Can you stay friends with your ex-partner’s friends?

“Change is a natural part of life, and while it may be challenging to lose friends due to a breakup it can also open the door to new friendships and personal growth.”

I love making friends. There’s nothing better than discovering what interests you have in common, like drinking cosmopolitans and watching Sex and the City for the fifth time this year. But what happens if you meet these friends through your partner and your partner has become your ex? Where do these friendships stand post-breakup?

Heartbreak is already hard enough but when you then have to re-analyse your friendships, it can scramble your brain a bit. When the people you’ve developed close friendships with fail to send a simple ‘How are you going?’ text post-breakup, it adds salt to an already painful wound. Whether you’ve been with someone for a few months or many years, you’ll inevitably come across this grey area while you’re still grieving the loss of your relationship.

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Can these friendships remain intact when the person who brought you together is no longer an active part of your life? Of course, every relationship is different and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to maintaining friendships post-breakup.

To understand more about the topic I spoke to Christina Salvo, the Founder and CEO of Simple Separation and a family dispute resolution practitioner, who offers greater clarity on navigating these friendships post-breakup.

Respecting your ex

“Reaching out to an ex’s friends can be a bit of a delicate dance, and it really depends on the circumstances of the breakup,” says Christina. Whether you felt that you finished on good terms or bad terms, maintaining the higher ground and remaining mature when communicating with your ex can make for much smoother sailing, especially when you’re trying to preserve these friendships.

“It’s also a good idea to see if your ex’s friends make an effort to connect with you. Expecting everything to go back to the way it was might be unrealistic unless you had an exceptionally close bond that went beyond your ex’s relationship with their friends,” she tells me.

Your ex’s friends may side with your ex-partner out of loyalty to them so allowing the dust to settle can be vital. “Understand that your ex’s friends may have mixed feelings or reservations about maintaining contact with you,” she says. If you’ve been the friend in a breakup, I’m sure you know the feeling; it’s a perplexing limbo between both parties.

She adds that respecting boundaries and reflecting on your intentions should be some of the first steps you take before you consider reaching out to your ex’s friends. “Consider why you want to connect with your ex’s friends. Are you seeking information on your ex’s whereabouts and moves, looking for support or genuinely just trying to maintain a friendship?”

At the end of the day, your ex’s friends want the best for them and if you choose to reach out to them, whether through social media, via a phone call or in person, you’ll need to be prepared to accept the possibility they may not want to stay in touch with you.

Heal first

If it’s still too painful to see your ex then don’t make it harder for yourself. “I’d prefer to wait until my ex’s friends reach out to me, but this can vary based on the situation,” Christina explains. Keeping yourself in check emotionally is vital and will help you make level-headed decisions. Pressuring friends to take sides between you and your ex can create unnecessary stress and Christina emphasises that these hasty decisions won’t ingratiate you to your ex or your ex’s friends.

Remaining friends with your ex-partner’s friends will likely mean seeing your ex, and probably somewhat regularly. This is at odds with one of the most effective ways to move on, which is going no contact. Before attempting to salvage these friendships, focus on self-care and healing from the breakup. “Change is a natural part of life, and while it may be challenging to lose friends due to a breakup it can also open the door to new friendships and personal growth,” Christina tells me.

Start journaling, reorganise your room, go on holiday and keep yourself busy. “During challenging times, it’s important to prioritise your emotional well-being through activities that make you feel happy, relaxed and fulfilled,” Christina says. For me, that looks like regularly eating vodka pasta on my best friend’s balcony while watching the sunset, among other activities.

Setting boundaries

If you haven’t already had a conversation with your ex about navigating these friendships post-breakup, it can be important to talk about the new circumstances you find yourselves in. Sometimes the friendships you’ve formed might be circumstantial but Christina adds that “the dynamics really depend on the nature of your relationship and whether you and your ex’s friends share a desire to continue your connection… sometimes, friendships naturally fade away, while those that are truly special can endure”.

If you were in the same friend group before your relationship with your ex-partner commenced this can make for a sticky situation. But usually in situations like that, people who are truly your friends will continue to be your friends. At the end of the day, a breakup can filter out the people in your life who may not have you as a priority and make space for new and more secure friendships.

Losing friendships through a relationship can feel like the end of the world, even more so when your emotions are all over the place from a breakup. But by focusing on yourself, your own friends and your family, you can adopt a better mindset when navigating these situations. As Christina says, “The key is not to push for a friendship; it should be mutual, and your friend should feel comfortable with it.”

For more on dealing with post-breakup emotions, head here.