A sexologist’s guide to group sex, orgies and sex parties

“Sex parties are an amazing place to see the beautiful diversity of human bodies, sexualities, kinks, sexual styles and relationships.”

Sydney-based somatic sexologist and sex and intimacy coach Alice Child is the founder of Vulva Dialogues. She works with individuals, couples and groups, helping people achieve happier, healthier and more fulfilled sex lives – whatever that means for them. Visit her website for more.

As a certified sex coach and somatic sexologist, group sex (or group play) is one of the most common fantasies I hear about from my clients. But nobody seems to know how to bring their fantasies to life.

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Although group sex is easy enough to find in porn, most people don’t have the vocabulary, knowledge or community to help them happily and consensually turn these desires into a reality. Well, where there’s a fantasy, there’s a way! Here’s my ultimate guide to group sex, orgies and sex parties.

Are sex parties ‘normal’?

When it comes to human sexuality, there’s no such thing as normal! Every single person has a unique sexual blueprint, and sexual experimentation and exploration are a healthy part of the human experience. As long as the sexual activity involves enthusiastically consenting adults and is safe, fun and pleasurable for all involved, then go for it!

As a sex educator, I’ve found group sex and sex parties (and desiring group sex) are very common. Many people happily and healthily explore group sex and events, both alone and with a partner.

What are the potential benefits of group sex and sex parties?

Staying curious and trying new things can lead to amazing discoveries. Curiosity activates our nervous system and releases an incredible array of neurotransmitters and hormones into the body. New sexual experiences also help us stay more present, excited and ‘in the moment’ during sex, instead of switching off and falling back into old routines or habits.

If you’re in a couple, exploring ethical non-monogamy (ENM) can be an amazing way to expand your sexual experiences, together or separately, while also deepening your connection and communication. If you’re single, group sex can be a great way to explore your sexuality and discover new fantasies, partners, community and erotic situations.

If you’re curious but don’t want to be physically intimate, it’s totally fine! Sex parties are an amazing place to see the beautiful diversity of human bodies, sexualities, kinks, sexual styles and relationships. They’re sex-positive communities where people are far more open when it comes to communication and sexual expression. As a fly on the wall, you’ll probably learn a thing or two and meet some amazing people.

Things to consider before your first sex party

As with anything new involving sex and relationships, group sex might uncover unexpected emotions and feelings. It’s important to go into the experience with as much knowledge, education and communication as possible to make sure it’s a positive experience for everyone involved.

My tips are to start slowly, practice your sexual communication and dip your toe in the water before trying anything physical. For example, watch group sex porn, sign up for an alternative dating app, or go to an event without getting physically involved first. Chat about how these experiences felt before and afterwards, including anything that surprised you and anything you were curious about.

I’d also recommend finding and connecting with your local sex-positive community. This might be more difficult if you live in a rural or remote area, but there are also lots of amazing online communities. Check out networking sites and apps like Red Hot Pie, Feeld, Reddit and Fetlife. This will help you meet like-minded people and ask any questions you might have before attending your first event.

Go out and get more sex-positive education. There are heaps of podcasts, books, articles, and forums out there to help you. If it all feels a bit overwhelming, go and chat with a qualified sex coach. I work with a lot of people who are curious about threesomes and group play and help them navigate these conversations and any questions they may have.

How do I stay safe at a sex party?

Using contraception, practising safer sex, and testing for STIs regularly will help keep you and your community safe. Always use a condom, wash your hands regularly, and use condoms on any toys or vibrators that you might wish to share.

Before entering a group sex environment, it’s also vital that you feel comfortable asserting your own boundaries and asking for the affirmative consent of others.

If this is something you struggle with, it’s time to practice! For example, play a game with a friend or partner where you both ask for some form of physical touch, and receive a refusal. For example, you might ask ‘may I kiss you?’, and the other person clearly but respectfully says ‘no’. When you hear the ‘no’, practice saying ‘thank you’. Try this a few times each, and chat about how it felt afterwards.

Remember if you turn up and don’t like it – you can always just go home.

How to find the perfect event?

As I mentioned before, there are dating apps and social platforms that have been designed for ENM relationships and sexually explorative people to meet and connect. Many cities have a variety of sex-positive parties and events designed for different crowds, interests, kinks and age groups. Google (and the apps above) can be surprisingly helpful to know where to find these events.

Make sure you do your research! You don’t want to accidentally turn up to a BDSM event if that’s not your thing. Reach out to the event organisers – they’re often very happy to answer any questions you might have about the atmosphere and venue ahead of your first event.

Top tips for your first sex party

The night is here! Here are my top ten tips on the night itself.

Look the part

Make getting ready for the night part of the foreplay. Take your time, enjoy a steamy bath and put on your favourite lingerie or outfit. Check if the event has a particular dress code or theme – you don’t want to be turned away for wearing the wrong clothing by accident! Get excited, and don’t rush yourself.

Pack a bag

Talk to the event organiser and find out what you might need to bring. Some events are BYO drinks, some offer snacks, some have a cloakroom and some don’t. It’s always best to come prepared. Bring a bag with your favourite erotic toys, lube, condoms, hand sanitiser, mints, perfume, deodorant and makeup. Also, consider bringing chocolate or lollies in case you need a sugar hit at the end of the night!

Don’t be fashionably late

It might feel tempting and less awkward to get there late when the party is kicking off, but if it’s your first time getting there, early might not be a bad idea. It will give you more time to take a tour of the space, chat with the organisers, have a drink, talk to some people and get comfortable before the play kicks off. Many people like to chat first before diving into anything physical, and if you get there too late you might miss the opportunity.

Don’t get drunk

I get it – you’re nervous, and having a glass of wine helps with those initial butterflies. But drinking too much is never a good idea at a sex party. Your body becomes less sensitive and responsive, you might struggle to build arousal, you’ll be less able to assert your own consent and you won’t remember as much the next day. You’ll have more pleasure (and stay safer) if you stay sober.

There’s no shame in watching

There’s never any pressure to play if you decide you don’t want to. It’s usually completely acceptable to decide to watch instead of getting involved. After all, exhibitionists need an audience! It’s good manners to ask first and make sure you keep far enough away to not disturb the people involved.

Ask before touching

If you see somebody (or somebodies) who you’d love to play with, always ask first. Practice saying things like ‘May I kiss you?’, or ‘May I join in?’, rather than assuming. Don’t be upset or defensive if people say no or assert different boundaries. Smile and say thank you. Practice establishing clear and ongoing consent. For example: ‘Where would you like me to put my hand?’, ‘Do you enjoy having your neck kissed?’, or ‘How could this feel even better?’.

Practice safer sex

Never let safe sex practices go out the window. Get an STI test before the event, use condoms/dental dams, throw them away hygienically, wash your hands regularly and don’t share uncovered sex toys. Don’t be afraid to ask new partners about their STI status and communicate yours.

Find your voice

Similarly, don’t be afraid to communicate your own needs, boundaries, desires and consent. If you struggle with communication, it might feel good for you to agree on some form of safe word or signal with your play partner(s) if you are feeling unsure or need things to slow down. Practice being able to communicate what feels good in your body (and what feels less good)!

Get out of your head and into your body

Try and enjoy rather than overthinking the night. This might sound easier said than done when you walk into a room full of naked bodies! If you find yourself stuck in your head for one reason or another, or are experiencing performance anxiety, that’s very normal.

Try and bring your attention back to the physical sensations in your body. What are you noticing? What feels great? Remember to breathe. Remember for penis owners, viagra is not a shameful or embarrassing option if it helps you stay present and in the moment.

Go slowly

Check in with yourself as the night progresses. How are you feeling? What are you noticing in your body? If something comes up on the night and your immediate answer isn’t ‘Hell yes, I want that!’, consider saying ‘No’ or ‘Not this time’. You can always change your mind later, or organise another night. Don’t say yes to everything for fear of letting other people down.

Enjoy – and don’t forget to pack the lube!

Alice Child is a Sydney-based somatic sexologist and sex and intimacy coach and the founder of Vulva Dialogues.