A sexologist’s guide to having your first threesome

“While we can never ‘plan’ exactly how a threesome will go, the more you communicate beforehand, the more prepared you will be.” 

Sydney-based somatic sexologist and sex and intimacy coach Alice Child is the founder of Vulva Dialogues. She works with individuals, couples and groups, helping people achieve happier, healthier and more fulfilled sex lives – whatever that means for them. Visit her website for more.

So you want to have your first threesome? How exciting! Opening up your relationship and exploring ethical non-monogamy (ENM) can be an amazing way to expand your sexual experiences together while also deepening your connection and communication.

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However, as with anything new involving sex and relationships, threesomes might uncover unexpected emotions and feelings. It’s important to go into the experience with as much knowledge and communication as possible to make sure it’s a fun, pleasurable and positive experience for everyone involved.

What to consider before having a threesome

Practice your sexual communication 

The most important thing is communication and consent. Clear communication reduces misunderstandings, hurt feelings and the likelihood of any broken boundaries. If you and/or your partner struggle when talking about sex and pleasure, this is a great place to start. 

Create an environment where asking for – and receiving – sexual feedback is encouraged. Practice asking each other the question ‘How could this touch feel even better?’, and try saying ‘Thank you’ any time your partner communicates their boundaries or desires. This shows that their desires and boundaries are not only respected but celebrated. 

If you don’t already do so, start having debriefs after sex where you discuss your favourite moments, what was hot for you, and what you’re excited to try together next. At first, all this new communication might feel a bit clunky and awkward – and that’s okay! But with time and practice, it will get much easier. 

Start slowly

My next piece of advice would be to go slowly. Rather than jumping straight into your first group sex experience, test the waters by opening up sexually bit by bit. This allows you time to reflect and debrief on each new experience and reduces the likelihood of one (or both) of you getting into a situation that doesn’t feel comfortable. Below are some activities you could try first.

Watch porn together

Choose porn that shows different threesomes or group sex situations, and chat about it during or afterwards. What was hot for each of you? What was not? 

Watch a strip tease together

Consider watching a strip show, burlesque or strip tease. Would you feel comfortable getting or watching your partner receive a lap dance? 

Flirting

Flirting with other people in front of each other is a fun, safe way of testing the waters of being more sexually open and playful. Again, consider how it made you feel. What specifically did you enjoy about the experience? 

Sign up for a dating app together

Certain apps are designed for ENM, threesomes and sexually explorative individuals and couples. These allow you to create a profile together or separately. Choosing your favourite pictures and writing your profile(s) can be a fun experience in itself and it’s a great chance to agree on what it is you’re looking for.

Educate yourself

There are some amazing ENM books, podcasts and resources out there. I’d recommend going and chatting to a sex coach like myself and buying yourself a copy of The Ethical Slut.

Talk to your partner about wanting a threesome

Just like with any sexual fantasy, if you haven’t spoken to your partner about your threesome fantasy before it might feel really nervewracking to bring up. This is very normal. 

Even if you feel completely comfortable and excited by the idea of ENM, your partner may feel very differently. To many people, the idea of opening up is fraught with feelings of insecurity, jealousy and fear of abandonment. 

In these situations, consent is vital. We should never coerce or convince our partners to do anything they feel uncomfortable with. The only way to achieve a happy, healthy, positive threesome experience is for all three people to feel excited going into it, expressing their enthusiastic consent.

If you’re uncertain how your partner will react, my advice would be to test the waters with some of the above fantasies before diving straight into your threesome fantasies. It also helps to focus on the positive aspects, such as explaining why exactly it would be hot for you to watch them flirting or kissing somebody else.

You can also reassure them that you only want to do it if they feel entirely comfortable. Go slowly, give them time to reflect and ask questions and don’t push them. If either person becomes upset, consider taking a break and returning to the conversation another time.  

Agree on your desires and boundaries 

Okay, so you’re both feeling excited, educated and ready for your first threesome? Amazing! You’re now ready to sit down together and chat about exactly what that could look like. While we can never ‘plan’ exactly how a threesome will go, the more you communicate beforehand, the more prepared you will be. 

Here are some questions you might want to reflect on together beforehand: What am I most curious to try? What is my fantasy? Who is involved, what is going on, and why is this hot for you? What do I need to chat with my partner about to feel completely comfortable? 

And it’s a good idea to ask yourself some questions too. Here are some examples: What are my boundaries right now? What don’t I want to try? What do I think my needs will be on the night? What sort of ‘check-ins’ or communication might you require from each other? What do I think I will need from my partner afterwards to feel connected  (e.g. cuddles, a debrief over a glass of wine, a movie night, sex just the two of you etc)?

Find an amazing third person

The question of ‘How do we find the right person?’ is something I get asked a lot and at first it can feel really challenging. You’ll want to consider a few things first. Are they friends or strangers? Do we want to meet them beforehand? Does it matter what gender identity or sexuality they are? What attitude do they need to have? What experience with ENM do they need to have? What are our contraception and STI testing requirements?

There are actually a lot of dating apps and social platforms that have been designed for ENM and for sexually explorative people to meet and connect. Feeld, RedHotPie, and Fetlife are good places to start depending on your interests.

Most cities also have a variety of sex-positive parties and events designed for different crowds, interests and age groups. These can be great places to go to meet and connect with like-minded people. You could also consider going to see a sex worker.

No matter who you are hoping to meet, remember to always be respectful and courteous and treat them like a human. They are not simply the object of your sexual desires and fantasies. They have their own fears, boundaries, fantasies, emotions and desires too. Treat them as such, and I’m sure you’ll soon meet somebody fantastic.

Top tips for an amazing threesome

The night is here! Here are some tips to remember on the night.

Enjoy the build-up

Make getting ready for the night part of the foreplay. Take your time, enjoy a steamy bath and pick out your favourite lingerie or clothing for each other or yourself. Get excited, and don’t rush yourself. 

Set the scene

A great atmosphere will help everyone get in the mood and get rid of any date-night nerves. Consider meeting for drinks and/or dinner first, and you may want to book a hotel room if your own space isn’t completely private.

If you’re going back to your place, make it as sensual and comfortable as possible. Put on fresh bed sheets, light some candles, buy some snacks and have a nice bottle of wine in the fridge. Don’t forget to have some lube, condoms and your favourite sex toys handy too.

Make them feel special

No matter who they are and how well you know them, make your third person feel respected, safe and excited. After all, they might be about to make your wildest fantasies come true.

Have the same level of respect, consent and communication with them as you did with each other. Ask them about their drink and dietary requirements and find out what is hot and exciting for them so that the night is not just about your pleasure. 

Get out of your head and into your body

Try and enjoy rather than overthink the night. If you find yourself stuck in your head for one reason or another, or are experiencing performance anxiety, that’s very normal. Try and bring your attention back to the physical sensations in your body. What are you noticing? What feels great? Remember to breathe. 

Expect the unexpected

Even if you’ve spoken about absolutely everything, it’s likely something will come up that you didn’t plan for. This is completely normal. These unexpected surprises are often our best opportunities to learn about ourselves.  

Communicate

What check-ins do you need with your partner/the other participant(s)? What would make this feel even better for you? Don’t be afraid to communicate your needs. 

Listen to your body, go slowly, and remember your own consent

Check-in with yourself as the night progresses. How are you feeling? What are you noticing in your body? If something comes up on the night and your immediate answer isn’t ‘Hell yes I want that!’, consider saying ‘No’ or ‘Not this time’. You can always change your mind later, or organise another night.

The importance of the debrief

A vital part of any threesome or ENM experience is the debrief.  Schedule time for you and your partner(s) to come together and chat through the experience, including the highs and the lows. 

Some questions you might chat about include: What was hot for me? Why? What was not great for me? Why? What did I notice? What did I feel? Was I able to process this at the time? Did it impact the flow of the night? What might I need if this happens again? What helped me overcome this? What are my needs going forward? 

What do I need from my partner after an ENM experience to feel connected? What did I learn about myself? Did anything surprise you? Do any of your rules or boundaries need changing or clarifying? What am I curious about trying next?

Please always try to text or reach out to the other partner(s) the next day too. Thank them again for the experience, and check in with how they are going. Enjoy, and don’t forget to pack the lube. 

Alice Child is a Sydney-based somatic sexologist and sex and intimacy coach and the founder of Vulva Dialogues.