Here’s what I wish I knew before my first threesome

Done right, a threesome can be an amazing sexual experience.

Let me set the scene: it’s midnight, I’m 22 and drunk. I’ve stumbled across my high school bully on the dancefloor, but the alcohol pumping through my veins has me in a forgiving mood. A very forgiving mood, as it turns out.

My high school bully – let’s call her Jane – has a man with her. We’ll call him Zane. It’s his birthday. We all have a drink together and they make no secret of their desire to make his dreams come true by finding a woman to join them in a threesome.

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In the space of an hour, I agree to a threesome with a person I have not seen in five years, and whom I didn’t particularly like back when I did know them, and another person who I’ve never met before. We head to a hotel room and when we arrive, we dive straight into it.

Within ten minutes, Jane is crying. She’s in love with Zane and has been for years. Zane is confused and I’m ordering a taxi, leaving as fast as I can. Here’s the thing. Done right, a threesome can be an amazing sexual experience. It can be a way for two consenting adults to spice up their relationship, it can be an avenue to explore your sexuality and it can open you up to new forms of pleasure.

Unfortunately, my threesome experience was none of those things. And that’s why I bring to you what I wish I knew before my own foray into a ménage à trois so you can avoid the mistakes I made and have, if not an amazing experience, then at the very least a pleasant, interesting and enlightening one.

Communication is key

If I’d taken the time to talk things through with Jane and Zane, there’s a chance I might have learnt a few key details; namely, Jane’s hidden feelings for Zane. Maybe, knowing this, I might have considered how seeing Zane with another woman would make Jane feel and we could have put boundaries in place to mitigate potential jealousy or just called the whole thing off.

In any situation where intimacy and sex are involved, communication is vital. Communication is where you obtain consent, set boundaries and establish the needs and wants of the individuals involved. It should be the very first step before embarking on any sexual adventure.

Besides establishing boundaries, communication helps to get to the bottom of the intent behind the experience. What are you hoping to achieve? Is it fantasy fulfilment? Sexual exploration? Discussing what people are seeking from the threesome helps to get everyone on the right page.

Spend some time with each other before the threesome

And by ‘time’, I don’t mean an hour on a club dancefloor knocking back tequila shots. Don’t get me wrong, I also don’t mean that you need to be going on the sex equivalent of a team-building course with trust falls and getting-to-know-each-other games. I just mean, spend some time feeling out the dynamic between everyone before jumping into bed together.

Even beyond building a level of comfort, this step is also important for safeguarding yourself against potential dangers if you’re deciding to engage in a threesome with strangers.

If I’d spent some before my ill-fated threesome sussing the others out, I might have cottoned on to the unrequited love situation and realised it’s not an ideal dynamic for a sexual romp. A year or so later, I would, as a queer person on Tinder, encounter numerous couples looking for their ‘unicorn’ – that is, trying to find someone (usually female) to join them in a threesome.

I toyed with the idea of trying a threesome again, but I made sure to meet the couple for a single drink, early in the evening, just to get a feel for their dynamic. As it was, this couple was lovely but ultimately I didn’t vibe with them and told them I wasn’t going to go ahead; they took it graciously and we went our separate ways.

Establish ground rules

While it might not seem sexy to have a list of commandments to abide by, it’s so important to take the time to hash out ground rules to ensure everyone has a good time. Work out what you are and aren’t comfortable with and make sure to be thorough.

Are you on board with kissing? Is full penetration okay? Will you incorporate BDSM play? The last thing you want during the threesome is for unwanted surprises to arise that cause discomfort for anyone involved.

Aftercare is vital

I confess, whisking myself away into the night via taxi as Jane cried was not my proudest moment. At the time, being young, drunk and way out of my depth, the only thing I could think to do was escape. However, my vanishing act probably did little to help the situation or alleviate Jane’s upset or anxiety.

Here’s the final thing I wish I knew about threesomes – the importance of aftercare. After a threesome, it’s natural to feel awkward and even unsure of yourself or your place in the situation, whether you’re part of a couple or a single player in the game. That’s why aftercare is so important. Take the time to debrief with each other afterwards, talk through what happened, assuage fears or, hell, even high-five one another. 

Make sure everyone is okay, feels comfortable about what happened and leaves the scene on good terms. Not frantic and drunk in the back seat of a taxi.

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