Is people pleasing a form of manipulation?

“When people are really caught up in people-pleasing behaviours, they are essentially not showing up authentically.”

People pleasing is a form of behaviour most of us have likely struggled with to some extent, or dealt with in our interpersonal relationships. From a people pleaser’s perspective, people pleasing feels like perpetually shrinking yourself to ensure you never take up too much space. You neglect your own needs and become hyper-aware of the needs of others; you cater to everyone before yourself. 

I never used to consider myself a people pleaser. I thought I asserted myself quite well, all because I had no trouble defending myself to men on the street or returning wrong orders at restaurants. I still struggled with procrastination, though, because the desire for things to be perfect paralysed me from taking any action. 

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My romantic relationships were usually strung out until the other person left because the thought of breaking someone’s heart riddled me with guilt. In friendships, I was loyal to a fault and never turned down anyone’s apology regardless of their shitty behaviour. 

In hindsight, not being truthful to people about how I felt is in some ways just as shitty as the actions I was tolerating. I preferred to be comfortable and ignorant instead of uncomfortable and honest. This also tied into how I operated in social situations – I couldn’t function from a place of genuineness because I was too worried about how I was going to be perceived. 

A recent video I saw on TikTok talked about how people-pleasing was a form of manipulation. By misrepresenting themselves, the people pleaser essentially manipulates situations to control how others judge them. This sparked my curiosity on the matter, so I reached out to Liam Casey, a clinical psychologist, to gain a deeper understanding of people-pleasing behaviours. 

Where does people pleasing stem from? What makes someone a people pleaser?

Any kind of human behaviour. [People pleasing] can come from a range of experiences. But, it’s normally something that develops early in childhood, and falling into one of two camps – either an experience of abuse or neglect, where keeping other people happy and trying to meet their needs is a way of self-protection and staying safe in a dangerous environment.

And the [second] camp is more about meeting the high expectations of parents, and perhaps learning that when you perform well… act kindly or are very available to other people… you get a lot of praise and reinforcement from your parents. So, either way, this is a skill that helps children navigate the world… they’re growing up in and gets perpetuated throughout their life and into adulthood. 

What’s the link between people-pleasing and perfectionism? 

The link between perfectionism and people-pleasing often centres around wanting things to be just right, and being intolerant of [anything] being imperfect. So, that might be assignments, workplace projects, the house or human relationships. A big part of that for perfectionism and people-pleasing is an intolerance of discomfort – having real difficulty letting things be imperfect, knowing that people might be… disappointed by what’s going on. 

So, we see people working harder and harder to avoid… those uncomfortable feelings that come up. When it feels like they haven’t met the standards they set themselves in relationships or other parts of their life… they end up being exhausted, resentful and burnt out.  

Can people pleasing be considered a form of manipulation? 

I’d say describing it as toxic or manipulative would be… a stretch. What I would say… is that when people are really caught up in people-pleasing behaviours, they are essentially not showing up authentically in their relationships. Not only does that lead to frustration or resentment for them, but [people pleasing] robs their colleagues, their families, their friends, their partner of the opportunity to… know them authentically and respond to them. 

It makes the relationship uneven, which can also be a detriment for the other person. It can be used… [to avoid] conflict, and that can be a detriment to this other person, who might want to [show] up for their friend or their colleague and be really willing to… change their behaviour and meet the people-pleasing person… equally. But they don’t get the opportunity to do that when they aren’t given the feedback or the opportunity to be more flexible. 

What attachment style do people pleasers most relate to? 

The existing body of research… shows that people-pleasing is more frequently associated with an anxious attachment style. People with anxious attachment styles tend to experience distress and fear abandonment when they perceive a rupture in their close relationships… People-pleasing behaviours can be a way… to avoid… conflict or soothe their own discomfort. 

The problem is, this often keeps their fear going, as they aren’t communicating their true needs, and will keep feeling abandoned when those needs fail to be met. One other thing I wanted to highlight is that people-pleasing can actually be a helpful skill. It helps people navigate threatening situations and create supportive relationships. The problem arises when these behaviours are extreme and rigid, and we’re no longer able to use them flexibly. This is when it’s important to develop other skills to face up to relational challenges.

How might people-pleasing behaviours affect someone’s career or work relationships? 

A big one is… difficulty saying no. So, saying yes to inconvenient meeting times, additional projects or clients, and doing things that essentially stretch the person’s capacity. That can lead to exhaustion… and it starts to eat into other parts of their life. It can also lead, in more extreme cases, to not standing up for oneself and accepting [toxic] treatment. Whether that’s being overworked, or being bullied in some way. 

How can someone work to overcome their people-pleasing tendencies? 

Outside of therapy… there are so many great books and resources out there at the moment… so read into other people’s experiences or advice from therapists. Often we’re holding onto these rules and we’ve internalised them, and it can be really helpful… reading or hearing what someone else says on a podcast and thinking, ‘Oh yeah, that applies to me too. I haven’t kind of questioned that’.

Assuming a person has a good handle on the parts of their life where this [sort] of behaviour is a problem, start small. Say for example they have trouble saying no… start off by saying no to small requests or perhaps offering alternatives… and working up to bigger challenges from there. 

Another way is also to think about what they’re scared will happen if they don’t continue these people-pleasing behaviours, and again, challenge how realistic those fears are. When we’re anxious about particular things and have coped with it for so long by using these people-pleasing behaviours, we’re often not really conscious of what it actually is that we’re worried about… Start small and build up. 

What type of therapy might work best for someone who is a people pleaser? 

We’re increasingly seeing through research that most [types] of therapy are roughly equally effective… the biggest predictor of therapy being successful is firstly the therapeutic relationship that people have. And also their own preferences around what that treatment might look like. So, there are several… treatments that can be effective.

A really common one is cognitive behavioural therapy or CBT, which is about challenging… the rigid rules that people pleasers might have internalised, and practising new more suited behaviours that challenge those beliefs. There’s also acceptance and commitment therapy, or ACT. [ACT] helps people tap into their values about how they would rather [show] up in the world and [to]… step back from the impact of these thoughts and feelings that keep showing up… keeping them stuck in this cycle of people-pleasing behaviour. 

There’s also an approach called schema therapy (ST), which looks a little more at perhaps the childhood roots of these beliefs and the inner emotions and behaviours. [ST] challenges the accuracy of these ways of surviving childhood that are maybe not so effective. What they all have in common is that they ask people to… practice some more skills around asserting their own needs… and importantly, finding ways to handle the difficult feelings that… show up when we try new stuff that goes against the grain. 

You can find out more about Liam Casey here.