounded with oneself while building a connection.” Another shared that they’re “currently four months into seeing easily the best girl I’ve ever dated as a result of persistent DMs.” Patience is key.

Seven responses can’t tell us how all Australian men think about dating, but they do offer a small glimpse into how some men are navigating it. If there’s one takeaway, it’s that modern dating culture leaves plenty of people feeling uncertain, regardless of gender.

And if you’re worried you’re being ghosted, perhaps sending them a multi-choice Google Form isn’t the worst idea.

For more on modern dating culture, try this.