Friendships and jealousy: The competition no one signed up for

The internal scoreboard we wish we didn’t have.

There’s so much discourse around being the perfect friend, championing every win and being unequivocally ‘friendship goals’. But as I teeter toward my late twenties, the spectrum of emotions I feel toward my friends only widens.

Every promotion, engagement or new milestone is an opportunity to book a dinner, pop open a bottle and cheers to the best times that are finally here. But with my glass so full, why do I sometimes feel so empty? Alongside the love, pride and excitement, an icky feeling lurks in the background: jealousy.

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Jealousy can take many tangled forms, from comparison and competition to, at times, a little animosity. I’ve found it doesn’t always stem from wanting something tangible like a new car or a pay rise. Sometimes, the simplest things stir up the strongest feelings, like watching a friend move through life with a kind of independence and freedom I wish came more naturally to me.

I can admire my friends, but somewhere between admiring them and wishing I could be a little more like them, that feeling can start to sour. Suddenly, I’m not appreciating their qualities but picking apart my own shortcomings, wondering why things that seem to come so easily to them feel so out of reach for me.

I feel something similar when friends start ticking off those bigger life milestones. When someone my age buys a house, it’s hard not to let their achievement become a measuring stick for my own life, regardless of how much I love my quaint apartment. It’s easy to fall into the pit of comparison. But it’s not as easy to forget about it.

If you’ve ever been confused by competitiveness bubbling beneath the surface, you’re not alone. Psychologist Jackie Ha explains that comparison can feel particularly personal between friends because we often identify with them, which is actually quite sweet in theory. “The closer someone feels to us, the more their life can become a mirror for how we see our own,” she says.

The strange thing about this feeling is that it can be entirely private and one-sided. Your friends might have no idea you’re measuring yourself against them. We might not want to compare ourselves to the people we love, but that doesn’t mean we always know how to stop.

Feeling jealous can come with a lot of guilt, leaving us questioning whether we’re a bad friend. We can be genuinely happy for the people we love and still find ourselves grappling with these feelings. As Jackie puts it, “Jealousy isn’t necessarily a reflection of how we feel about our friend. Sometimes,  it tells us more about how we feel about ourselves.”

She explains that jealousy can protect us from more vulnerable feelings, such as inadequacy, rejection or being left behind. Rather than judging ourselves for feeling a certain way, she encourages us to get curious about what’s underneath it. Are we comparing ourselves to a timeline we’ve set for ourselves? Are we worried we’re falling behind? Or is there something we’ve wanted for a long time that we’re struggling to pursue? Don’t be afraid to dig deeper.

Jealousy feels taboo. We often want to ignore it, but how we respond to it matters. Giving ourselves permission to feel jealousy, without immediately acting on it, can help us explore the deeper feelings underneath. I’ve learnt that the goal isn’t to never feel jealous, but to understand what we’re craving for ourselves. A friend’s achievement doesn’t mean there’s less waiting for us. We can raise a glass to their happiness while still making space for the things we hope to celebrate in our own lives.

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