I gave the guy I’m dating a threesome for his birthday, here’s how it went

“I remember thinking throughout that this was the life I wanted to be living. It was less about the threesome and sex in general, and more about the energy within it.”

Historically, I’m not great at birthday presents. I don’t love the process of planning out a gift – it doesn’t feel authentic to me. To find something I think someone I care about will like, I want to feel inspired and certain. I’ve found that these are not feelings that happen under time pressure, in brightly-lit shopping malls. 

I’m the kind of friend, lover, daughter and sister who will see something in a shop window that reminds me of them and just buy it, regardless of the occasion (or lack thereof). That’s how I roll with present-giving. Well, until recently.

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I’m dating this guy and it’s been going really well. It’s an unfamiliar combination of serious but fun, calm but vulnerable. We have amazing conversations and the most connected sex I’ve ever had. We have similar ideas about the ways we want to live our life and nothing feels off limits. Being around him gives me energy and honestly, makes me feel a little inspired. 

So we were about four months into dating when I realised his birthday was coming up. I was aware of it more than I usually would be because he’d really shown up for my birthday a few weeks prior. He came to my big party, bought me a beautiful pair of earrings, arrived early to hang out with my friends, wore a nice jacket, provided a comfortable level of PDA at well-timed intervals throughout the night and introduced himself to everyone as the guy I was dating.

He didn’t freak out in a group of loud, opinionated and protective women, and he wasn’t scared off by big feelings on a big day. That was huge for me. I knew I wanted to return the favour; to make him feel seen and thought about on his birthday. But I preemptively panicked, because like I said – I’m not great at birthday gifts.

Luckily, an unexpected solution materialised in an unlikely setting. The day after my birthday, we were lying on the couch hungover, when I saw a pack of conversation cards I’d been given. They were on the coffee table, unopened.

“Wanna play?” I asked.
“Sure,” he said. 

The questions were all centred around sex, pleasure, love and relationship experiences. Most of them were pretty generic. What’s the weirdest place you’ve had sex? How often do you masturbate? What’s your relationship like with porn? Have you had a threesome before? That last question stopped us in our tracks. Until then, our answers had been pretty predictable. 

“I’ve never had a threesome,” he said.
“What!?” I replied.

I don’t know why it surprised me so much, but I guess I (wrongly) assumed that most straight men over the age of 35 have had a threesome. Maybe it’s a part of that (totally bullshit) societal assumption that everyone is just having wild sex all the time, especially straight cis guys. What else do they do when they go out with ‘da boiz’? Apparently not threesomes. 

“Well,” he said somewhat suggestively. “It is my birthday coming up… ”. I think he was mostly joking but my brain immediately lit up. This was it, this was his present. I was going to gift him his first threesome. 

Planning the threesome

Truthfully, I’ve always wanted to be in this kind of relationship. One that’s sexually open and experimental. One where both people can have conversations about their desires; the things they haven’t done but want to do. One where you can share what you’re feeling in the moment and that can be encouraged and explored, instead of scrutinised.  

I’ve also always claimed that sex doesn’t make me jealous in a relationship. Or rather, sexual exploration is something I see as normal and natural, not an indication of potential betrayal. I’ve always been attracted to the idea of my partner being desired and desiring others, and allowing them the freedom to engage with that.

So, not only did this feel like the best birthday present idea ever, but it also felt like the perfect chance to put my own relationship ideals to the test. I called one of my best friends the next day to ask her how she’d feel about having a threesome with me and this guy I’ve been dating, for his birthday. She felt like the perfect person to ask for a few reasons:

• She’s an openly sexual person, without being performative about it. She feels comfortable in her sexuality and allows others to feel free to express themselves around her.
• She often goes to sex parties, so she’s been in multiple threesomes and orgies and knows how to navigate them un-awkwardly.
• She’s a great communicator.
• I trust her implicitly.
• She’s a super babe.

She said yes, and I was thrilled. I texted him straight away to scope his actual enthusiasm.

Me: ‘I have some birthday-related threesome news.’
Him: ‘REALLY!! If you’re saying what I think you’re saying I’m very excited.’
Me: ‘I’m saying exactly what you think I’m saying.’

We met up that afternoon to talk about it. I felt nervous, bringing it up IRL, in broad daylight. In my head it was really progressive and sexy of me, to be organising a threesome for his birthday. I mean, it was the me I’d always wanted to be! But part of me also felt super self-conscious. Was I being too forward? Too sexual? Would it make him uncomfortable? It’s funny the questions we ask ourselves as women when it comes to sex.

The conversation was a little clunky but in a really honest way. “What if I get nervous and can’t do it?” he asked. “We’ll have time,” I said. “We’ll ease in.” His nervousness made me feel more confident. “So, you’re into the idea?” I asked, just to be sure. “I couldn’t be more into it,” he replied. 

In the weeks leading up to his birthday, I spoke to a few people about it. I got wildly mixed reactions. Some were impressed and curious; they wanted to know what it was like. “Fill us in afterwards,” they insisted. 

Others were a little less supportive. “Are you sure this is a good idea?” they asked. “Letting him fuck one of your hot friends seems like a recipe for disaster. What if he’s super into her and then wants to keep having sex with other people?”. This was the more common response. It wasn’t always so judgemental, but I found it fascinating how much fear there is around letting someone else into our sexual space. 

I’d be lying if I said that the warnings didn’t make me stop and think: should I do this with someone I have real feelings for? But ultimately, they didn’t change my mind. I knew I wanted to do it. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the kind of relationship I want to be in. I’ve read heaps of books (The Ethical Slut is still my favourite) about relationship structures, different attachment styles, the various ways that people fall – and stay – in love. I’ve also experienced relationships and friendships that have taught me what I want love to look like in my own life. 

To me, sexual liberation is so hot. If my partner allows me to be sexually free, to me that shows that they’re secure in themselves and also in what we have. If they’re turned on by me expressing my sexuality freely, I feel like I can be myself. And I want that for them too. 

It’s taken me a few wrong relationships and tough heartbreaks to learn that I need freedom and independence, both in and out of a relationship. Independence looks different for everyone, but for someone who loves to explore sex and desire, it’s important for me that it’s an open conversation and experience in any romantic relationship I have. 

I’ve also learnt – through my own experience and other peoples’ – that it’s best to start having these conversations in a relationship early. Me and this guy really like each other and we have a great connection, but we’re not in love and living together with major life commitments. So, now’s the time to experiment! To have fun, to play! To make that the norm in the relationship early on. Or it’s something I’m trying, at least. And I’m so glad I did. 

How it played out

The night of the threesome, I was convinced that we were all just going to hang out and get more comfy with each other. I wanted the guy I’m dating and my friend to spend a little more one-on-one time beforehand, so everyone felt comfortable with each other and what we were doing. 

But of course, as the night progressed and we ended up back at my house, martinis in hand, it was a perfect domino effect. Often the most awkward part about having threesomes is getting started. Like, getting all three people from the couch to bed organically is really quite difficult. In previous threesomes, I’ve been the guest star (the person outside the couple) so I’ve never really had to worry about the logistics. This time, I was conscious that I was the one who’d orchestrated the whole thing, so I felt a little added pressure.

So, when my friend walked in on us having a sexy moment alone, it felt like an opportunistic moment to invite her in. We looked at each other, he and I, and silently agreed that this was the vibe. The vibe was now. 

It’s hard to put the threesome into words. Truly, it was a wholesome experience for me. I remember thinking throughout that this was the life I wanted to be living. It was less about the threesome and sex in general, and more about the energy within it. There was this overarching sense of sexual freedom, which was beautiful to witness and to be a part of. No one was performing and everyone was being celebrated for their desire and sexuality. 

My friend communicated for me on a few occasions, which I found super helpful. Like, I’d be feeling really good about something the guy I’m dating was doing, and she’d tell him that. She’d say something like “She really likes that” and he’d say “Really?” and then I’d say “Yeah, I do”. This taught me that maybe I need to be more vocal about what I like or when I’m enjoying something. It also showed me how much he cares about whether or not I’m enjoying what he’s doing. It’s easy to forget that even though you’re having a great time, reassurance is always a vibe. 

My friend somehow managed to be beautifully present while also giving room to me and the guy I’m dating to be together and connect throughout. It was almost like she was celebrating the connection that we have. And through that, our connection felt so obvious to me. Each time we looked at each other, or kissed or touched it felt like coming home.

The aftermath

I spoke about it to him the other day, that feeling. He described it exactly the same way. I asked him if he felt the threesome had actually made our connection stronger. He said yes. It’s funny because it’d done the opposite of what the mainstream voices were so afraid of. 

“What if you lose him?” they’d asked. “What if he realises he doesn’t want to be in a relationship?”
“That’s okay,” I should’ve said back. “If that’s how the threesome impacts our vibe, I have no control over that. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be right now.”

It’s hard to know how to push back before you’ve experienced something, especially when it sits outside the norm. But now, having done it and experiencing the aftermath, I feel pretty fucking confident that it was a great thing to do.

We’ve been having sex differently. It’s like the threesome unlocked something in us both that’s allowed us to be more free in intimacy. Before there was an element of cautiousness that isn’t there now. Sometimes we’re fucking, sometimes we’re having slow, passionate sex, and sometimes a combo of both. Regardless, we’re both opening up to our true desires in the moment. It doesn’t feel like we’re anything holding back anymore. 

It sounds counterintuitive to say, but the threesome made me more confident in what we have. It also made me more confident in the life I want to live, of sexual liberation and freedom. One that sits outside the parameters of monogamy, but that’s open and committed and respectful. Because that’s totally a thing! And to be honest, I don’t completely know how that looks yet. But I think I’m starting to figure it out. 

For tips on navigating a threesome, try this.