Twelve ways to become a better flirt, according to a sex writer

“You need to get comfortable being bold.”

Laura Roscioli is a Melbourne-based sex writer and host of the podcast Sex Confessions. Her monthly column on Fashion Journal is here to make sex (and the conversations around it) more accessible and open-minded. She believes the best learning comes from lived experience, and she’s here to share hers – and other people’s – with you. 

Have we forgotten how to flirt? I’ve been wondering this for a while. Ever since I started noticing that instead of eye contact from the bartenders in Australia, I get coldness, perhaps even fear. So where has all the flirting gone? And how do we get it back?

Interested to hear how others navigate the world? Head to our Life section.

I’ve been in Europe for the past few weeks and people seem to have no issue flirting there. Men are constantly complimenting women, telling us we’re beautiful in this passing way, as though it’s simply an observation, not something that has to mean anything.

I spent a lot of time with my 32-year-old cousin in Italy this trip. We always see each other, but usually in group settings rather than one-on-one. 

“Ciao, bella,” he’d say to a passing woman he thought was beautiful. He didn’t do it because he expected to sleep with her – although I’m sure sex is somewhere in the foundations of the whole thing. He didn’t need anything from her; he just wanted to appreciate her beauty out loud. Sometimes she’d smile back, sometimes she’d keep walking. Either response landed the same with him.

“I love women, Laura,” he’d often turn and say to me afterwards, with such sincerity I almost giggled. Because men rarely expose themselves like that here in Australia. But why shouldn’t they?

In Europe, at least in my experience, it feels so normal to openly appreciate others. They seem to have the opposite of our nonchalance problem, and it’s total bliss. They revel in the beauty of women, bask in its glory, seek it out and enjoy its glow. And therefore, they’re extremely good at flirting in this effortless way. It’s inspired me to think of flirting as a lifestyle.

The thing is, it can’t really exist if you’re just desperate to have sex. Flirting is about indulging in attraction. It’s about making each other feel good, being open with your sexuality and allowing yourself to express it out loud.

When I think about some of the sexiest experiences of my life, they’ve mostly existed within this realm. Sometimes those flirtatious exchanges have led to sex, but mostly they haven’t. And I think this is the beauty of flirting – it can give you so much sexual satisfaction without requiring you to get physically intimate. It can be a way back to yourself, a learning experience, sexual exploration, an empowering step towards taking more chances. 

Flirting lives in the eye contact: lingering, smouldering, caught from across the room. It’s in your tone of voice: teasing, suggestive, cheeky, sarcastic. It’s also in those fleeting moments of contact: a leg brushing yours under the table, fingertips on a shoulder blade, a hand on your lower back, someone tucking your hair behind your ear.

It can exist within text messages or voice notes. It can be in the way someone asks what you’re doing tonight, or the way they notice you as you walk past them on the street, a sparkling glimmer in their eye.

When you really think about it, flirting is kind of magic. Because how do you know when someone is flirting with you? You just do.

It feels pregnant with possibility. What will happen here? Is this just a fleeting moment, or could it lead to something more? Why did they notice you? All you have is eye contact and the promise that maybe, possibly, something more intimate could happen. In a world that feels increasingly scary and uncertain, I think flirting might be one of the things that brings us back to life. 

So, how do we get good at flirting again?

I like to think of flirting as a muscle. The more you use it, the less terrifying it becomes. And if yours has atrophied after years of dating apps, situationships and pretending not to care about anyone in order to appear cool and nonchalant, here are some of my favourite ways to start exercising it again.

Look into someone’s eyes when you speak to them.

I know it sounds simple but you’d be surprised at how effective it is. If you find someone cute, look at their eyes as they’re talking to you, or as you’re talking to them. Not only does it communicate your interest, it’s an amazing way to gauge if there’s a spark there or not.

Hold that eye contact for a touch longer.

Something happens in the moment of discomfort, when you suddenly feel shy and want to look away but instead keep your eyes on them. It shows vulnerability, and it’s so hot. It’s what turns eye contact from attentive to ‘f**k me eyes’.

Send them a DM while you’re in the same room.

Sending someone a DM while you can see them is the ultimate flirty move. Tell them they look sexy, or you like their hair or outfit, or you could even say something about yourself: “You look so good you’re making me blush today,” or something. Like, tell me that wouldn’t get you hot and bothered? It’s also a great way to set the pace while you’re still feeling a bit shy.

Touch them on the arm. Lots.

Arm touches are truly the gateway into flirting. Not too invasive but still intimate. If you’re vibing with someone but you don’t know if they know that you’re into them, touch them on the arm at regular intervals while you’re talking. I know it sounds basic but I swear it works. People either open up or close off depending on their vibe, but if you read the situation right, you’re on.

Be frivolous with your number.

Sometimes flirting is simply giving someone your number. There was a time in my life when I’d do this weekly and it almost always led to something. You can just write, ‘you’re cute, text me’ and put your number down. The beauty of this is it could be to anyone, anywhere: your barista, a guy on a park bench, a comedian after their show. It’s such a classic old-school confident move. It won’t let you down. It helps if you sprinkle a little bit of flirtatious eye contact in when you hand it over.

Master the ‘f**k me’ eyes.

Okay, I know we’re back onto eye contact but this is important. In my experience, flirting is all about the eyes. It’s the way you look at someone. It’s hard to describe but when your eyes lock with theirs, imagine yourself as the sexiest version of you, the version of you that you want people to see. Really embody a feeling of sexiness and warmth and let it come through in your eyes. It’s like the flick of a switch, trust me. Look at someone like that and watch them blush. Sometimes, it’s all the flirting you’ll ever need.

Don’t be afraid of a flirty text.

Sometimes your attraction to someone might feel too vulnerable to reveal. In these cases, I’d highly recommend a sexy text. Say you’d seen them at work that day, or at a friend hang that night. Text them later with something like, ‘Sorry if I seemed awkward today, I’m actually just so attracted to you.’ It’s bold (and hot) and puts the ball in their court. I’ve never had a bad response to a message like that.

Brush their leg or hand under the table.

I knew my first boyfriend liked me because he held my hand under the table at a dinner party with friends, and it still makes my heart flutter just thinking about it. This is both a sexy and a safe move! Hidden affection is always hot, like you have a sexy secret that no one else knows. It also takes the pressure off the other person responding right away. It’s just a silent gesture that says, ‘Hi, I’m into you.’ Hot.

Call them by their name.

Say “Hi Henry” instead of just “hi” and bring their name into the conversation more than you would with other people. There’s something about hearing your name said back to you that feels sexy. It feels intentional, perhaps even a little teasing? In the right way. 

Be a tease!

Don’t neg, be a tease. Play with them. Create some tension, some friction. Exaggerate how impressed you are by them using a fancy word or overly congratulate them on remembering something about you. Like don’t-be-so-obsessed-with-me-but-do kinda vibes.

Ask for their help with something tiny.

Perhaps you need your shoelace tightened? Or you’d like them to try your drink? Or hold your bag while you dash to the loo? Or light your cigarette? Or maybe you’d even love a bite of their steak? These things feel intimate. They communicate closeness, but with subtlety and class.

Embrace boldness.

Flirting takes courage. In order to properly embrace your flirty side, you need to get comfortable being bold and asking for what you want. You deserve to kiss someone you think is delicious! As soon as you truly believe that, flirting will become a way of life.

Keep up with Laura here.