Is ghosting a friend really that bad?

In defence of the Irish Goodbye.

Please don’t judge me. Ghosting is obviously a cardinal sin in any kind of relationship, but especially budding romantic ones. I know that in theory. But I’m realising now I might be guilty of it. Not to a potential partner. But once friends? Yeah, I think so.

And not in a nonchalant way either. I’m filled with dread and panic if I see the person I’m avoiding has messaged me. I scrounge the internet trying to figure out if the app they’ve reached out on has a way to turn off read receipts.

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For someone who spends a lot of time people-pleasing and making sure I’m being a Good Person, the general attitude towards ghosting can be a bit intense. It’s black and white – if you’ve ghosted someone instead of talking through the perceived issue, you’re a Bad Person. 

But I don’t think that it’s that simple. Fundamentally, ghosting is a form of conflict avoidance. It feels much easier to quietly disappear from someone’s life rather than tell them you don’t want to be friends anymore. But of course, that leaves people confused, hurt and wondering if they were the problem. 

For Ava*, it was a gradual, painful ice-out. Her then-housemate Georgia* was speaking to her less and less. “Whenever I asked if she was upset or something was bothering her, I always received an ‘everything’s okay’ answer.”

It got to a point where Ava and Georgia didn’t even greet each other when crossing paths in the house. But what hurt the most, she tells me, was that they’d often meet up with another mutual friend on their way to class, and Georgia would be totally normal with that friend. “For a couple of months we left our apartment in silence. She behaved as if she was walking alone, and suddenly her entire attitude changed when we met our friend.”

Stephanie* thinks that she was “love-bombed platonically”, which made the ghosting she faced even more confusing and difficult. The friendship went from messaging every day, “super thoughtful gifts and jokes about the future, like them being my wedding MC”, to an occasional-message type of friendship. “I wish they gave me a more upfront reason – maybe I should have asked. But it feels too awkward now.”

Despite the pain that can come from being ghosted, sometimes it does feel necessary. For those who struggle to set boundaries with friends, it can be a very efficient method. Crystal* found herself in a situation where her friends didn’t respect her and her partner’s time. When their friends came to Australia on a working visa, Crystal and her partner helped them out as much as they could, but eventually this help became expected and taken for granted. “We started to feel burdened and resentful, which we recognised was unhealthy for the friendship. Instead of confronting them, it was best to distance ourselves.”

Similarly, Lizzie* decided to cut off a toxic friendship and simply didn’t think it was worth it anymore. “I ghosted her because I knew nothing was going to come from the conversation,” she tells me. According to Lizzie, having a huge chat or fight about why you don’t want to be friends anymore actually does more harm than good. Sometimes, she says, an Irish Goodbye is the best course of action. 

When it comes to romantic relationships, there’s a lot at stake – it’s important that your values and plans for the future are aligned, and that you’re physically and emotionally compatible. Discussions about why it’s not working out become very important. But when it comes to friendships, it’s much harder to explain that you just don’t click anymore. 

From my conversations with those who’ve bravely admitted to ghosting friends, there’s a constant negotiation of whether the ghosting is going to protect or hurt someone’s feelings. It’s not as simple as not wanting to deal with the problem.

Crystal says that people who care deeply about their connections don’t easily decide to ghost a friend. They probably have considered how to address the situation to protect both their own, and the ghosted party’s interests. 

The people who ghost friends aren’t monsters. If it’s happened to you, I’m really sorry, and it probably wasn’t your fault. As for me, I’m feeling braver and less guilty after writing this – perhaps I’ll go reply to those messages that have been sitting unopened for two months. 

*Names have been changed for privacy.

For more on navigating friendship conflict, try this.